Child-like

Last night I realized I carry tension in the right side of my forehead. The muscles has a hard time relaxing. As a result, my eyes and brows look unsymetrical. That bothers me.

Today I got up, got ready, went to school but it was closed. There was no one there and all the lights were off and it was locked. I was confused and thought maybe it wasn't monday, or maybe my clock/my cell phone was wrong and I was early. And there was no one else around and confused. And the hair class starts earlier than nails does. So I called the school and the director answered even though I could tell he wasn't in his office (his window is at street level). I felt stupid and hung up.

I wasn't really sure what to do. And I'm still not. I'm nearly positive that I'm supposed to have class on Mondays but I guess I'm wrong. Instead I bought new jeans (I desperately needed them and they were on sale), a new book and went for breakfast. I'm worried that maybe I just missed something entirely and I'm pretty certain my confusion is all my fault.

I also called my sister because my grandma (on my dad's side) is coming to visit from Toronto today. I decided maybe with my day off I could go to the airport as I haven't seen my sister in a while. My grandma doesn't come until tonight though and it's craft night. Also, my sister and her husband put an offer on a house in white rock, which means I'll see even less of her than I do now.

At first I was really excited for her (it has an ocean view!) but then I called my mom to tell her and she just said how far away it was. And then I was sad. And my mom is sad. I'm not sure why but she is. Or something is wrong. My mom puts herself really low on her list of priorities but it could be problems with her family or something else. And then I think it might be me. She's had to do a lot for me in the last 6 months and it's not really over. So half of me doesn't want to ask her if somethings wrong because I don't want to hear that I'm a burden.

And then I feel like no one acknowledged that my Dad died two years and two weeks ago and the date just passed with no recognition. Or that is was Fathers day yesterday and it makes me feel awful. Or that the folk festival s coming up and I want so much to go but It'll be so hard and I can't go alone and I can't really afford it. And then I can't let any of this go.

And it all leaves me feeling like a helpless and self-pitying child who doesn't know what to do about anything.