Day off/off day

I didn't go to work today. I spent the first part of the morning feeling angry and anxious. Then I went out. I spend a ridiculous amount of money on yarn. I tried not to think about anything. I bought japanese cooking stuff (soba noodles, sushi-age, sushi grass) and felt dazed and disconnected.

I did call two schools about their programs. One never called me back. The second talked to me. I could start in July and finish in Early October. The program is shorter because it's a lot more hours per week. It doesn't interfere with any spa shifts though. It's also cheaper. The school is smaller, and the kit is smaller. I'm going to go to the school on Thursday and see what the facilities are like and what kind of products they use. The curriculum looks similar to where I am now.

Two worries are what if it's not as good as where I am now would be and what if where I am now won't give me my deposit back. I think if the only date option I was given back when I registered was The one I'm being forced to take, I wouldn't have taken it. I would have gone a different route, maybe looked at other schools. I feel disloyal in switching though. I just don't know what to do.

The longer hours per week, would mean less time at HK inc. too. Good for my mental state I think, but not so good for my bank. But the course is half the price.

I still feel out of control. I feel victimized (what have I done to deserve all this?) but then also feel like I must deserve it if it keeps happening. And then I wonder if my concern about something bad happening as soon as things start to get better is making it happen. (And I haven't even read The Secret.) But I moved, which was supposed to help, but then there was the bugs. Then I got rid of the bugs, the long-term spa job got confirmed, and I was excited about school and now this. How am I supposed to not be worried?

And then there's Filmmaker. I read the email a second time. It was a good-bye email. And it's all just sad. I am so confused about it all. Somehow this was worse than my fear of not being able to find someone who would love me, my fear of being unloveable. I couldn't reciprocate love. I couldn't reciprocate someones desire to make me happy.

(Aside: Orange hasn't called me in a long time. I called him over a week ago and never heard back. He leaves for the summer at the end of the month and I feel like I've lost that too.)

I just feel too much in my world. Too far away from everyone. Unable to relate and be relateable. But I don't feel safe and I don't feel comfortable. And that's what I need. I think of who I was in England and I don't have any of that left. I want that excitement and that lightness back. I don't know how though.

I don't even really feel like I have a social life right now. I go to work, I come home or I craft. I want to have a float party but don't really even know who to invite. I feel like it would just end up being this awkward gathering where no one really has anything to talk about and they only really came as a courtesy anyways.

I need some help to get this sorted and fixed. I really want my life to be fun again. I really do.