Stupid Greys

I want to be in love. I want to be loved. And it feels like breaking up all over again. And it's not going to happen. I'm too cold, I'm too selfish, I'm too demanding, I'm too unfeeling. It's all been taken up and taken away. There's nothing left for anyone. Not even me most days. This is the breakdown.

I remember walking to class one day while in England. I think I was running late. That was my major panic trigger before. So I was trying to calm myself by saying the things I normally did. The main one is that things will always be fine. If I'm late it will be fine, If I never even show up with will be fine, If I interupt for 1 minutes it'll be fine. But it changed. It all shifted in an instant. It shifted to "it will all be good" There was something so right with the world. But I can't say that anymore and I don't believe it at all.

I want something impossible. Something completely unconditional. It's so hot in my room. I want to feel whole and I want to feel myself. I want to listen to a CD that will make me ache. And I can't remember the name of the singer no matter how hard I try. but then I found it on the list. And i feel like everything is secret. somehow.

And sometimes I know I'm trying really hard to get a life back. To sort things out. To improve. To make myself. But then in some ways I'm not. I spend money I need to save without thinking about it because I don't want to deal with something, or I want to forget everything. I eat things I shouldn't eat. I don't go to bed when I should. I don't wash off my make-up or brush my teeth before going to bed.

But I thought I had done what I needed to do. I really started over in so many ways. I spent a lot of time talking and assessing. But none of it's really done. But, again, there's no room for this now. I have to be at worktomorrow and be warm and welcoming and lovely. And I love doing it. I do. But I can't reconcile this with that.

When someone close to you dies once of the things you have to do over time to heal is to find new people to fill the various functions that the person performed for you. I think I can't do that. I don't think that the kind of love I received can be provided by anyone else in quite that same way. But it's what I need. I don't feel safe or grounded without it.

In some ways my life is going too good for me to feel like this. But I know there is more coming up. More moving. more tuition. More learning. more work. more everything. Which would imply more good, and it does. I know it does. But I still feel weighed down. And I want someone to come take that from me. Just to tell me that it's not just mine to hold and carry.

I want the crisis line to be good. not just repeat what you say. Filmmaker says I want perfection and that things just can't be easy. But I can't keep feeling this way. I just can't.

I was angry for the first time when I was dealing with the bugs in my new house. I was in the garage doing something with boxes and I was angry. I didn't know how my life had come to that. I was angry that he died and I was left behind to just fend for myself - angry I felt so entirely unequipped to do so. It always comes down to this.

But I have to stop now. I have a headache coming on from tears and I have to be at work in 8 hours, and I have to look pretty for work, which takes time. I don't know what my next step is to deal with all of this. I know it can't be shopping, and it can't be moping.

You know how people talk about having conversations with dead people. I don't. I don't have any connection to it. I just think and feel small and alone and abandoned.