Doing nothing

Ok, so I am being totally lazy. I haven't even touched the notes beside me. I have considered bringing them with me though and writing while on the trip. Late nights in B&B's or something like that. Or while on trains and in the car. It'll get done. They always do. I still have all day tomorrow to do it as well so surprisingly I'm not really concerned.

I've been wearing my sleep dress around today and, combined with the good music, I fell all sexy and dance-y. It's really short though and whenever I lean down to check what I have cooking in the oven I'm positive that if anyone walk into the kitchen too much of me will be on display. At least I can hear when someone comes down the hall to the kitchen.

My packing is much more done. Well all the stuff I want to take other than make-up and the like is piled into the suitcase. It doesn't all fit, but should once it's folded and sorted. I'm taking too much stuff though I think. Oh well. That's what tomorrows for. Plus I know I'll come back with an extra bag of stuff. That's how my vacations work.

ok, I'm going to go and keep reading randomness on the internet. The only reason I'm not writing my paper is because I don't know how I'm answering the question. I understand everything I've taken notes on and I understand the question I'm just not sure what I think about it all yet. If I had that it would be easy. I might go to bed early again.

I am going to start

Well the library this morning was worth it. If only to remind me how many really how guys go to my uni. And are in the library in the middle of break even. I thought of classclown all throughout my shower this morning. I'm still not thinking of him while wanking though. Not sure if that's good or bad.

I am wanting to eat today but I'm not really hungry. I think it's just an excuse to continue not writing the paper. The bibliography is complete and all my notes are neatly sorted beside me on my desk. I even have a blank document open and ready to be used. My laundry is in progress as is my packing, but I won't be able to finish packing until Saturday before I leave to catch my train. My room is also quite clean. So basically I am really running out of things to do instead of my paper. I have all day tomorrow though.

I really have nothing to say. I'm getting less shy about wanting to buy porn to not fucking caring. Last night I really just wanted to be fucked - even after all that being satisfied my myself shiit the other day. I didn't even pull out the vibe because my hands were occupied and unwilling to cease for even 5 seconds. I slept well and early though. Lots of dreams too. All about family stuff and my home. Not surprising considering the upcoming vacation with a member of said family.

A reason for everything

Well I decided to pay for porn and it didn't fucking work. bloody fucking hell. Apparently despite my credit card have plenty of spece on it it souldn't pre-authorize the transaction. I'll consider tying with my UK card in the morning or trying again with the canadian one in a few days. Such is life I guess.

It's actually probably best that I do it after my paper is done as I don't need incentive to not write it. Also I'm going on holidays for two weeks starting this weekend so it would kind of be silly to pay now. But in two weeks, if the want is still there I'll do it. It may just be a passing thing as today I am feeling a bit more wanton than usual.

I'll be honest (as if I'm not usually) and say I wonder what people are like in bed. Right now that is particularly relevant to classclown. Like I wonder. He's pretty shallow and I wonder if it's all for his own gratification. He also doesn't seem very adventurous, but then you never know. Although he did say he though two guys together was not in any way hot, nor did he understand it, which for me is not quite a deal breaker but not cool at all. Like would he go down on me before I made a move to go down on him? Would he venture near my ass without prompting? yes, this is how I think my friends. But I am not crushing on him. really.

Off to bed I go though, even though I am physically already there. I have a library to visit tomorrow and a cunt that wants some direct attention and not so much of this logistical stuff.

porn

After talking to someone I have decided I will at least go look at the book. So I have ceased attempts to write the paper tonight. I'm also going to go to bed early in hopes of hitting the library before non and coming home to do at least half of the paper before sleeping. I made baked tofu for dinner which kicked ass and didn't do laundry. I did realize that my new jeans look great with my heels. That's really cool because I always wanted to be able to wear jeans with heals but thought it looked funny on me. no longer the case. I may have to buy a pair or three of these jeans to bring home with me.

What does this have to do with porn you ask? Well shopping is like porn to me, but that's not what I wanted to talk about. See having nothing to do and lazing around all day, combined with a slightly heightened sex drive has got me thinking about paying for porn.

Now I'm not very visual when it comes to porn but I think that's mostly because so much of what is out there just doesn't appeal to me, aesthetically or ethically. When I do see stuff I like, I quite enjoy it. One of the blogs I read daily is Trixies and I really enjoy it just purely as a day to day read. That said, she is hot. I also really agree with her views on sexuality and porn and how she seems to run her business. To me, all that stuff is important.

Basically I'm considering joining. I don't have tons of cash but I could manage a month and then see if I want to cancel or keep going. I haven't really decided yet and I'm not too sure why. It is a site targeted to men but not done in such a way to offend, or exclude women and most of the women targeted porn I've seen does nothing for me, but then I haven't seen a lot. I've got a few other paid sites bookmarked because I came across them and was impressed so maybe I'll look at them. Comapre shop or something like that.

I'm snacking like crazy today and dancing around in my sleep dress. I am in quite a good mood and the hour is approaching to fall into my warm and cozy, if tiny, bed.

edited to add: I feel like a bad person (and I am) when I see someone who is heavier than me and I conciously remark to myself that I am "not as fat as them". Also, it's amazing how a really hot guy with tattoos is really unattractive when he spouts about god and likes ac/dc. (So far these are my thoughts as I look at paid porn. hm.)

stuff being done

Well it has been an exciting hour. I finihsed my bibilography and it is quite good. I usually have really good bibilographies so at least I know I' won't lose marks there. I also found out that the wonderful Martha Wainwright who just released an album this week is going to be playing in my city in June and I could seriously not be more excited about it. I'm actually going to pay the rediculously inflated UK CD prices I love her that much.

I'm seeing the second rainbow of the day out the window and the wind is blowing like crazy. I can hear the rain on the windows too. It's nice. My neck still hurts like mad. I'm going to go make something to eat too.

But I have a dilemma. I opened my course outline where my essay topic it and it seems that when I first talked to my instructors about the topic I was receomended a book to read to understand the concept I was writing about. Now it doesn't involve the specific context of the discussion but would be good background on general theory. I must have forgot about it though because I haven't read it. SHould I go to the library and flip through it? I really don't want to and feel I have a good grsp on the topic but will it look bad to not have it on the bibilography?

Bloody fucking hell I say. I'm going to put some tofu in the oven and start some laundry. I deserve a break. (HA!)

Sore and procrastinating

Yesterday I was hapily wanking in my bed. Then, right in the middle of my orgasm the muscles in my nexk seized up and caused me much pain. I was so not impressed. I realized I was in a weird position, half leaning against the wall, which I didn't have to be in but fucking hell. My neck and shoulders are still sore today too.

I had dreams last night about ballet. Starting to dance again and my shoes being uncomfortable and not feeling like it, but feeling pressured to. I also had a dream where I had to discect something for a class and it really upset me and I couldn't do it, but I was being forced to. So I cried and ran from the room screaming. I also had a dream the incluided looking at books in a library.

The dreams of being pushed to do something I don't want to do are easily explain by either my June trip to Greece when I'd rather stay in the UK, or just going home in general. I don't think I can link it to all the sex thoughts of yesterday.

I still haven't started my paper. I have put all my notes and stuff beside me on the desk so that I have to see them as I chose to not work on it. I don't know if that will help. I might do laundry today. Maybe a bit of crafting when survivor finishes downloading. Or, miraculously I might decide to do what is best and start my paper. Who knows.

Considering Sex

well I should be considering the Italian countryside, power dynamics and art right now and working on my paper, I am not. I am going through all the blogs I have bookmarked and reading them. I am listening to music. I am eating crisps. I am reading various message boards. I am thinking about crafting. I am waiting for CSI to download.

But above all I am thinking about sex. Not in a fun, I want to wank, way, but a pensive and analytical one.

(aside before my boring sexual considerations. Rupaul's blog currently has a bunch of Mariah Carey content and I love it. I have such a soft spot for her and it's another thing on the list that makes me unhip. go visit. His blog is great in genrral too.)

I was thinking about how it's possible for me to not be sexually frustrated. I mean, ya, I want it, but I'm not frustrated. If I don't wank regularaly I get a bit retarded but that doesn't really happen because I wank whenever I want really. On one of the message boards I read there's a discussion on frustration and I read it but I never post because I don't feel it. I have no overwhelming desire to just get laid to be less frustrated.

Not really connected, I'm feeling done with the (non)crush on classclown. It might just ben because I'm not seeing him but whatever. I'm just boring of having crushes on people. I'd love to move forward, but in a way, and obviously, I have no idea how. Well I do technically but I'm not for whatever stupid reasons.

I wonder what I'd be like if I did have someone to sleep with and was actually sleeping with. Would I have more desire? the same? less? I think that might be a stupid question but I'm not sure. Maybe it just concerns me because in a way I want to be sexually frustrated. Like if I were I'd be more motivated to get over all my fear about dating and relationships and just do it. But the fact that I can keep myself satisfied doesn't help that. If I can keep myself more-or-less sexually satisfied, and I have friends that love me and keep me entertained, why do I need a boyfriend? I don't really belive that, but it's easy enough to accept when I'm scared.

At the same time though, I know I would be way happier if I had someone else, if only happier in a sexual context. But then I don't really remember it. I have to go back to the Artist to consider what my last sexual relationshipwas like, and maybe becasue it's so shamefully distant, or because we're friends, I just don't get anything from it. We had a good sex life for what we knew. We experimented, I came a lot, and such. However, I can't really remember it. I have a few moments in my head but the most vivid one is the virginity story, which is really fucking funny and non-sexual, and the night he broke up with me, which actually made me really mad and to this day leaves me with bad thoughts.

All other episodes with other people (none of which involve fucking) are awkward and fucked because I can't do anything without over thinking or with me too drunk to remember deriving actual pleasure from it. Good at the moment but shitty in memory.

Maybe I'm one of those people who just needs a good fuck to remember what she's been missing. It's not that I don't want it though. I just don't want it enough to overlook other things. Sometimes I think that's good and othertimes, like now it kind of pisses me off. I'm in University, shouldn't I be fucking a lot of people? or at least fucking one person a lot?

As usual I don't know where any of this rambling is going. I think I might delay my paper writing a bit more and have a "nap" or something. Part of me just wants to get it over with so I don't have all this hesitation and fear anymore but I think it would suck to get laid once, have it be really good, and not have promise of it again. Or if it was bad what a fucking waste. I'm definitely on the 'no sex over bad sex' group.

I think I'll leave this here for today. Or not. we'll see.

Delayed thoughts

Another dream about making out last night but I don't remeber who it involved and someone was irritated with me about it (not the person I was making out with). I wish I could just have normal sex dreams like everyone else.

London was fun. I mean nothing really exciting happened. A went to museums, though not as many as I had planned, and they were good as expected. I totally stayed on budget despite shoes and a relatively expensive dinner on Saturday. I hhad met some people I know from a community and it was lots of fun. We went out for a bit afterwards, but I left fairly early with some others becasue I was staying in HIghgate and wasn't sure which night bus to take. I was also tired and a bit headachy.

I think it's just how I felt being there. Like it was al very natural. The tube, the train, the parks. It's hard to explain. I just felt happy and that made the weekend great. I guess it's so nice to be able to go to London for weekends, but in the back of my head I know that soon it will be impossible.

I have this compulsion with eating. Because I don't eat meat I am kind of obsessed with liking everything else. I was like this as a child to and I did eat meat then so who knows. There are very few foods I don't like or will not try now with only the meat exceptions. That's probably why I'm so distressed by my bodies sudden distaste for eggs and other animal by-product items.

When I was young I didn't like squash. My parents cooked it a lot though and everytime they did I'd eat some. It wasn't becasue they made me, I like vegetables so it's not like I was forced to eat stuff, but because I wanted to like it. I mean they liked it so what was my body/head not getting about how good the stuff was? SO everytime I could eat squash I'd have a tiny bit. Now I love the stuff and make tons of stuff with it.

Anyway, my current food challenges are olives and beets. I have never liked either. I can now handle olives on pizza usually and in pasta sauces where they're well mixed in. Beets are a challenge. Once I went to a friends for dinner and she had put beets in the salad. I didn't tell her I didn't like them and ate them. Luckily they were big and I only had two when I served myself. They weren't bad but I wasn't hooked. Another time we were at her's and making salad and they were shredding beats for the salad. We had been drinking a bit while cooking and I told them how I hated beats but I wanted to like them and to put them in the salad anyways.

Olives are another story. I had a friend from hom visiting me and we were going to make burritos for dinner. She grabbed a jar of olives and I told her i didn't like them, but wanted to, so we'd just chop them up and it'd work. So we got to the flat and she was cooking and I took a whole olive right out of the jar and with lots of courage I ate it. It wasn't that bad but I said I wouldn't do it again. I did like them mixed in with the burritos though. Another night we were out for dinner and there were whole olives in my salad and I ate them all. I was actually proud of myself. Then at dinner this Saturday olives were part of the bread and humous starte and I ate three of them. 2 green and a black. I am seriously proud of myself.

Another think I don't eat is coffee. I guess I don't drink it. When I meet people for coffee I either have a hot chocolate or a steam soy milk with vanilla. I don't really like the smell of it and am supposed to limit my caffine intake as much as possible because of the anxiety. So this weekend I was staying at a woman house who I hadn't met and in the morning she asked if I wanted coffe and I thought I said "no, tea please" but she proceeded to make only coffee. Well I should couldn't stand to correct her so I was served coffee. I drank the whole thing and even had another cup the next morning. It didn't wake me up that much or anything, but wasn't as bad as I remembered it. I won't start drinking it now though, it wasn't that good.

That plus the beautiful shoes and great museums is all I need to be happy with a weekend in London.

Another thing was that she had a son who was 17 and he was really hot. As 17 year old boys tend to be he was a bit withdrawn. He came home around 2 am on friday which was an hour earlier than he had said. We were still up talking in the kitchen. Me and he had talkind about all kinds of things that night and when she asked he son if he had been smoking any pot he looked at me and was pretty caught off guard. He does, but said he hadn't that night. He did say he had drank 9 pints that night though.

Fuck, it just started to rain. I want sun. I had corn fritters that were on sale at sainsbury's yesterday and they were good. I'm hungry now but am not sure what I want to eat. I've got stuff though. I had my first orgasm in days yesterday (I tend not to wank in other peoples houses unless they're involved, or I'm drunk, horny and sleeping there) and that was quite good. The bateries in my vibe are running low though and I'm out of new ones, so I must buy some. Hopefully I can get by until my papers done becasue I really need to stay home until it is. That's silly. My hands are fine, they just take longer, but I have the other toy in incorporate now too.

I did have other things to say yesterday but blogger had fucked up and I don't rememebr them now. I might go to some writing or I might waste some more time. In any case I'll be around.

Mulling It Over

I'm just watching some American Idol then I've got to head to the library to finish my research. Also to Sainsbury's because I have very little food and will need snacks to get through the paper writing.

I was thinking about my dreams with classclown and what my brain is trying to tell me. I sometimes have dreams about the Artist in sexual or couple-y ways and I know that they are about wanted to feel completely loved. So taking that type of idea I think dreams of him are about wanting to feel like I'm worthy of flirting with. That sounds kind of silly but it works in my head, becasue it's not related to who I'm dreaming about but how they make me feel, and it's that feeling that I want.

This is just another short one because it's getting late and I need to hsower before I go to the library.

Home sweet...new shoes

Well I am safely back in my flat. The weekend kicked ass tons and was surprisingly cheap in terms of a weekend in London. Highlights include awesome shoes, fabulous people, a beautiful and insipiring museum, amazing weather, self-discoveries, another kissing dream about classclown, a really hot 17 year old, and tasty food. I am feeling wonderful but have tons of online stuff to catch up on. I'll be around tomorrow with a bunch of crap probably.