Considering Sex

well I should be considering the Italian countryside, power dynamics and art right now and working on my paper, I am not. I am going through all the blogs I have bookmarked and reading them. I am listening to music. I am eating crisps. I am reading various message boards. I am thinking about crafting. I am waiting for CSI to download.

But above all I am thinking about sex. Not in a fun, I want to wank, way, but a pensive and analytical one.

(aside before my boring sexual considerations. Rupaul's blog currently has a bunch of Mariah Carey content and I love it. I have such a soft spot for her and it's another thing on the list that makes me unhip. go visit. His blog is great in genrral too.)

I was thinking about how it's possible for me to not be sexually frustrated. I mean, ya, I want it, but I'm not frustrated. If I don't wank regularaly I get a bit retarded but that doesn't really happen because I wank whenever I want really. On one of the message boards I read there's a discussion on frustration and I read it but I never post because I don't feel it. I have no overwhelming desire to just get laid to be less frustrated.

Not really connected, I'm feeling done with the (non)crush on classclown. It might just ben because I'm not seeing him but whatever. I'm just boring of having crushes on people. I'd love to move forward, but in a way, and obviously, I have no idea how. Well I do technically but I'm not for whatever stupid reasons.

I wonder what I'd be like if I did have someone to sleep with and was actually sleeping with. Would I have more desire? the same? less? I think that might be a stupid question but I'm not sure. Maybe it just concerns me because in a way I want to be sexually frustrated. Like if I were I'd be more motivated to get over all my fear about dating and relationships and just do it. But the fact that I can keep myself satisfied doesn't help that. If I can keep myself more-or-less sexually satisfied, and I have friends that love me and keep me entertained, why do I need a boyfriend? I don't really belive that, but it's easy enough to accept when I'm scared.

At the same time though, I know I would be way happier if I had someone else, if only happier in a sexual context. But then I don't really remember it. I have to go back to the Artist to consider what my last sexual relationshipwas like, and maybe becasue it's so shamefully distant, or because we're friends, I just don't get anything from it. We had a good sex life for what we knew. We experimented, I came a lot, and such. However, I can't really remember it. I have a few moments in my head but the most vivid one is the virginity story, which is really fucking funny and non-sexual, and the night he broke up with me, which actually made me really mad and to this day leaves me with bad thoughts.

All other episodes with other people (none of which involve fucking) are awkward and fucked because I can't do anything without over thinking or with me too drunk to remember deriving actual pleasure from it. Good at the moment but shitty in memory.

Maybe I'm one of those people who just needs a good fuck to remember what she's been missing. It's not that I don't want it though. I just don't want it enough to overlook other things. Sometimes I think that's good and othertimes, like now it kind of pisses me off. I'm in University, shouldn't I be fucking a lot of people? or at least fucking one person a lot?

As usual I don't know where any of this rambling is going. I think I might delay my paper writing a bit more and have a "nap" or something. Part of me just wants to get it over with so I don't have all this hesitation and fear anymore but I think it would suck to get laid once, have it be really good, and not have promise of it again. Or if it was bad what a fucking waste. I'm definitely on the 'no sex over bad sex' group.

I think I'll leave this here for today. Or not. we'll see.