aborted plans

Well by the time I was showered, dressed and ready to go out, it was almost 4:00 and would leave me hardly any time in the city so I ended up not going. I have been talking about getting new under-things for weeks now and it's irritating that I haven't acted on it. I should be going to Sainsbury's but I really don't want to. It's raining and grey out. Which hasn't been happening as often as everyone in Britain would have outsiders believe it does.

The only reason that I feel like I should go out is that I actually brushed my hair and put make-up on. I mean all that effort to just stay in my flat, when I could have just stayed in my pajamas and done laundry. Well I'm still going to do laundry but whatever. I've been having some boring weekends. Sorry. I feel like I should be providing entertainement of some sort, but I'm totally not. I would like to. I kind of need the release a night a drinking and dancing provides me.

Well I should go eat something because I haven't yet today. I should also do some reading or something. And start the laundry. I'm totally going to have to convince some people to go out next weekend. Or maybe Tuesday night if the people who ususally go, do this week. We'll see.

Making Decisions

Well last night was long. My arm/burn hurt like crazy all night and I ended up calling NHS direct and the nurse I spoke to said I should go to the hospital becasue it sounded like it might be a second degree burn and that means theres risk of infection and heavy scarring. I didn't go though. The hospital isn't too far from me, but it was 2 in the morning and I would have had to go on my own which I wasn't interested in. I was going to go today, but it's feeling better. Instead I'm going to go into the city and and buy myself something special at M&S probably. On Monday I'll make an appointment with my doctor to make sure it's ok.

I kind of feel like I should go to the hospital, but I really don't want to because it doesn't seem like an emergency and I don't want to go alone. I pass it on my way into the city, so I could change my mind. I won't though. I'm more scared to embarrass myself by going to emergency when it's not warranted than I'm worried that infection is going to setin over the weekend. If I notice any signs of infection though, I will go to the hospital.

Ok, time for a shower and a bit of shopping.

ouch.

I have just acquired a burn that is over two inches long on the top of my forearm from an oven rack which was something like 200 degrees. It hurts still and I did it about 30 minutes ago. I have a bowl of ice water on my desk and a cloth that is wet and I keep dipping it in the ice water when my arm warms it up. It's really red though and already starting to swell. Crap.

On the upside all the flatmates and their guests went out and I am having a very quiet and productive evening.

I want to kill them all

I hate my flatmates. I'm not going to go into it but I hate them and want to kill them and their friends.

One thing that brits say as a greeting type thing is "you alright?" as like a "how are you?" alternative. Well it always catches me off guard because I don't know how to respond. For me it's something someone asks when you look like things are not all right, so I wonder what about me seems not alright. and I just don't know how to respond. 'Good' makes no sense but "yes" seems kind of silly to me.

After my lectures were over I spend some time in the library to finish a book I wanted to return before I went home and the library there were so many hot guys. I was impressed. I was also hungry though because I hadn't eaten yet and it was past 3:00 so I just focused on my reading so I could get home.

I wanted to spend a quiet Friday night at home, but my flatmates are preventing that. I hope they all just go out or something. And never come back. That would be good.

Just Another Day

I didn't wear a cleavage-revealing shirt today mostly becuse anything that was warm enough not to cover with a sweater was in the laundry. Well, I did wear one, and still am wearing it, but under a sweater that is not. Oh well. I shouldn't want to do that with him anyways. Although whenever I wear this top, I always remember why I like it so much and I feel great in it.

So this weekend all my friends are out of town which sucks. I have tons of school stuff to read, but when it's the only thing I have to do I tend to not do any of it. I may go into my city and buy something for myself even though I should save the cash for Birmingham. We'll see. I should go in anyways though to buy a ticket for a show I want to see in early March. I've seen him before but it was good and the venue he's playing here is tiny so it'll be neat.

There's something yelping outside my window. Sounds like a squirrl but too loud and doesn't sound quite like a fox. I've only heard the foxes once though, they actually woke me up and I saw them fight outside my window. It was crazy.

I'm going to attempt to go to sleep now. I have two lectures tomorrow afternoon but I also have to buy some groceries because I have nothing to make a good meal here. Actually the only things I can make right now are cheese toast and pasta with cheese. Not bad but I need my veggies.

Fucking Birmingham

1. I keep having to change when I'm going because it may be my first week of lectures but I am swamped.

2. A wonderful woman is doing a show at the end of this month that I really want to go to.

3. I have no lectures or anything the next day so I could stay overnight in the city and shop the next day.

4. There is not a single hostel in Birmingham, but I'm a student a a hotel in the middle of it isn't really in my budget.

5. I'm taking a bit of a trip to the South-West and Cardiff in APril and found out the person I am going with (not a hot guy unfortunately) will pay all my accomodation expenses.

6. I need to find an affordable place in the middle of Birmingham to sleep for one night, and I might consider splurging, which isn't that much cash in my world, and staying in an actualy hotel for a night.

7. Other topic but I'm considering wearing a cleavage-revealing shirt tomorrow just becasue I have a lecture with Elliott. How awful of me.

Late Night Games

One of the things I am known for by my friends is loving games. I really like them. Like board games and drinking games and cards. All that kind of thing. I am currently in my bed and have iTunes on. It's the only music playing thing in my room and I love it. Back home I have tons of CD's and couldn't bring them all with me. Instead I burned everything onto my laptop. Since then I have acquired music from various friends and the lovely CD library my campus has. Currently my song library has 1994 songs. I almost always have it on shuffle.

I will type out the first lines of the first 10 songs that come on. I want you guys to guess what songs they are. There's no prize, but if anyone wants a particular prize from me and guesses one right, I'll consider it. Certainly no promises though. As people guess right I will edit the post to show the answers. Let the games begin with the next song. (Right now is "Love me Tender" by Elvis.)

1. One man come in the name of love, one man come and go....

2. I wish I had a Sylvia Plath, busted tooth and a smile...

3. Snow can wait, I forgot my mittens...

4. Ice age, heat wave, can't complain, If the world's at large why should I remain?

5. As far as you take me, that's where I believe...

6. In the quickness of our haste it seems we forget how to live...

7. When it's on the one you know the funk's begun...

8. I register operational. In the land of the gauching skiving sun...

9. I'm on my time with everyone, I have very bad posture...

10. Two jumps in a week. I bet you think that's pretty clever, don't you boy?

I think some of these are pretty easy, they even have the song title in the lines, but then it's my song collection...(I should also note I did skip a few songs because they were by artists so few people would know.)

sigh

Ok, well I decided that it's not as bad as I thought it was. Well it's bad but only because of what I'm used to. Anyways, I'm not feeling mopey like I thought I would be. Go listen to Razorlight and The Zutons. I'm going to go and read the new magazine I bought because it came with a bag and listen to The Polyphonic Spree. Maybe read my cards. Today the lecture I had was a continuation of last term so it was all the same people. Elliott was totally staring at my breasts. I think I'll have a nap, too. I'm tired and that might have casued the drastic reaction over my results.

I'm a loser

I just got results from school back and I suck. Basically I have no idea what I'm doing and feel like I can't do the only thing I have ever really wanted to do. I'm going to be boring and mopey until at least Thursday so if there's nothing here that's why. I'll try but you don't want to read garbage about how fucked up I feel right now so if that's all I've got there will be no writing. This can't last beyond Thursday though.

Maybe not what was expected

So I was doing something the other day. Walking, cooking, reading, who knows. So, it occured to me that I can't see myself having sex or even kissing anyone. Like I can't close my eyes and imagine it. I was all like "what the fuck?" because it's pretty depressing, and I've had a pretty good few days recently. Oh! I just remembered what happened to trigger this. This needs back story so bear with me for a bit.

One night, Victoria and I came home early from a thing at the Uni but we had both drank at least a bottle of wine each and were pretty tipsy. We came back to my flat and wanted to play a drinking game so we knocked on the downstairs boy's flat. They weren't answering and it was only about 11:00. As we're standing there, the flat across from them (there's two flats on each level of my block) opens their door and there stands 4 boys. I had seen them around but never met them. The downstairs boys come out finally but are too high to actually do anything, so the 4 boys come upstairs and we drink and play games and chat and stuff. Fun night overall. Maybe a week later I am trying to do some school stuff but I'm actually avoiding doing it. One of the downstairs boy's sees me in my room from outside and we start talking. After a while one of the 4 boys comes home super drunk, and instead of going to his flat, comes to mine. The downstairs boy leaves while making jokes about me 'doing my homework'. The boy is smashed and reading one of my textbooks, but wants me to sit with him and read but I'm all like "go home, you're going to fall asleep in my room". After about half an hour I eventually get him to leave and it's only when he hugs me and kisses my hand on the way out I realize that he came up to my flat possibly with a motive.

After that I really never talked to the 4 boys again more than a passing hello. I don't know why because we all seemed to enjoy eachother's company. I did talk to one of them a bit as we saw each other around the block but not much. So anyways, I saw the drunk boy the other day with a girl walking towards our block. I wasn't jealous or anything but it got me thinking. Why am I not in a relationship? Why have I not been in one for a while? I don't in any way regret not sitting with him and reading, I was and am not interested in him at all, but what if I had been interested in him? Would I have done it? Or would I have just done the same thing?

I could say that one of the reasons I can't actually picture myself with someone is because I'm not interested in anyone and visuallizing an unknown person isn't as easy as a real person. So I thought about the downstairs boy (not the one that I was talking to in the story, but the one I almost/kind of liked) but nothing. I don't know if it's because I'm not interested anymore or because there's something wrong with me.

Aside here: I got over the boy because I didn't want to fuck up a friendship and he's young and for some reason I seem to translate that into sexually reserved/immature and that's not what I want in my life. I can be kind of dirty and don't feel any shame over it and want someone at that same kind of level.

I always half believed that a good way of achieving something was by vizualizing it. I can't do that right now and it makes me wonder if something is wrong with all of this. With more thought I just blame it on nerves relating to being vulnerable, because I'm not good at that, but it's still enerving. I want someone. I don't know if it's worse to have a specific someone in mind and have no idea how to do it, or to not know at all who you want. I don't even think I have a type of person looks wise to imagine. This is going no where. Progress, or lack of, will be reported as needed.