Maybe not what was expected

So I was doing something the other day. Walking, cooking, reading, who knows. So, it occured to me that I can't see myself having sex or even kissing anyone. Like I can't close my eyes and imagine it. I was all like "what the fuck?" because it's pretty depressing, and I've had a pretty good few days recently. Oh! I just remembered what happened to trigger this. This needs back story so bear with me for a bit.

One night, Victoria and I came home early from a thing at the Uni but we had both drank at least a bottle of wine each and were pretty tipsy. We came back to my flat and wanted to play a drinking game so we knocked on the downstairs boy's flat. They weren't answering and it was only about 11:00. As we're standing there, the flat across from them (there's two flats on each level of my block) opens their door and there stands 4 boys. I had seen them around but never met them. The downstairs boys come out finally but are too high to actually do anything, so the 4 boys come upstairs and we drink and play games and chat and stuff. Fun night overall. Maybe a week later I am trying to do some school stuff but I'm actually avoiding doing it. One of the downstairs boy's sees me in my room from outside and we start talking. After a while one of the 4 boys comes home super drunk, and instead of going to his flat, comes to mine. The downstairs boy leaves while making jokes about me 'doing my homework'. The boy is smashed and reading one of my textbooks, but wants me to sit with him and read but I'm all like "go home, you're going to fall asleep in my room". After about half an hour I eventually get him to leave and it's only when he hugs me and kisses my hand on the way out I realize that he came up to my flat possibly with a motive.

After that I really never talked to the 4 boys again more than a passing hello. I don't know why because we all seemed to enjoy eachother's company. I did talk to one of them a bit as we saw each other around the block but not much. So anyways, I saw the drunk boy the other day with a girl walking towards our block. I wasn't jealous or anything but it got me thinking. Why am I not in a relationship? Why have I not been in one for a while? I don't in any way regret not sitting with him and reading, I was and am not interested in him at all, but what if I had been interested in him? Would I have done it? Or would I have just done the same thing?

I could say that one of the reasons I can't actually picture myself with someone is because I'm not interested in anyone and visuallizing an unknown person isn't as easy as a real person. So I thought about the downstairs boy (not the one that I was talking to in the story, but the one I almost/kind of liked) but nothing. I don't know if it's because I'm not interested anymore or because there's something wrong with me.

Aside here: I got over the boy because I didn't want to fuck up a friendship and he's young and for some reason I seem to translate that into sexually reserved/immature and that's not what I want in my life. I can be kind of dirty and don't feel any shame over it and want someone at that same kind of level.

I always half believed that a good way of achieving something was by vizualizing it. I can't do that right now and it makes me wonder if something is wrong with all of this. With more thought I just blame it on nerves relating to being vulnerable, because I'm not good at that, but it's still enerving. I want someone. I don't know if it's worse to have a specific someone in mind and have no idea how to do it, or to not know at all who you want. I don't even think I have a type of person looks wise to imagine. This is going no where. Progress, or lack of, will be reported as needed.