To Midge

Do you mind that I write about how I'm feeling in relation to you on linger? My thoughts are going crazy and it's somehow gotten all tied up into C, who I'm apparently not done thinking about. But some of it is relating to you and Blondie also reads so I want to make sure it's ok.
I feel like I need advice but I'm not willing to open myself up to anyone enough because what I'm keeping kind of makes me feel pathetic. In itself that is sad and untrue but it is still that way. When I sugarcoat stuff I know what the advice is but I'm not sure otherwise. I feel like I should just know it and it should just happen. But nothing ever happens and I don't know how to do anything else.
That all went further than I planned. I feel stuck in my lack of relationships.

(An email I just sent. You may get more later. I'm feeling confused and needing affection and companionship. I'm dyeing my hair red.)

Heat

It is so warm tonight I am going to have a shit time falling asleep. But I am very excited for the parade tomorrow and that's kind of keeping me up. I do want to straighten my hair in the morning though which means an extra 45 minutes onto my normal 20 minute morning routine.

Last night I had some crazy dreams. The major part involved the young downstairs boy and being in England and me wanting to have fun playful and light sex but him being really stressed about it being "right" and a certain way. We were in his room which had three doors to it and people kept walking in and I thought it was funny but he didn't. Then there's an image of him undergoing some pretty intense bondage-y torture play at my hands that is not usually something I think about.

There's one part I specifically remember where he was lying on the floor with his head kind of propped up and his legs kind of apart and I'm kneeling between his legs sucking him off. I'm wearing a white t-shirt (which I'd never wear in real life) and no bra but he says to me "Shouldn't your shirt be off by now?" Now, in my real (or should I say potential?) sex life, I love clothes. I'm super comfy in my naked body too, but something about having sex half-clothed is kind of hot for me. So in the dream I didn't take the shirt off but pulled it up so it wasn't covering my breasts and got back to the task at hand.

Actually the "comfort with my naked body" thing was something I thought about last night and wanted to mention. I was doing stuff last night because Titania was out and it was right before bed and I was fully unclothed and I felt so comfortable. I felt beautiful and sexy even. Like I had this awareness that my body is not perfect or even close but that just my posture and relax-ness completely equaled it out. It was the ultimate in simplicity that just felt awesome.

ok, I have to close the curtain which separates my bed from the living room because I'm all fondling my tits in a manner that is going somewhere and I have no idea when Titania is coming home. I also had a fragment of a dream about Midge but I'm not sure what happened. It was about sex though.

Foursome

I haven't been getting notifications of comments because I entered my new email wrong but I think it's fixed now.

I really like using the word cunt. I find it's a strong and powerful word and never use it as an insult. (Unless I'm playing borad games with close friends and alcohol is involved - but then I'm not really being insulting.) Plus it includes everything: labia (labiae? labias?), vagina, clit, rather than just one part.

Noise and sex is just as good as silence and sex. Yesterday I practiced slience. Today I'm going for some noise. I have constucted some of the midge fantasy to be full of silence and hushing. The few fantasies about CRB were noise centered.

Would people find a post summarizing all the people I talk about helpful? I'd keep a link to it on the main page too.

Using Smarts

I had my smart balls in for several hours tonight. I find that they tend to shift a lot when I stad up after sitting down but it was much better today and even less feeling like they're going to fall out. Also, sometimes you can't feel them at all and other times the balls are totally moving around and every feeling is amplified.

I actually spent a good portion of my time watching "Without a Trace" lying on the couch trying to make the balls move. (They are little balls inside eachlarger ball and the larger ones don't move at all so it's a really neat feeling) Anyway, it's less productive than crafting or cleaning but just as occupying.

I've taken them out now because I'm in my bed but my cunt is throbbing and, though I'm not really aroused, is demanding some serious attention. It will take very little to get me off tonight.

Making Decisions

It has been so wonderfully warm in this city. I haven't worn any jackets or hoodies of any sort in weeks and am living in skirts and tank tops. Often when this happens in Vancouver it gets all smoggy and rain is very needed to clear the air but it's been windy enough that that hasn't happened and it's been beautiful as a result.

Chatton and I are full of ideas and motivation about really focusing on a business. We've been super excited when we talk and both want to spend more time on it. So this Saturday we're doing a bunch of work. I have also decided to just work at HK Inc for another two weeks and then spend the last two weeks of my summer making things and relaxing.

I honestly don't have to much else to say. I've got to sync my computers up and do some cleaning becasue I want to feel more organized. I feel in a fairly good mood but just want to create so so so bad and working all day isn't the right environment to do so.

oh, I've got a new email address if anyone wans to use it and I'm almost up to 3000 unique visits to the site. I've also received notification of Midge's return date and it's marked on the calendars.

Did I mention?

1. I loved my outfit today. Straight hair, green sparkley eye shadow, sheer yellow wide neck, 3/4 length shirt over turquoise tank, turquoise warp skirt, ballet flats.

2. I have my smartballs in action as I type. I'm getting more used to them and fears of them slipping out are quickly dissipating. I will surely venture to wear them out at some point in the future.

3. I love SILK brand chocolate soy milk so much. Warmed up for a bit in the microwave aand it's so bloody good.

4. On Sunday I'm going to the pride parade with Titania and some other friends. We're doing breakfast on Davie first which will be great fun. We'll probably hang out the whole day on the beach because it will be fun.

5. I really want a skirt at Banana Republic but didn't buy it despite having some extra money and being downtown after work. It's even on sale and pink and silk. I might buy it later in the week if it's still there.

6. I bought hair dye today (on sale!) but it's bright red instead of my normal purple-black. I'm not going to do it for a few more weeks I think it's good to have around. I'm interested to see how I like the colour change. The black has been pretty standard for the last 3 years or so.

7. I'm feeling done with any interest I've had in C and it's time to find someone who hasn't been involved with a friend of mine and now it's awkward.

8. Chatton and I are restarting our business under a new name. We will oficially start on Saturday and I am excited.

9. I'm trying to sleep early so I get used to getting up when I'll have to in September so I've got to run to get ready for bed. I also am in need of an orgasm tongiht which means getting in bed extra early.

10. I really want everyone to vote in the poll on the side. Please. It'll make me happy.

Coincidences

I finished that being pretty exasperated but I guess it's left me feeling like any of the potential that may have been there is gone. Titania said I just had to find someone else but that is no easy thing. Also, the three people who know said that this shouldn't mean I should forget about him. Even Miranda said he was really nice and funny.

In other news, I am wearing my smartballs and I like them a lot. I would totally wear them out to certain places. I can only feel the little balls inside them moving sometimes and it's not instantly or completely arousing but it certainly increases my awareness.

I want a person to have sex with.

P.S. this audiopost is how I tell a story when I'm drunk or excited. I promise I have had no drinks today.

Continuing

I spent yesterday on my own just doing things that kept me warm and distracted. I'm going out with Miranda this afternoon. We're going shopping but I have no money so I won't be doing any actual shopping. We talked this morning and I just unloaded. I feel like I'm doing that to most of my friends when I talk to them and then I feell bad. I might head downtown early and see if I can take some books out of the library about grieving. I have $39.00 of fines so I'm not sure if they'll let me take anything out.

I had a dream about guys and friends and dancing and not knowing what I want or wanting something that doesn't want me and not connecting with people who want me. My female friends were trying to sort me through it and then there was people sobering up to drive us home and bands people missed. It was a mishmash of things.

Broken

A little more information about my life.

I live in a co-operative housing building. That basically means that when people move in they purchase shares and while theylive here own part of the building. We do all the management for the building and have committees of residents that organize and make all the decisions. I have lived here since I was two years old and my parents were on the committee that started the process of building the complex. I have lived in four suites in this building and hold it very close to my heart.

When I was 12 and 13 I phased out using my first name in favour of my second one. Hardly anyone calls me by my first name except occasionally my mom, one grandmother and some very distant family and friends I don't see or talk to often. It's kind of like I associate that name with a different person. It makes me feel uncomfortable and young and insecure.

So in my co-op a phone list of everyone is distributed with what committee everyone is one. This makes it easy to contact people when something is needed. We got the new one and basically my old name is on it and there's no phone number. I received a note the same day I got my form to update to call another meber to give them my numbers. SO I did that and consequently didn't fill in the form. No one attempted to call me.

Even more is that is says "Not participating". Now one thing we erally try to emphasise here is the understanding that not everyone can be on a committee and you can still be participating that way. But then the list really made me angry becasue it's like I've been back here for less than 8 weeks and my father just died. No, I'm not fucking participating but give me some bloody time and I will. I was on the board of the directors for two years before I left and was on a committee from the day I turned 18 and could be on one.

So I feel pissed off that I'm being treated like a delinquant member when I'm just stressed and disprganized and healing. These are the times when all the neighbours who have known me for a long time should be really understanding and try to help me out.

So then I went to the corner store and the guy who has owned the place since we moved here 21 years ago said I must be glad to be back considering all the things happening in London. I just said that I lived north of London. And I left and walked the block and a half home in tears. I never missed this place like I miss England.

I want to go back to my life that was just about school and everyone only knew my middle name and my Dad was alive. But I can't. And it just makes me feel awful and shattered. Everything about that phone list makes me want to curl up in bed and block out the world. I know I can't do that though, so I am going to craft and watch films and zone out into a place where my world has no troubles and is exactly how I want it complete with England, a mother who isn't like mine has been since I returned, people who love me, and assorted other things like that.

Feeling Single

I was surrounded by couples or at least people who were coupled all night. I met a few new people, laughed way to much with Chatton (vejeege is so short for vagina and cooler than vag), and drank myself to a happy but not incapacitating state. I had fun but now I feel alone.

I was sitting on a tiny sofa with Chatton, leaning on her, our legs intertwined. I said to her that I was the only non-coupled one there. SHe said two other girls weren't coupled. But then said oh, right, because they were their others were just not there, either at their homes and sleeping or on their way home. Then she said that it was unfortunate. I'm not sure exactly what that meant if I were to read into it but unfortunate was the exact word used.

And then I was thinking about C becauseChatton asked how the night ended at Claires and if I taked to him. I explained but then said the evening just kind of ended and Nothing happened and I hadn't seem him since. SHe then said something to the effect of "so there just wasn't anything there" and I said that wasn't necessarily true but then didn't know what to say. I thought about saying that I just didn't think he had enough energy and craziness for me but then said that I'd think up something to make it seems like I don't want it. She didn't quite get it, mostly because of all the alcohol, but it was a very true thing for me.

On the other hand I received an amazing but all too short call from Midge today as I was about to leave the house. Then I texted her and received and weird/half cut-off text back and then felt giddy. Like the fantasy of her hands and lips and pussy have become something else. And I'm not sure if it's partly because of the seeming impossibility or what. And tonight I wanted to tell some one. I wanted input and I just couldn't tell anyone. I just couldn't.

So now I'm naked lying on top of my bed and waiting for the cat to come in. I might make pancakes for Titania in the morning if I'm up early enough. I think when it comes down to it, I just want excitement. I want to be excited about school, work, friends, boys. I want to wake up everyday knowing that anything can happen. I want someone beside me who understands that and wants to see it too.

And, though off-topic it may seem, I may not have the best body right now, but I am hot. I got tons of compliments tonight. My hair, dress, mood. I was in this place where things clicked and I was happy and comfortable. I want to be there more. I want to be there forever. And I know it's totally possible. And one day I will meet a guy who kind of gets me and wants me, at least for a while. I know it won't make everything good but it will help. And it has to be out there I know, I'm just concerned and starting to become confused.

What is the (my?) problem? Why isn't this part of my life existant? It's not even a question of why it's bad? why does it not exist at all?