Confusion

1. I called him my boyfriend today, but it was to a stranger. I wasn't willing to call him that when talking to my sister.

2. Miranda and her man are hosting a few people at her house tomorrow night. Orange is invited but so is the Filmmaker. I haven't told filmmaker he's invited and Orange isn't sure if he wants to come.

3. I want to play scattergories.

4. My foot is asleep.

5. Tonight, I got the dinner I've been craving for nearly two weeks. My actual appetite is lacking though.

6. My cat is upset about something.

7. My nieces mom died. She's not my sister and she's not been around for years. My mom and baldie (my step dad) have custody of my niece. It's more of a loss of hope than a loss of a person right now. It's strange.

8. Something feels not right this evening. I'm not sure what though.

9. There's things I'm wanting to tell someone about filmmaker but that wouldn't be nice at all. They aren't bad things, bjust his personal things.

10. I really want some coke zero.

Speeding

I just kind of realized last night that in a about a week I've gone from questioning this relationship and it's potential to standing right in the middle of it. Some fear has crept back in I think.

While at Mirandas I texted him to see if he wanted to get together later in the evening. He ended up coming to pick me up and spent some time there meeting them. We then did a video store run and went back to his place. It was nearly midnight by this time. We watched the movie we rented the whole way through with no distractions.

The next few hours was basically see how close we could come to having sex, without actually having it and talking a lot about sex to keep ourselves aware of the fact that we weren't actually going to be having it. It was a bit frustrating but in the end we seem to be quite sexually compatible. We both fell alseep having had more than one orgasm and discovered many similar preferences.

A few things of note:
1.He is ok with me not using the boyfriend/girlfriend label, but for him, having sex pretty much means I have to. I think I'm ok with that and I have some time before it happens.
2.He snores, loudly. Loudly enough that I have problems sleeping through it. This is not something I've ever had to even consider before and I don't really know what if anything I should do.
3. Any reservations I thought I may have had about my body are completely non existant. It's a strange thing.
4. I have nearly nothing to compare it to but I have zero complaints about the size of his cock. Only excitement.
5. My head wants to spend tonight alone, but my body does not.

Rolling Over

I'm going over to Mirandas in just a little while to talk and watch movies. I feel energized and excited. There's still a few things about him I'm not thrilled by but no one's perfect and they're all pretty silly things.

I love Snow Partols "Eyes Open" album so much right now.

Continuing, it makes me want to buy more cute matching underware sets and I made an appointment with my doctor about birth control (the side benefit here is that it might help with the cramps). Pregnancy concerns me and it's pretty much the only way I'll have sex.

My cat is eating her favorite kind of scone (blueberry). She's odd.

We were talking about friendships at one point because I always mention mine but he never mentions his (that concerns me). I mentioned Orange being my gay boyfriend. He said now I have a gay one and a straight one. My immediate response was "I do?" He said that if I wanted to I did. I said I wasn't ready for that leap yet. It's a big change in mentallity for me and I'm just not there yet. He was totally fine with it. He was pretty much totally fine with everything. And once I was there and we discussed my staying over I pretty much said whatever I wanted. Sometimes ittook me a while to get the actal words out but I did.

I actually want to gush. This is good and I am smiley. Must go get dressed and head to Mirandas. I have a comic to read on the bus. me. comics. penis touching. it's all a little strange.

I figured I'd post early. I'm already at work because someone has the day off and I get to cover their shift. A full 8 hours.

But what about last night you ask? We'll I haven't been hom since he picked me up last night. Half of me wants to spill everything and half of me wants to keep it all to myself. I should probably do something in between those two. First, we didn't have sex. Second, I do know a lot more about him now.

ah, my boss is here. more later.

New thought

I don't trsut things that the filmmaker says sometimes. They are very specific things though. Like when he remarks on something we have in common I feel like it's not sincere or that he's exaggerating to make me like him. He's given me nothing to think that. It's completely in my head. Even more, I feel like having certain things in common with other people (ie. The Filmmaker), makes me less unique. less special. yuck. Shouldn't I feel like I've found something great in someone else?

Yet another thing to work on. This is certainly a huge learning process.

Ok, I'm going to go watch the end of Tyra and have a snack. then I must start to get ready.

Edited to add at 17:35: How can I have over 20 purses and not have a small black one?

edited for title

What I don't like about using google to post is that it doesn't use my titles even though I've told it to. It does have spellcheck that works though.

The Filmmaker and I have been texting a bit all morning. Basically, last night I found out that a girl I know on Livejournal only is friends with one of his really good friends (they have a production company with some others). So I told him and his response was not to read his journal. I'm slightly curious now but won't go looking for it. He can go look at mine as much as he wants bt if he was to find this one I'd been quite distressed.

What else? I'm still feeling a bit sick today but much better than yesterday. I'm hoping as the day progresses it'll get even better. I'm trying to do this whole relaxed and fun thing tonight but if it hurts to move that'll be hard. I should have worn my yoga pants today. Oh, my boss said I'm never allowed to leave the company. Flattering but something else kind of worrisome too.

Sleepy Day

I slept a lot today and I'm still tired. I'm having major cramps but also my mind is full of wanting to have sex. It's a frustrating combination in so many ways.

I'm back to being excited about seeing the Filmmaker. I have a super cute outfit planned (I've even thought about what's going to be underneath it) and will be straightening my hair and shaving my legs. Not like I expect anything to happen but I have been thinking about it. Thinking about it in a lot of ways.

I actually remeber a dream from while I was napping today. He came over to bring me food and keep me company. But I wanted him to tell me what we were doing tomorrow but he wouldn't tell me and wanted it to be a surprise. I tried to get him to spill by kissing and touching and those other good things I'm hesitant about doing in real life. It didn't work though, he kept silent. He was also wearing the most hideous and ridiculous pants ever. Clearly I'm still not completely open.

But all this thinking about sex has happened in his absence. This means that it's not entirely real. I also need several things to happen before I'll actually have sex. On the otherhand, I know there's a lot between what we've done and having sex. I want this to happen slowly. I have to stay focused on the current situation and not let my mind run away from me.

Orange said that maybe the connection between my head and heart were broken. He suggested using my vagina a little bit more. Or something liek that. It was over a week ago. While I do think he's at least a little bit right, I'm not really sure how to go about using my vag to affect my actions.

But I'm in a decent mood about it all. I do feel much better than yesterday even though I'm now physically sick. That will be better tomorrow though. And I'll be at work tomorrow. There's lots to do there that will keep from from thinking about my life all day. I do wish I knew more about what was going on tomorrow night. I don't though so I am goiing to focus on staying relaxed, present and open.

Worries

I'm worried about money. I found out that I won't be getting the money I ususally get on the 26th of the month until the 5th. This means I don't have the money to pay my rent. It's stressful. I'm also owing money on all my bills. I was hoping i could catch up in february but I don't think I'm going to working anymore than I am now at HK Inc. so I'm going to have to get another job.

Right now I feel restless and it's not good. I only have a month of school left and I don't know what to do after that. I don't feel confident with what I have portfolio wise right now to go after photography jobs. I know that I can't let that stop me because doing work is the only way to build my portfolio. And then I start thinking again about applying to MAC. I just don't really know right now. I have to do something.

I was sad today I wasn't getting ready for visiting England. I was in the Bay (I had a gift card) and was looking for Bras on sale but there was nothing nice in my size. It just made me think about Marks and Specers and how they have so much awesome stuff in larger sizes. And no H&M here either. And no Lily or anything like that.

So I'm just wandering around my flat feeling lost. There's no food here I want to eat but I can't really afford to ordar something either. I feel like I need to be away from here. Or at least after school is done. But there's no where I can afford to go and somehow everything in my life is theoretically on track.

I want someone/something to rescue me. But that's lazy and spoiled. That's me being used to everything working out. Shouldn't this make me happy? Be reassuring? This is useless. I'm not continuing this line of thought.

I am no longer excited about the Filmmaker. distance maybe? I'm scared in some ways but I know that it's thinking that will be self-fulfilling if I keep it up. Maybe I'm not this person I think I am/could be. I just don't know right now. I'm bored and lonely. That's what I know.

Aftermath

I'm not doing so well today. I feel lonely, isolated, disconnected. My make up is gorgeous though. I am just going to stay huddled and warm on my couch and hope I feel better tomorrow. I'm also feeling sorely unsatisfied and let down by the whole Chirstmas things and don't know how unrealistic that it. And I feel spoiled and ungreatful and that sucks.

A new look

I changed some things. Mostly just the colour scheme.

I am pretty much ready for tomorrow and monday. I still have to pack my overnight bag but that'll happen tomorrow before I leave. I also need to do dishes and take out the garbage before I leave so it's not all just sitting here for two days.

I'm definately getting my period in the next day or two, which sucks because I'll be in siginificant pain one of those days. I just can't forget to bring my painkillers. I wonder if my mom bought me a bottle of wine for tomorrow night? Are those two connected? Today the symptom was teariness. Wanting sex, back pain, and needing to cry all combine to be my indicator.

The Filmmaker and Orange are both out of town until Wednesday. Orange and I must work on some sort of plan for new years. I should see if anyone else I know is in need for plans still. As for the FIlmmaker, I'm kind of excited (oh my!) about Thursday. It feels kind of full of possibilites and I keep running scenarios through my head. It's leading me in all sorts of directions because he's planning the night and I don't know at all what those plans are.

Last night I ended up sleeping on the couch all night. I hope that doesn't happen again tonight and I'm thinking of maybe taking a tylenol or two (my doctor said this was ok) if the pain is bad again. I really want to sleep well and be super energized. I have big make-up plans for tomorrow. I'm also going to wear my demin mini skirt, with tights, because I feel awesome in it. I'm prepared for my mom to comment on it's inapprpriateness. 'Tis the season I guess.

I'm going to leave and watch Wuthering Heights now. I have no idea when I'll most next so Merry Christmas everyone!!!