Sleepy Day

I slept a lot today and I'm still tired. I'm having major cramps but also my mind is full of wanting to have sex. It's a frustrating combination in so many ways.

I'm back to being excited about seeing the Filmmaker. I have a super cute outfit planned (I've even thought about what's going to be underneath it) and will be straightening my hair and shaving my legs. Not like I expect anything to happen but I have been thinking about it. Thinking about it in a lot of ways.

I actually remeber a dream from while I was napping today. He came over to bring me food and keep me company. But I wanted him to tell me what we were doing tomorrow but he wouldn't tell me and wanted it to be a surprise. I tried to get him to spill by kissing and touching and those other good things I'm hesitant about doing in real life. It didn't work though, he kept silent. He was also wearing the most hideous and ridiculous pants ever. Clearly I'm still not completely open.

But all this thinking about sex has happened in his absence. This means that it's not entirely real. I also need several things to happen before I'll actually have sex. On the otherhand, I know there's a lot between what we've done and having sex. I want this to happen slowly. I have to stay focused on the current situation and not let my mind run away from me.

Orange said that maybe the connection between my head and heart were broken. He suggested using my vagina a little bit more. Or something liek that. It was over a week ago. While I do think he's at least a little bit right, I'm not really sure how to go about using my vag to affect my actions.

But I'm in a decent mood about it all. I do feel much better than yesterday even though I'm now physically sick. That will be better tomorrow though. And I'll be at work tomorrow. There's lots to do there that will keep from from thinking about my life all day. I do wish I knew more about what was going on tomorrow night. I don't though so I am goiing to focus on staying relaxed, present and open.