Saturday Night

1. I have not finished my moms gifts.

2. I downloaded the new Hawksley Workman album and LOVE at least 3 songs on first listen.

3. I bought a new purse, a new bra and 12 pairs of underwear today.

4. I am now sorting my underwear drawer to make room for the new ones.

5. I have a sublist of things I want to ask/tell CRB:

a. Do you know that once your mom asked me if I'd marry you? She said I was a good influence.

b. I know you think that we would have been together for a few years at least if we have actually gotten together at 12 years old. Do you still really think that now?

c. I want to be happier and more relaxed and more outgoing, but I'm terrified of it.

d. Do you think that if you met me for the first time we would even have started talking to each other? Does that matter to you?

pause

Today I went to the gym and it was way harder than normal. We figured out I was pretty dehydrated and I had to actually sit down twice to kind of regain my focus. I know I haven't been drinking much water and my diet hasn't been as good, but I didn't expect that at all.

It was a short day at work and had a hint of getting some money but then it hasn't arrived in my bank account yet. I had these fun ideas of getting some super cute bra and underwear sets but that was not realized. I'm way more boring and depressed when I'm broke.

I also have 2 huge crafts to finish for my mom by Sunday for her birthday but I'm totally procrastinating. I'm feeling a bit tired or something. As I typed that I yawned. I have to stay up and finish some laundry though. oh, and I meant to se if anything interesting was going on around town on Monday for a date.

That's all I've got.

Shrinking

One of my favorite skirts was always just on the small side. Today I wore it and it's too big. It's half exciting and half sad. I love this skirt, but it is too long and kind of frumpy now.

Last night I was awoke by a phone call just after midnight. CRB (is this still an appropriate name?) had a rough day and just wanted to hear my voice. He felt bad for waking me up and we only talked for a few minutes. Then we started text messaging and it continued until a bit after 3:30 am. A text every 15 or 20 minutes. I would sleep in between them.

It was pretty much all about sex but I feel I can't share it. We were talking on Tuesday about how "of course I tell my friends about you and some of our conversations" but he said he didn't at all, and was kind of shocked that I did. I guess it's safe to say that he wants to fuck me. That's nearly a direct quote. but he also may have sort of revealed a bit of insecurity about if I'm really interested in that way.

When I think about it I totally am. However, it's not going to be just as simple as fucking when we get some time alone. We've not even kissed yet. (But he wanted to the other night, but wasn't sure if it'd be ok with me. I told him I'm pretty sure it would have been.) I don't think we're going to have a chance to see each other again before Monday so for now hopefully just thinking about it will make me more relaxed about actually doing it.

To an extent I feel like things are in limbo right now so if I said I wanted to back off and not go in this dating direction now he would probably be ok, and we could be friends again every few months/years. But I think if we go head and start kissing and having sex then it's decided. We won't go back to friends. The "what if" factor will be gone and there'll be no reason to stay in touch. That would make me sad.

ok, he's texting me now, so I'm going to get into bed and start trying to sleep. If he's still texting by 12:00 I'm going to cut him off because I need to go to the gym in the morning. I need to get my focus back there, and not on the boy.

(oh, but first, I wonder if there'll be valentines stuff? Like I expect nothing because it's still early but it might be fun to go on a nice date. I don't know if he's the type who would do flowers or anything like that. I would totally fuck him if he did though. As long as they were a good exciting flower choice. I'm totally kidding about that. really.)

Transforming

So Midge thinks I'm undergoing a transformation. The tattoo, new drastic hair colour, dating again. I don't know if she had reasons other than that.

I think we're kind of officially dating. We've been talking every day. Some serious, some joking, some suggestive. We went out last night. He bought me dinner and then we headed down to the beach. We walked and sat on a bench and talked for at least a good hour. It was really cold though or I'm sure we would have stayed later.

We laughed and asked questions. Looked at stars and clouds. And touched. No kissing but lots of slightly more than friendly touching as we were figuring out boundaries. It was comfortable. He walked me to the skytrain after midnight. We said goodbye, and hugged. He kissed me on the cheek as he has been doing. It feels good and doesn't leave me feeling like an idiot for not actually kissing him. And the more I talk to and see him the more I actually do want to kiss him.

And my sex drive has ramped right back up. Completely. Which makes me feel great even though I think sex is still well off in the distance. While I know he would be more than happy to just sleep with me, but he's very concerned that I think that's the only reason he's interested. To the point that he didn't come and see me when I was drunk on Sunday night and wanted company.

I think that's it for now. Only other stuff is that I'm trying to make more money at work but it is very hard and my going to the gym is payng off in that my shirts/dresses fit way better but my pants are all too big. Maybe that's another part of the transformation.

first date?

All these question marks in post titles shoudl tell you something.

Yesterday was supposed to be my day off. Instead I spent from 8 am to 3:30 between my two jobs. I wondered if I have made the right decision about my career, needing to love it, needing it to be creating, and having those things at the expense of money. I was stressed. The I was a half hour late for my doctors appointment but she saw me anyways.

I also talked to midge a bit in the morning. I also realized that I didn't bring a shirt to wear at the gym so I had to buy one as I had a personal training appointment at 6:30. After my apoointment was over, I showered and got pretty because I was going to be meeting CRB.

We ended up going for drinks (which he payed completely for)and talking. After about 3 hours I was exhausted because it was way past my bed time and it had been a crazy day so I was just tired. And he could tell. I was also kind of drunk. I think he could also tell that.

So I guess the bottom line is that he really likes me still. He is recently broken up with his girlfriend, and they were living together so there's that situation still on going. I have no problems with exes usually, but ones that guys are still living with is a problem.

We talked a lot about our past and why things may not have ever happened at many points over the years. We also acknowledges that we weren't sure if we were meeting just to catch up, for a date, or to sleep together. Well there was no actual mention of sleeping together, but the suggestion was there and the touching preliminaries also were.

Today he asked if we could see each other but I am busy and we're both busy friday and saturday. He made it really clear he wants to see me again and soon. and for dating. seriously. it's strange. and I'm hesitant on so many levels, but no more hesitant than I would be with someone who I didn't have this huge history with.

I just don't want to end up in a relationship that I was never really fully committed to and then have to end it and have disasterous results.

When we were 12 I had no idea that he liked me nearly as much as he did. And he always felt he had lost and missed out on something major with me. That's strange to hear.

insanity prevails

completely unrelated to the happenings with CRB, which are basically at a halt until he decides he has time for me, I had a fun if painful day.

My boss gave me the day off, but I had to open and close the spa with a receptionist who used to work there and is now back. Just go over things with her and be the one with the keys. During the day I was free, but needed to be around the spa in case I was needed.

After opening I went to the gym. Did a bit over an hour of cardio, weights and stretching. All the while blasting my ipod shuffle (who knew Tegan and sara were so awesome for the gym?) and deciding how I was going to spend my day. The thought of getting a tattoo came to mind but I wasn't sure if I had the extra money.

After the gym I showered and went back to work. I found the inspiration image for the tattoo I wanted, check my bank accounts, worked out the pay cheques I'd be getting this week and decided I could do it. I just needed to find an artist with time and skills.

So I took a walk with the printed image and found someone available whose work looked good, clean and bright. Then I went back to work, got a brazilian and wondered if it or the tattoo would be more painful. Turns out they were about even. After that I got a wrap for lunch, went to the bank, and then to the tattoo shop.

The tattoo artist ended up being totally awesome and made the piece exactly what I wanted and incorporated a bit of his own style into the colouring, something I totally appreciate. He was also great to talk to as things were going, and really liked doing the piece. I'll be getting a second piece to match by him when I get my tax return in march.

Then I went back to work, closed and have spend the evening watching tv and snacking. A pretty awesome day. Lots of things in my head other than this but a tattoo was the perfect distraction.

panic sets in

fuck fuck fuck. I just need to relax. It's very hard to tell the tone of what someone writes in a text message. This is why I am better off finding a way to accept being alone forever. there are so many possibilities and variables, I need to not think about anything until he reaches to me. I have to accept that things are not in my hands. I need to breathe deeply and not feel lonely and like my life is lacking intimacy. And I need to get it clear out of my head that he will ever solve those two things unless he actually does by repeated and concrete actions. Not by text message alone.

lonely?

A text message conversation I am going to go to bed without analyzing to death. My texts are by memory because my phone doesn't save my sent messages. I should change this.

Me: I had an inappropriate dream about you last night?
CRB: oooh do tell
me: just things we never actually did. at least with each other
CRB: Shame
me: really now?
crb: don't you think?
me: sometimes.
cbr: yea, me too
me: hmm
crb: hmm what?
me: nothing. It's been a long week.
crb: and you need to destress.
me: I don't know what I need anymore.
crb: huh?
me: (hesitating and not sending a message)
crb: well if there is anything I can do to help just let me know hun.
me: don't get me thinking.
crb: that's the point
me: really?
crb: wouldn't be saying it if I didn't mean it.
me: ok then
crb: ok then
crb: And at least that way you know you have options
me: more than I was realistically expecting
crb: and what did you expect?
me: honestly? to talk and find out we don't connect like we used to and then not talk again.
crb: and the next question. now what would you like?
me: big question
crb: yup...which is why I ask
me: I guess I never really know with you. maybe that's why I still do this.
me: I'm being honest. I have nothing to lose.
me: and when I do I always fuck it up anyways. (or something like this, I can't quite remember.)
crb: yea I tend to do that as well. just when things are going good too. And I as well have nothing to lose.
crb: And what is it you want?
me: to talk? and that night you spent at my house but without the girlfriend that hates me. what do you want?
crb: well no need to worry about the girlfriend part. I don't have one. I'm happy with anything and everything.
me: well on that I am going to go to sleep. we'll talk in a few days?
crb: for sure. have a goodnight...and keep up the good dreams.
me: thanks but I can't promise anything.

I am alternating smiling and taking deep soothing breaths. But my room is clean minus vacuuming and hamster cage. Off to watch the rest of "An American Werewolf in London". Tomorrow is gym, work, and then evening with Zebra.

before bed

1. I am now a person who goes to the gym 4 or 5 times a week.

2. This blog needs a makeover.

3. I just want to be happy, it doesn't matter how.

4. A single voice can take you back in time.

5. I blame a crazy ex for my stress about being a girlfriend.

hopes

Tomorrow I am going to go to the location of my gym that is by my house. I've never been before but I'm not wanting to go downtown tomorrow. It's my day off and I'm going to behave like it is.

I know they have a steam room and I am really hoping it is not co-ed because I currently have no bathing suit. I want to be able to go inside it all sore and sweaty in just a towel and relax. Just close my eyes and dream about something.

Texting CRB gave the results I truthfully expected. Small messages ensuring we are still friends, but nothing to say he actually misses me or wants to see me. I know this is what I should have been expecting. I know if I got more, I would have realized that it wasn't what I wanted at all.

I'm keeping secrets. hamsters, work, money, love. I just don't know how to fix things. I'm clinging to what makes me happy. And trying to think about how to get rid of the secrets without actually revealing them.