Appropriate Reaction

My flight went well and after I saw my om and sister and complained about how dirty and tired and ill I felt after not sleepin in nearly 30 hours and still wearing the same clothes it happened. My mom told me something I possibly suspected: My father had died that afternoon.

I'm doing well considering the emotions from that, leaving England without says goodbye to anyone expect Lily and arriving home. I think some people seem to be worried I'm underreating and a bit too stable for everything but I have my reasons. I have talked them out with a few different friends (Midge, Titania and Chatton) and they all think that I'm ok so far.

I haven't decided yet whether I am going to talk about it much, or even more than just this, here. I could use the space to openly vent and get some stuff out but I guess it's still really new and extremely surreal. Plus it's feels a litle distant from my original subject matter intended here. But, again, so does a lot, which really means this is just for everything and who cares about my original intentions.

Actually I likely will write about it here, now that I have done this post. Another day though. I am going to go watch the American Idol season finale and read transcripts until I am alseep. CSI episodes are downloading and my internet is so much faster here.

Tomorrow at 9:30 my wonderful and amazing sister is picking me up to go make arrangements at the crematorium. I might brush my hair and wear make-up for the first time since Sunday. Oh, and please don't feel obligated to comment or send "condolences" or apologize (which really make very little sense unless you are a disease). Maybe just tell me you're reading. In a way that would make me feel warm and fuzzy in a way other things can not.

Last minute

My mom called around midnight and my dad is getting worse. Lily and Scotsman came over to help me pack becasue I booked a flight for today. I leave i n two hours for Gatwick and will be in Vancouver by 9:00 pm on Monday (Today). Lily is still here and is coming to the airport with me.

So far we have snacked, walked around town at 5:00 am and now we have coloured my hair. We have not slept. I sent an email to all myfriends, Brit and Canadian, letting them know what was going on. I haven't been able to say goodbye to anyone other than scotsman but Lily sent a bunch of people texts to meet us at the bus station. We'll see if anone shows. It's early in the morning and it's a holiday.

My next post will be from Vancouver and I'm sure I'll have tons to say. either that or I'll be really ovewhelmed and not know what to say. Or a combination of both I guess. That might be the most likely option.

Insecurities

I'm having a crap few hours. here's what I just wrote to Lily:

I'm up and down. having issues packing...I keep looking at everything and just feel overwhelmed...I think I'm just feeling overwhelmed in general... I've got a to-do list but it's lots of smaller things and some are optional. and packing. And I want to see everyone before I go but I'm just not really good company and it kind of sucks.

I think the overwhelmed feeling is making me feel bad and I've spent a bunch of time alone the last two days. I'm having a feeling I get when I'm depressed that's a feelling that is very distant. Kind of outside of myself and not really connected to the world. I just want everything to be packed and to not need to worry about baggage limits and customs.

I have got a lot done. Well things are all sorted and on the floor by nothings actually in the suitcases. All my banking/important stuff is taken care of. I do have to book my train ticket to Manchester but I have to switch trains there in 10 minutes and I'm converned I'll miss the train so I want to go buy the ticket in person to see what happens if I miss the train to the airport.

I'm going to try to pack a bit or do some more sorting. I just ate a lot of ice cream and I feel like shit in so many ways.

Possesions

I was in the shower this monring and realized I haven't wanked in almost a week. I know it would make me relax but my head is so busy that I just can't get relaxed enough. Plus, I'm at a low point in my "wanting sex" cycle so my body doesn't really care. That said, if I had someone around, I'm sure I'd be very easily encouraged/stimulated and my mind wanting it would override my body in a very quick second.

I went into town this morning and after some initial problems with finding the recent issue of Scarlet (see the links in side bar), getting money out of my canadian account and not finding the knickers in the size, style or colour I wanted, things setteled a bit.

So leaving M&S I ended up with two new bras and 6 chocolate bars. One for the plane and the rest for home. I might eat like half of one every week just to make then last a bit. I also got some things I needed to keep stuff from being damaged in my suitcases and a new suitcase to hold all the stuff I've acquired. As for the pictures of the bras I'm taking the pics from the M&S website. First, theose womean and much more photogenic than me and bra's that are my size do not photograph well because there's a lot of fabric and without breasts it doesn't hold any shape.

I think I'm going to try to be packed by tomorrow night except for a small amount of things that I'll need until I leave which will all fit in one part of one bag. Otherwise I'm working on eating all the food I've got. I'll leave some things but all the good stuff (veggies, pasta, icecream, veggie dogs, strawberries) I actually want to eat.

This bra is actually white with purple stripes and trim and small pink flowers:


This photo is in black and white but the bra is black mesh with pink ribbon:

5 more days

Well I have started to sort things for packing, I have a formal list of things to do with varying levels of importance, I have thrown a lot of stuff away and have a big pile of things Lily can adopt. I'm going to go into town tomorrow and hope M&S and Wilkinsons are both open even though it's Sunday and a bank holidat weekend.

I'm feeling ok but want to go out and do things with people in the next few days. I did go for Lunch today with Victoria and a few others which was good but I am still feeling a bit alone. I know Lily and I are shopping and packing and stuff on Tuesday but I have a few more people I'd like to see than just her. I'm thinking of doing a wagamamas dinner on Wednesday maybe followed by drinks at the fav place. Something small but happy.

I've had several fake conversations with classclown today and just kind of feeling like another chance passed me by. Although, that's assuming he was interested. I mean being sweet and being interested are differnt things. But then. none of it matters as I will not see him again. We'll probably chat once I'm home but this as the result is very anti-climatic. Well I really wasn't expecting anything other than that, but some hopw was lingering.

I'm going to go back to reading transcripts as a means of exhausting myself. I'm not wanting to keep taking sleeping pills so I'm just staying up until I can't anymore and then waking up around 9:00. That way I am getting sleep but am tired so that it's easier to get to sleep. Not a great system but it'll do for now.

One thing that's got me a bit worried tonight is that I have started making a list of everything I have bought here that's not a gift because I need to declare them at customs when entering Canada. I have a max of $750.00 canadian that they will not charge me duty on. SO far I've listed everything but clothes, purses and a few odds and ends but my total is already over $1000.00. I'm sure the final numbers will be closer to 750.00 pounds! So the challenge is to decide what I can not declare so I don't have to pay extra taxes. I mean it's silly because I paid takes in the UK on everything and I've been here a whole year.

I'm hoping to buy my other suitcase tomorrow so you might get some irritation and swearing because I can't fit half my stuff in all the luggage I have.

Oh, does anyone know if charter flights (air transat) serves food? There's nothing about it in my booking info and if not I need to bring some as the flight's 8 hours.

My Women

1. Midge: The secret friend. I talk with her alot. I talk about her a lot. She will rejoin me in Vancouver in the fall.

2. Titania: The flatmate. I wish she was having more fun in her life. I am excited to share space with her again.

3. Olive: The co-worker. We gossip and shop and share money woes.

4. Miranda: The old friend, We talked on the phone today for the first time in months. It was nice and she is excited to have me home. We haven't been close recently but that doesn't really matter becasue of the history.

5. Chatton: The buddy friend. We feel each others breats. We drink together. We made a small comany last year we have disbanded. I don't really approve of her boyfriend but such is life.

The Process

I am eating real food for the first time today. I just sent out an email telling everyone what my new departure date is (Friday, 02) and I need to seriously start packing. The doctor said I'm only allowed to take my meds two - three days a week do avoid withdrawl and because I'm taking them that much drinking is an extra big no go. I've got a few last things I need to get done but just hope to see people and finish things up.

It's really sad. I love here and I am going to miss it immensely. but I've got thigns to do and unfortunately getting laid by a brit is so far down the list. Although Midge did suggest that I ask classclown to come back before I leave but I am not going to. Unrelated, I took a nice walk around campus with Paul today which distracted me for a bit. I also got free lipstick and new shoes.

I think I'm going to prepare some parcels tonight and craft a bit then try to slep early. Tomorrow me and Victoria are going to go hang out in Beeston a bit, maybe have a good traditional English breakfast.

It won't stop

We have to leave so Blondie can catch her train and I'm a total mess of tears and left over sedatives. My mom and sister offered me a solution that is so awful and I know they're just trying to help but it's just fucking awful. It requires leaving within 4 days and then flying back to London towards the end of June and still using my old return flight home. It sounds really nice but none of my friends here will be in London and I'll be far from everyone and it'll be awful.

I just want to enjoy a week here and then go home.

And there was another gross bug in the kitchen and I look like a mess and I have to figure out how to make myself not look disastrous.

Ups and Downs

Things have gone from crap to lots of crap to more crap than I thought would happen.

I got a call from my sister and my Dad's condition is really serious and chances are really high that he'll be getting a transplant soon and if things don't start getting better at least a bit a lung transplant is unavoidable. The posibility that a ventilator will need to replace the 24-hour oxygen is possible. Even if things start to get better he's in the hospital for at least a month more. So with all of that, I am going to go home early.

That is if I can find a flight. I called my travel agent and basically there's nothing that can get me over the atlantic any earlier than the 29th and it'll cost over 1300.00 USD. Plus, because my Dad's condition was diagnosed before my flight was booked it's very possible my flight insurance won't cover any costs. I also might just have to book a whole new one way flight and hope for the best with the insurance company.

And I was telling my mom and she asked if I was irritated with her and I'm just frustrated with everything. Then she asked if I wanted to come home and of course I don't under these circumstances. This whole situation sucks and there is no way I'll be happy about it no matter what happens really. Plus, of course I'm going to be frustrated when she takes me being in a crap mood personally. This is stressful and shitty and all my family is really fucking far away and I hate every moment of everything where I know this is my reality. I want to come home to see my Dad but I don't have to be happy about or not feel like it sucks for my last few weeks here to be like this.

I've only told a few people and no one knows what to say because what is there to say and I'm trying to keep my spirits up because being sad isn't any good but that requires a bit of denial and disconnection with the whole thing. And I can be sad I don't get a last trip to London. I can be sad that I won't see Manchester. I can be sad about not getting to do things here while still wanting to get home. This isn't simple and nothing is clear and obvious. It's all frustrating and blurry and fucked. Totally fucking awful.

I talked on the phone to Titania. Her Dad died about 4 years ago after fighting cancer for a long time. I wanted to make sure she knew what was going on becasue I was pretty sure that it would be hard for her because it would bring up a lot of feelings. We talked but we also laughed and talked about stuff I would buy her at H&M. It'll be good to see her.

I didn't get to see classclown before he left. Lily said I should totally try to steal him from his girlfriend but it'll very likely not happen now. But we did talk today. It made me feel good because he is wonderfully sweet and stuff.


Celia: I saw (the girl who works at saisnburys you always flirt with) today
Classclown: (surprised face)
Classclown:  ur so lucky
Classclown:  did u talk to her?
Celia: yes, I went to her till. just for you really
Celia: but I didn't say anything about you
Classclown:  i'm so jealous
Celia:maybe you'll see her in the fall
Classclown:  'in the fall'
Classclown:  haha u silly canadian!
Classclown:  it's the 'autumn' over here u know
Celia: sorry. I do say supermarket now though
Celia: do you know when you're planning on coming back down here?
Classclown:  erm not really why?
Celia: no worries. Somethings happened at home and I'm leaving much earlier than I thought. not an issue really
Classclown:   u wanna talk about it?
Celia: not too much because I'll end up crying but my dad's in the hospital and might be getting a lung transplant.
Classclown:  oh shit im really sorry
Classclown:  i bet you've heard that a lot recently tho
Celia: ya. I haven't told many people here but I just found out on tuesday
Classclown:   hmm dont really know what to say, seeing (the girl from Sainsbury's) must have cheered u up tho
Celia: it did. and I'm actually ok right now, I'm just overwhelmed.
Classclown:  well i'm glad ur ok
Classclown: so when do you think you'll be leaving?
Celia: I just want to enjoy the last bit of time here.
Celia: before the 15th I think. well there's actually no flights available so I don't know. I've been on the phone with my travel agent much of the day
Classclown:  oh well i might be back before that
Classclown: do you have a mobile?
Celia: no, but I've got the phone here in my room
classclown:  what number is it?
Celia: (he got it but of course you people aren't going to)
Classclown: ok got it
Classclown:  sorry i have to go
Celia: no worries. it was good just having another person to talk to
Classclown:  i'll call u tho if and when im back and if not i'll email u
Celia: cool
Classclown:  tho no doubt we'll talk on here
Classclown:  sorry to leave like this but my dad needs the comp
Celia: don't worry at all.
Classclown:  thinking of u xxx
Celia: have a good weekend
Classclown:  u 2
Classclown:  byeeeeeeeeeeeee
Celia: thanks
Classclown: xx
Celia: bye!!

Management

Sorry I wasn't around yesterday. I've been needing to think about anything except my Dad but it's all I really have to reflect on but then I get freaked out and cry so I've not wanted to reflect. With Blondie in town I've been staying distracted and last night we went to the fav place for lots of drinks. Only Lily and scotsman stopped by, and later stripedcoat but that was all I really needed. We ended up not going dancing just because we were tired and sobered and I just needed to go home.

Today we are going to go shopping and tonight there's a gig I want to go to but right now I'm feeling pretty anti-social. We'll see how the day progresses.