Ups and Downs

Things have gone from crap to lots of crap to more crap than I thought would happen.

I got a call from my sister and my Dad's condition is really serious and chances are really high that he'll be getting a transplant soon and if things don't start getting better at least a bit a lung transplant is unavoidable. The posibility that a ventilator will need to replace the 24-hour oxygen is possible. Even if things start to get better he's in the hospital for at least a month more. So with all of that, I am going to go home early.

That is if I can find a flight. I called my travel agent and basically there's nothing that can get me over the atlantic any earlier than the 29th and it'll cost over 1300.00 USD. Plus, because my Dad's condition was diagnosed before my flight was booked it's very possible my flight insurance won't cover any costs. I also might just have to book a whole new one way flight and hope for the best with the insurance company.

And I was telling my mom and she asked if I was irritated with her and I'm just frustrated with everything. Then she asked if I wanted to come home and of course I don't under these circumstances. This whole situation sucks and there is no way I'll be happy about it no matter what happens really. Plus, of course I'm going to be frustrated when she takes me being in a crap mood personally. This is stressful and shitty and all my family is really fucking far away and I hate every moment of everything where I know this is my reality. I want to come home to see my Dad but I don't have to be happy about or not feel like it sucks for my last few weeks here to be like this.

I've only told a few people and no one knows what to say because what is there to say and I'm trying to keep my spirits up because being sad isn't any good but that requires a bit of denial and disconnection with the whole thing. And I can be sad I don't get a last trip to London. I can be sad that I won't see Manchester. I can be sad about not getting to do things here while still wanting to get home. This isn't simple and nothing is clear and obvious. It's all frustrating and blurry and fucked. Totally fucking awful.

I talked on the phone to Titania. Her Dad died about 4 years ago after fighting cancer for a long time. I wanted to make sure she knew what was going on becasue I was pretty sure that it would be hard for her because it would bring up a lot of feelings. We talked but we also laughed and talked about stuff I would buy her at H&M. It'll be good to see her.

I didn't get to see classclown before he left. Lily said I should totally try to steal him from his girlfriend but it'll very likely not happen now. But we did talk today. It made me feel good because he is wonderfully sweet and stuff.


Celia: I saw (the girl who works at saisnburys you always flirt with) today
Classclown: (surprised face)
Classclown:  ur so lucky
Classclown:  did u talk to her?
Celia: yes, I went to her till. just for you really
Celia: but I didn't say anything about you
Classclown:  i'm so jealous
Celia:maybe you'll see her in the fall
Classclown:  'in the fall'
Classclown:  haha u silly canadian!
Classclown:  it's the 'autumn' over here u know
Celia: sorry. I do say supermarket now though
Celia: do you know when you're planning on coming back down here?
Classclown:  erm not really why?
Celia: no worries. Somethings happened at home and I'm leaving much earlier than I thought. not an issue really
Classclown:   u wanna talk about it?
Celia: not too much because I'll end up crying but my dad's in the hospital and might be getting a lung transplant.
Classclown:  oh shit im really sorry
Classclown:  i bet you've heard that a lot recently tho
Celia: ya. I haven't told many people here but I just found out on tuesday
Classclown:   hmm dont really know what to say, seeing (the girl from Sainsbury's) must have cheered u up tho
Celia: it did. and I'm actually ok right now, I'm just overwhelmed.
Classclown:  well i'm glad ur ok
Classclown: so when do you think you'll be leaving?
Celia: I just want to enjoy the last bit of time here.
Celia: before the 15th I think. well there's actually no flights available so I don't know. I've been on the phone with my travel agent much of the day
Classclown:  oh well i might be back before that
Classclown: do you have a mobile?
Celia: no, but I've got the phone here in my room
classclown:  what number is it?
Celia: (he got it but of course you people aren't going to)
Classclown: ok got it
Classclown:  sorry i have to go
Celia: no worries. it was good just having another person to talk to
Classclown:  i'll call u tho if and when im back and if not i'll email u
Celia: cool
Classclown:  tho no doubt we'll talk on here
Classclown:  sorry to leave like this but my dad needs the comp
Celia: don't worry at all.
Classclown:  thinking of u xxx
Celia: have a good weekend
Classclown:  u 2
Classclown:  byeeeeeeeeeeeee
Celia: thanks
Classclown: xx
Celia: bye!!