Crazy makers

1. I am still so confused about work. I know I haven't really gone into it here, but it's a major problem.

2. I can't make outgoing phone calls because I haven't paid my phone bill in two months. Luckily I can still text though.

3. Even though I get two pay cheques on Friday I still can't afford to pay my phone bill.

4. My mind will not stop thinking about anything. everything. both things.

5. I'm getting weighed and measured in two weeks. It makes me want to do cardio every day and only eat protein shakes, salads and baked tofu.

6. I'm pre-menstrual which means I want to be chewing on something constantly. Especially good if it's something sweet.

7. Eating sweet things makes me want to eat salty things. The opposite is also true.

8. Being pre-menstrual also makes me want to fuck a lot. The vividness of this mornings dream is still with me.

9. I didn't do anything to clean my room today. And even made a bigger mess by setting my sewing machine up on the floor to hem pants.

10. I didn't craft today. I contemplated sewing but doing it on my floor is not good for my back.

11. Working with my trainer today was awesome and I'm really going to miss having her once I've used all my sessions.

12. I'm going to a big dinner/dance party next Friday with a load of people I don't know. I wish I had money to get some new clothes.

13. I'm also worried about going and getting drunk or feeling insecure, or not being outgoing enough, or bailing entirely and only staying for dinner.

14. I want to dance. I have all this energy and I don't know where it came from or where it's going to go.

15. I am not letting myself be sick. I am in refuse to really acknowledge that I might have a cold because I simply don't have time for one.

16. There's a concert next week I really want to go to but I can't for a host of frustrating reasons.

17. I want to spend a day hanging out and taking pictures and dancing and laughing and just being silly.

ok, I might be done now. Despite all of this I don't feel the least bit depressed or down or whatever. I am beyond energized and hope getting some of this out will make it easier to sleep. When really I want to go play on swings or something. And be loud. but fun loud.

Frustration continues

Last night I was dreaming about being out with CRB. We went to this weird cafe with a stage and were watching the opening act. It was kids and it was funny and slightly inappropriate, but awesome. They were wearing all blue and there were jokes about sheep and singing. And they kept laughing so everyone else was laughing.

Then I find myself waking up in the dream at the same cafe, but with a different band playing and I'm lying down in this balcony type area. I realize CRB isn't with me and I start to worry he's left. SO I grab my phone (a hybrid with my nintendo DS!) to see what time it is, if he's texted me but there's nothing.

Then I go into a back room, which is apparently my bedroom. I can hear someone breathing and it's him under the blankets, as if he's hiding. He's actually sleeping. I get in the bed and he notices and we start making out like crazy. Then he decides to go down on me (a first if this were real life).

Just as it's starting get really my alarm goes off. I wake up smiling but just as frustrated I was when I fell asleep. and I even had an orgasm before I fell asleep. My life is in need of a lot of solutions right now. some more serious than others, some more fun than others. I still need them.

sex sex and no sex

First, I want to replace my profile picture but I'm not sure what to replace it with. I'm sad my old one disappeared but it wouldn't have matched the new colour scheme anyways.

I was going to post some stuff from a chat with midge because I didn't want to re-write it, but I don't know how to copy and paste or something and I lost the chat.

Basically, I went to the gym after work, and then had a mocha protein shake so I'm super energetic. She suggested having several orgasms in a row until the energy was spent.

But I'm lazy. Like so not enthusiastic about masturbating. My sex drive and want for sex and an orgasm is high, but actually doing it myself? boring. I'd be more than happy doing it for someone else and having them doing it for me but that's not happening.

I also think this is an issue: I have a toy which is pretty similar to the one it replaced, but it's not quite the same and not as good. And I want the other one. But it's on the list of things I need $100.00 to do, and considering my list of things I need $20.00 to do isn't being fulfilled, the $100.00 list has a long wait.

Nothing else really to report. Actually, I didn't watch tv today and I did get a tiny bit of the stuff I needed done in my room done. But I did spend most of the night chatting and reading stuff online.

Time for some chocolate and the big warm lonely bed.

Picking Up

I got my phone back today. But if I don't pay my bill soon that might not actually matter. I also went back to the trade show and had some good conversations and felt more positive about things in general. I'm still unsure about my financial position though.

I also have to start being more productive. Like finishing craft projects, and keeping my room clean, and just not watching three hours a night on the internet and tv. I need a bit of an action plan for this. Both a list of craft priorities and some serious stragties.

What else tonight? I ate the most nutritionally void dinner, but the rest of my day was good so I'm not going to be that hard on myself. I also have plans to go to the gym tomorrow. I really need a new sports bra too - just a second one to throw into rotation.

And I am not getting sick. really.

Variations

1. I lost the key for my work. It made me feel awful and useless.

2. I left my cell phone at my sisters house tonight. I can't really do anything about it until the morning though.

3. I've thinking of making a huge life change. I'm still not 100% committed to it though and I'm not sure if it's a good decision. I don't trust my instincts these days.

4. It's depressing to not have either time or money. Shouldn't working a lot lead to having more money?

5. I'm still running the idea by a few people. Maybe I'm just looking for permission to be 26 and changing my mind.

6. I have these times where I feel great and self-confident and then it comes crashing down while having a drink at Earls.

7. I went to a spa tradeshow today and I wanted it to be lovely and inspring. It wasn't and I felt even more confused.

8. CRB left a sweater here. Last week I threw it into my closet. As I was looking for a purse I picked it up and smelled it. It made me feel warm for one tiny second.

9. I think I might be getting a cold. It's the stress though. My mind is tired. My heart is tired.

10. I laugh a lot when I'm out at my sisters. And I didn't cry today when we talked about my life. It was good.

pessimist math

70% dark chocolate + cold water + ativan = my attempts to erase this day and not let it continue any longer.

things I did...

in England that I don't do here (anymore, regularly, and/or with pleasure):

1. Go dancing
2. Go to movies
3. Go to live shows
4. Take pictures
5. Go on day trips


I'm going to try starting them. Seriously.

rough

Today I was sad and irritable and I only had one client at work. Which means I sat around all day and made hardly any money at all. I am feeling very sad tonight and really disappointed I didn't hear from CRB.

And I feel scared. Of a lot of things. Perhaps everything. That I won't be able to give myself what I really want when I do figure out what I want. That I'll never let myself be happy. That I'll never feel truly sucessful. That I'll disappoint those around me. That in 10 years I'll be in this exact same place.

But now I'm frustrated. I know that this does not have to be my life. But I also know I can't get back the life I want. I know that I have to start a new one. But I've said that before and I've tried that before. And look where I still am.

fuck fuck fuck. This is not going to be the fancy little pity party it sounds like.

Mixed Emotions

More drama over the weekend. I got super drunk for Zebras birthday on Friday. I don't really feel like re-capping it all. Then On Sunday night CRB came over and it sucked. Monday morning and last night turned into this "big discussion".

Where I thought there were no expectations and that things were naturally heading into a romantic direction I find that is not the case for CRB. He does not want to be dating anyone right now. He does however want to build a relationship with me that is open. This is where I got confused. And I don't feel like it all happened intentionally.

I guess the bottom line is he doesn't want to lose me from his life, he isn't in a position to be in a relationship, he's worried that I will either get too attached if we have sex, or that I will withdraw if we're just friends. That's what I got out of it at least. I'm not sure if a serious relationship is a possibility for the future anymore.

On my side, I'm fine with it all. Fucking or dating him was not at all the only thing I was after. I'm happy being friends. I guess I just can't have someone staying over at my house who is affectionate half the time and the exact opposite the rest. It's confusing to me. So I said no more sleeping over. Not that I don't want it or can't handle it but I think we're in a position where clear boundries are necessary.

And I think that's because we do have this past. I'm comfortable with him. That makes it really easy for me to slip into acting like we're in a relationship. Almost out of habit rather than sincere immediate want. Plus I want to fuck someone and having a warm body in my bed just doesn't help that. Especially when the comfort level is so high. It's confusing for my vag - not my head or heart.

And we both worry about the fragility of our relationship (this word is a huge source of confusion I think) and don't want something small to be misunderstood and end things again. But last night I was saying that I think it has these incredibly strong parts to it. And we need to focus on that and take comfort in them.

When we finished our phone call last night I quickly called back and said that I wanted him to know I was in a happy place these days. And not because I thought we were getting into a relationship or because of the idea of sex with him, but just because. I was enjoying spending time with him and I felt a sense of ease since having him back around.

He then told me he had told his ex that he was the happiest he'd been in months. He wanted me to know that too. And I don't think that we owe that just to each other. I think he's been reconnecting with his friends and what he likes about his life. And I think it's the same for me in some ways.

(This is really hard and makes me cry super quickly and with a huge feeling of loss.)

I've been going to movies and loving them. I'm having these moments of openness I relate really heavily to England. And that's hard. In the middle of them it's exciting, but when I reflect upon them later there's something really scary about it. And really sad. So this morning I think my sadness and my quietness is related to that.

A confusion about where my life is and the fear of not being upset or worried about about it. And it's money as always, and it's the fact that there is no boy excitement anymore. Trying to be hopeful when I'm not sure there's a reason for having that hope. In englaznd I had this odd belief that things were going to be great. Just because they were. Not becasue I had any past proof, just because my world was great.

Here I don't have that. I have this past full of confusion and worry and distress that makes believing things will be good just because they can be feel impossible.

This is all very disconnected. And not really about CRB at all. Although I think he brings somethng out in me that I'm not used to and I don't know if it has a place in my world here. I think it has a place in my world I'm just not sure it's this one even thoguh it's really the only one I have.

(ps. I'm ignoring all the stress I could be having about work and money because that's too much about my real material world, and right now I am completely overwhelmed by the state of my emotional being.)

24 hours

Yesterday I was hanging out with Zebra and CRb asked if I wanted to do something that night. I asked if he wanted to go out or my place and my place was the answer. I said I needed about 2 more hours with Zebra.

Later he texted me and told me he was on his way. An hour later no sign of him so I sent the first of two unanswered texts. An hour after that I tried calling. I wasn't sure what was going on (if he was coming or not) but I got no answer. Another 15 minutes after that I called again.

He answered and we had a conversation. He was still with his friend, and wasn't sure what was going on. I expressed my irritation on confusion. He apologized and showed stress about said friend and the frustration of not really having a home and the troubles with finding one. He also said something about the fragility of "us". I hung up saying I wasn't going to stay mad but I was disappointed and he owed me something very nice.

I slept with a sweater he left here. It smelled like him. I took deep breaths.

At work today I called him after my first client to see how the rest of his night went. I think I was secretly hoping for a bit more (sober) remorse. Just a small sentence even. Instead I got excitement about this place he might get and how he had fun and got really drunk with his friends the night before.

I hung up and felt stupid and ignored and unimportant. I don't expect to be his top priority but I was upset. I bought two magazines (Nylon and Lucky) and had two more clients. When I checked my messages after my clients he had called. I called him back and he asked if I wanted to do something with him. I was still upset and told him that I wasn't sure because I still wasn't impressed with his behaviour of the night before. I said I'd look and see what movies were playing and I'd call him back when I knew when I'd be done work.

I ended up saying yes to a movie (Jumper) and he met me at work with the perfect hot chocolate (half sweet, soy, no whip). I was a bit irritated the whole night and we talked a bit before the movies as we grabbed something small to eat. After the movie I knew he had plans so we sat down and talked a bit more.

We discussed: caring, differences, stress, priorites, compromises, life styles, attention.

We left with a kiss and walked in different directions. He told me to call him when I got home. I left feeling much better. Smiling even.

When I got home I called him. He wanted to come over and I said he still could. So he's just finishing his beer and coming over. I'm really hoping to not be disappointed again, and told him if I was then this thing we're trying was done for another three years, and in three years I wouldn't try again.

We'll see. I'm showered and moisturized and in black lace underwear and a black tank top. He'd be silly not to want to come over.