rough

Today I was sad and irritable and I only had one client at work. Which means I sat around all day and made hardly any money at all. I am feeling very sad tonight and really disappointed I didn't hear from CRB.

And I feel scared. Of a lot of things. Perhaps everything. That I won't be able to give myself what I really want when I do figure out what I want. That I'll never let myself be happy. That I'll never feel truly sucessful. That I'll disappoint those around me. That in 10 years I'll be in this exact same place.

But now I'm frustrated. I know that this does not have to be my life. But I also know I can't get back the life I want. I know that I have to start a new one. But I've said that before and I've tried that before. And look where I still am.

fuck fuck fuck. This is not going to be the fancy little pity party it sounds like.