Mixed Emotions

More drama over the weekend. I got super drunk for Zebras birthday on Friday. I don't really feel like re-capping it all. Then On Sunday night CRB came over and it sucked. Monday morning and last night turned into this "big discussion".

Where I thought there were no expectations and that things were naturally heading into a romantic direction I find that is not the case for CRB. He does not want to be dating anyone right now. He does however want to build a relationship with me that is open. This is where I got confused. And I don't feel like it all happened intentionally.

I guess the bottom line is he doesn't want to lose me from his life, he isn't in a position to be in a relationship, he's worried that I will either get too attached if we have sex, or that I will withdraw if we're just friends. That's what I got out of it at least. I'm not sure if a serious relationship is a possibility for the future anymore.

On my side, I'm fine with it all. Fucking or dating him was not at all the only thing I was after. I'm happy being friends. I guess I just can't have someone staying over at my house who is affectionate half the time and the exact opposite the rest. It's confusing to me. So I said no more sleeping over. Not that I don't want it or can't handle it but I think we're in a position where clear boundries are necessary.

And I think that's because we do have this past. I'm comfortable with him. That makes it really easy for me to slip into acting like we're in a relationship. Almost out of habit rather than sincere immediate want. Plus I want to fuck someone and having a warm body in my bed just doesn't help that. Especially when the comfort level is so high. It's confusing for my vag - not my head or heart.

And we both worry about the fragility of our relationship (this word is a huge source of confusion I think) and don't want something small to be misunderstood and end things again. But last night I was saying that I think it has these incredibly strong parts to it. And we need to focus on that and take comfort in them.

When we finished our phone call last night I quickly called back and said that I wanted him to know I was in a happy place these days. And not because I thought we were getting into a relationship or because of the idea of sex with him, but just because. I was enjoying spending time with him and I felt a sense of ease since having him back around.

He then told me he had told his ex that he was the happiest he'd been in months. He wanted me to know that too. And I don't think that we owe that just to each other. I think he's been reconnecting with his friends and what he likes about his life. And I think it's the same for me in some ways.

(This is really hard and makes me cry super quickly and with a huge feeling of loss.)

I've been going to movies and loving them. I'm having these moments of openness I relate really heavily to England. And that's hard. In the middle of them it's exciting, but when I reflect upon them later there's something really scary about it. And really sad. So this morning I think my sadness and my quietness is related to that.

A confusion about where my life is and the fear of not being upset or worried about about it. And it's money as always, and it's the fact that there is no boy excitement anymore. Trying to be hopeful when I'm not sure there's a reason for having that hope. In englaznd I had this odd belief that things were going to be great. Just because they were. Not becasue I had any past proof, just because my world was great.

Here I don't have that. I have this past full of confusion and worry and distress that makes believing things will be good just because they can be feel impossible.

This is all very disconnected. And not really about CRB at all. Although I think he brings somethng out in me that I'm not used to and I don't know if it has a place in my world here. I think it has a place in my world I'm just not sure it's this one even thoguh it's really the only one I have.

(ps. I'm ignoring all the stress I could be having about work and money because that's too much about my real material world, and right now I am completely overwhelmed by the state of my emotional being.)