things I did...

in England that I don't do here (anymore, regularly, and/or with pleasure):

1. Go dancing
2. Go to movies
3. Go to live shows
4. Take pictures
5. Go on day trips


I'm going to try starting them. Seriously.

rough

Today I was sad and irritable and I only had one client at work. Which means I sat around all day and made hardly any money at all. I am feeling very sad tonight and really disappointed I didn't hear from CRB.

And I feel scared. Of a lot of things. Perhaps everything. That I won't be able to give myself what I really want when I do figure out what I want. That I'll never let myself be happy. That I'll never feel truly sucessful. That I'll disappoint those around me. That in 10 years I'll be in this exact same place.

But now I'm frustrated. I know that this does not have to be my life. But I also know I can't get back the life I want. I know that I have to start a new one. But I've said that before and I've tried that before. And look where I still am.

fuck fuck fuck. This is not going to be the fancy little pity party it sounds like.

Mixed Emotions

More drama over the weekend. I got super drunk for Zebras birthday on Friday. I don't really feel like re-capping it all. Then On Sunday night CRB came over and it sucked. Monday morning and last night turned into this "big discussion".

Where I thought there were no expectations and that things were naturally heading into a romantic direction I find that is not the case for CRB. He does not want to be dating anyone right now. He does however want to build a relationship with me that is open. This is where I got confused. And I don't feel like it all happened intentionally.

I guess the bottom line is he doesn't want to lose me from his life, he isn't in a position to be in a relationship, he's worried that I will either get too attached if we have sex, or that I will withdraw if we're just friends. That's what I got out of it at least. I'm not sure if a serious relationship is a possibility for the future anymore.

On my side, I'm fine with it all. Fucking or dating him was not at all the only thing I was after. I'm happy being friends. I guess I just can't have someone staying over at my house who is affectionate half the time and the exact opposite the rest. It's confusing to me. So I said no more sleeping over. Not that I don't want it or can't handle it but I think we're in a position where clear boundries are necessary.

And I think that's because we do have this past. I'm comfortable with him. That makes it really easy for me to slip into acting like we're in a relationship. Almost out of habit rather than sincere immediate want. Plus I want to fuck someone and having a warm body in my bed just doesn't help that. Especially when the comfort level is so high. It's confusing for my vag - not my head or heart.

And we both worry about the fragility of our relationship (this word is a huge source of confusion I think) and don't want something small to be misunderstood and end things again. But last night I was saying that I think it has these incredibly strong parts to it. And we need to focus on that and take comfort in them.

When we finished our phone call last night I quickly called back and said that I wanted him to know I was in a happy place these days. And not because I thought we were getting into a relationship or because of the idea of sex with him, but just because. I was enjoying spending time with him and I felt a sense of ease since having him back around.

He then told me he had told his ex that he was the happiest he'd been in months. He wanted me to know that too. And I don't think that we owe that just to each other. I think he's been reconnecting with his friends and what he likes about his life. And I think it's the same for me in some ways.

(This is really hard and makes me cry super quickly and with a huge feeling of loss.)

I've been going to movies and loving them. I'm having these moments of openness I relate really heavily to England. And that's hard. In the middle of them it's exciting, but when I reflect upon them later there's something really scary about it. And really sad. So this morning I think my sadness and my quietness is related to that.

A confusion about where my life is and the fear of not being upset or worried about about it. And it's money as always, and it's the fact that there is no boy excitement anymore. Trying to be hopeful when I'm not sure there's a reason for having that hope. In englaznd I had this odd belief that things were going to be great. Just because they were. Not becasue I had any past proof, just because my world was great.

Here I don't have that. I have this past full of confusion and worry and distress that makes believing things will be good just because they can be feel impossible.

This is all very disconnected. And not really about CRB at all. Although I think he brings somethng out in me that I'm not used to and I don't know if it has a place in my world here. I think it has a place in my world I'm just not sure it's this one even thoguh it's really the only one I have.

(ps. I'm ignoring all the stress I could be having about work and money because that's too much about my real material world, and right now I am completely overwhelmed by the state of my emotional being.)

24 hours

Yesterday I was hanging out with Zebra and CRb asked if I wanted to do something that night. I asked if he wanted to go out or my place and my place was the answer. I said I needed about 2 more hours with Zebra.

Later he texted me and told me he was on his way. An hour later no sign of him so I sent the first of two unanswered texts. An hour after that I tried calling. I wasn't sure what was going on (if he was coming or not) but I got no answer. Another 15 minutes after that I called again.

He answered and we had a conversation. He was still with his friend, and wasn't sure what was going on. I expressed my irritation on confusion. He apologized and showed stress about said friend and the frustration of not really having a home and the troubles with finding one. He also said something about the fragility of "us". I hung up saying I wasn't going to stay mad but I was disappointed and he owed me something very nice.

I slept with a sweater he left here. It smelled like him. I took deep breaths.

At work today I called him after my first client to see how the rest of his night went. I think I was secretly hoping for a bit more (sober) remorse. Just a small sentence even. Instead I got excitement about this place he might get and how he had fun and got really drunk with his friends the night before.

I hung up and felt stupid and ignored and unimportant. I don't expect to be his top priority but I was upset. I bought two magazines (Nylon and Lucky) and had two more clients. When I checked my messages after my clients he had called. I called him back and he asked if I wanted to do something with him. I was still upset and told him that I wasn't sure because I still wasn't impressed with his behaviour of the night before. I said I'd look and see what movies were playing and I'd call him back when I knew when I'd be done work.

I ended up saying yes to a movie (Jumper) and he met me at work with the perfect hot chocolate (half sweet, soy, no whip). I was a bit irritated the whole night and we talked a bit before the movies as we grabbed something small to eat. After the movie I knew he had plans so we sat down and talked a bit more.

We discussed: caring, differences, stress, priorites, compromises, life styles, attention.

We left with a kiss and walked in different directions. He told me to call him when I got home. I left feeling much better. Smiling even.

When I got home I called him. He wanted to come over and I said he still could. So he's just finishing his beer and coming over. I'm really hoping to not be disappointed again, and told him if I was then this thing we're trying was done for another three years, and in three years I wouldn't try again.

We'll see. I'm showered and moisturized and in black lace underwear and a black tank top. He'd be silly not to want to come over.

Tired Mind

I am on only about 1 and a half hours of sleep. I was full of energy this morning and up until I started to get really bored at around 1:00. I only have one client today at 4:30 so until then I just sit. I did have to go to the bank, and then went to futureshop, but overall lots of boredom. That starts me thinking, which makes me more neurotic and self-doubting.

Which comes back to why I slept so little. CRB came over last night very late. He had to stay almost an hour late at work so I stayed awake doing my best not to fall asleep. But then once he was over (1:30 am?) I couldn't fall alseep. We talked and looked at pictures. Getting more and more physically close as things went.

I slept in less than I though I'd feel comfotable in, but more than I'd usually sleep in. And I wasn't the least bit uncomfortable. There was no sex but there was kissing. It was good. Not just the kissing, the whole thing.

As of yesterday morning I just feel different. Less stressed, less neurotic, more open, more optimistic. I think it has to do with seeing how sad I was when I was 13, but also with how calm I'm feeling about things with CRB. Like I know he's not perfect, and I know he's different than before in really good ways. But I also know that I have to rebuild with him even though our chemistry is still super intense. We have to build from where we are now, and not where we were 14 years ago.

revisiting

Excepts from the Diary I started January 15th 1995. I had just turned 13 years old. This starts from the first mention of CRB. Is it totally weird it's like the same month as now?

Also, please note that I can totally see sever depression symptoms all over the place here. Lots of regret and guilt and shit way heavier than I should have felt at 13.

Feb 19th 1995: I actually have a really dark secret! I want CRB to ask me out or tell me he likes me or something like that. It's not a crush, it's more like I really like him as a friend and would really like it if it was more but nobody will know that, not even when we play truth or dare.

March 10th: Fuck did he scare me. He jumped on my back and yelled "piggy back" in the hallway. Like fuck he knows I freak out when people do things like that to me.

March 11th: Mom said she wanted to meet CRB so I argued and argued but she wanted to meet him so she said he should come for dinner one night. I said she would only meet him if I had a party, so she said ok and now I'm having a party. Just a small one.

March 21st: CRB and I talked for a while on Monday and he said he'd call back when he got home but he forgot. Now I'm at Baldies (my step-dad) so he can't call me anyways. Unless he calls my dad and he tells him I'm here. CRB has enough intelligence to figure out what phone number it is because I know he has it.

Mach 31st: I told [two friends] about CRB. I almost regret it. Like I don't want to call him and talk to him cause they'll bug me and that will ruin everything.

April 3rd: I feel better about telling them now. I'm pretty sure they won't say anything. My crush (I'll just call it that) hasn't ruined CRB and mines friendship. That's good because I really don't want it to.


April 22nd: [my best friend at the time] asked CRB why he doesn't ask me out and he said he might but we're too good of friends. After hearing that my crush is pretty much gone but I still feel the best when I'm with him.

April 26th: ...and I'm almost over CRB.

May 21st: I'm so confused about CRB. I like him but I'm not sure if I'd go out with him or not. He likes me (he told [best friend]) but won't tell me or do anything about it. I think I should just get over it but it's hard. He's so sweet and nice so I can't get over it. Besides everybody that knows says we're so good together. I just have to think about it longer.

May 23rd: I said something really mean today but I didn't do it on purpose. I wasn't thinking straight and didn't mean it. CRB was bothering [friend] so she said I wouldn't go out with him if he didn't so. Without thinking I said that I wouldn't go out with him anyways. Now I really regret it. At least I think I do.

July 6th: CRB and I still aren't going out. [best friend] and I are still BFF but not on very good terms. She doesn't want CRB and I together becasue she's jealous of our friendship.

July 17th: I think I like CRB lots.

August 10th: [best friend] and I are so glad I didn't go out with CRB. He's such and asshole and I truly mean it. I'd tell him if he'd every call me. He told her I'm his best friend but he always ignores me. [Insert story about step bothers best friend touching my tits at our cabin.] I don't know if CRB knows or what he thinks. I gave a letter to him about it and I don't know if he's read it. I also asked him out in it... I totally take it back now.

August 15th: CRB was such a waste of love, but it wasn't true love.

(In September I started grade 8 at a new school, a different one than CRB.)

November 29th: I will never be able to...or watch a movie with CRB and feel the same ever again no matter how hard we try and I hate that feeling. [insert depress teen angst] I long to see CRB and do everything we did. If CRB hurt me so much why can't I forget? [more angst] WHy did we split up? It was perfect, we were perfect. I'm not even his friend anymore. Why? Why did he have to not phone me, why did he flirt with [best friend] on the 8th, why didn't I ask him, why did he like me, why did he care, why couldn't I say something, why won't I forget?

November 30th: (This is in response to a note from best friend about why I thought me and CRB weren't friends anymore) You might want to let him know I'll be there tomorrow because if he doesn't want to see me (I miss him and want to see him) I'll leave early so he won't have to.

December 2nd: After seeing CRB the other day I made a very important decision. I have to put him behind me in every way. I want to be his friend but every time we become good friends more happens but not enough does. And as much as I believe what happens does, I know I just can't go out with him and in my mind the only way to keep those feelings away is by staying away from him. It hurts to say this so extremely much because I loved him a lot and miss him so much. I realize I'm trowing away a lot but I don't know what else to do.

on a piece of paper glued in the diary date November 22nd: Only one person has ever been able to make me laugh enough to get me out of this but I can't depend on that anymore. I let him go and now I have to deal with it.

on a piece of paper glued in the diary date November 20th: I'm glad CRB is or at least was happy. I miss his friendship but at least we're still in touch.

January 1st 1996: I miss CRB with all my heart and wonder over and over what went wrong. I can't fix it now though. Only wonder if he still remembers me or for that matter wants to.

January ?: [Best friend] was over this weekend and CRB asked her out knowing I was sitting right there. I'm really mad because that was really disrespectful like after everything he asked her out in front of me? I'm not jealous I'm just mad that he'd do that and still expect me to be his friend. I want to have nothing to do with him.

May 30th:[best friend] says CRB's been asking about me lately. I feel kind of bad but...

June 18th: CRB should be out of my thoughts but [best friend's] party is making me uneasy about everything.

June 19th: (this was personal messages for each of the significant people in my mind) CRB: What can I say? Long time no see? Sigh..is that good or bad. You'll be in my heart forever.

June 23rd: I saw CRB, but we barely talked, 3 or 4 sentences traveled between us. But later I got sad. [miranda!] and CRB like each other...That's not really what I'm sad about though...It's mostly that we aren't friends anymore. We were like BF before and we could tell each other almost anything but now it's all gone and I hate it cause I miss him so much. I'm not mad and I don't want him all for myself but he even said he was better friends with Miranda than me. That made it final and me really sad.

July 2nd: CRB's off my mind, well actually just put into a file in the back of it. (I also mention in this entry that I want to be a make-up artist.)

July 12th:I talked to CRB on the phone but he and Miranda have been talking all week and it was a pretty boring conversation.

July 24th: I finally figured out what I'd do if I could relive last summer: Went as far as I really wanted with [step brothers friend] and asked CRB out before my party and we would have went out.

I'm going to be done this for now. I have actually really enjoyed it. Some things were sad and some were funny. I feel like it has encouraged me to let things go and relax.

There is more in the diary though. The next 3 pages are all about my week that I actually dated him and the best friend stopped talking to me.

Saturday Night

1. I have not finished my moms gifts.

2. I downloaded the new Hawksley Workman album and LOVE at least 3 songs on first listen.

3. I bought a new purse, a new bra and 12 pairs of underwear today.

4. I am now sorting my underwear drawer to make room for the new ones.

5. I have a sublist of things I want to ask/tell CRB:

a. Do you know that once your mom asked me if I'd marry you? She said I was a good influence.

b. I know you think that we would have been together for a few years at least if we have actually gotten together at 12 years old. Do you still really think that now?

c. I want to be happier and more relaxed and more outgoing, but I'm terrified of it.

d. Do you think that if you met me for the first time we would even have started talking to each other? Does that matter to you?

pause

Today I went to the gym and it was way harder than normal. We figured out I was pretty dehydrated and I had to actually sit down twice to kind of regain my focus. I know I haven't been drinking much water and my diet hasn't been as good, but I didn't expect that at all.

It was a short day at work and had a hint of getting some money but then it hasn't arrived in my bank account yet. I had these fun ideas of getting some super cute bra and underwear sets but that was not realized. I'm way more boring and depressed when I'm broke.

I also have 2 huge crafts to finish for my mom by Sunday for her birthday but I'm totally procrastinating. I'm feeling a bit tired or something. As I typed that I yawned. I have to stay up and finish some laundry though. oh, and I meant to se if anything interesting was going on around town on Monday for a date.

That's all I've got.

Shrinking

One of my favorite skirts was always just on the small side. Today I wore it and it's too big. It's half exciting and half sad. I love this skirt, but it is too long and kind of frumpy now.

Last night I was awoke by a phone call just after midnight. CRB (is this still an appropriate name?) had a rough day and just wanted to hear my voice. He felt bad for waking me up and we only talked for a few minutes. Then we started text messaging and it continued until a bit after 3:30 am. A text every 15 or 20 minutes. I would sleep in between them.

It was pretty much all about sex but I feel I can't share it. We were talking on Tuesday about how "of course I tell my friends about you and some of our conversations" but he said he didn't at all, and was kind of shocked that I did. I guess it's safe to say that he wants to fuck me. That's nearly a direct quote. but he also may have sort of revealed a bit of insecurity about if I'm really interested in that way.

When I think about it I totally am. However, it's not going to be just as simple as fucking when we get some time alone. We've not even kissed yet. (But he wanted to the other night, but wasn't sure if it'd be ok with me. I told him I'm pretty sure it would have been.) I don't think we're going to have a chance to see each other again before Monday so for now hopefully just thinking about it will make me more relaxed about actually doing it.

To an extent I feel like things are in limbo right now so if I said I wanted to back off and not go in this dating direction now he would probably be ok, and we could be friends again every few months/years. But I think if we go head and start kissing and having sex then it's decided. We won't go back to friends. The "what if" factor will be gone and there'll be no reason to stay in touch. That would make me sad.

ok, he's texting me now, so I'm going to get into bed and start trying to sleep. If he's still texting by 12:00 I'm going to cut him off because I need to go to the gym in the morning. I need to get my focus back there, and not on the boy.

(oh, but first, I wonder if there'll be valentines stuff? Like I expect nothing because it's still early but it might be fun to go on a nice date. I don't know if he's the type who would do flowers or anything like that. I would totally fuck him if he did though. As long as they were a good exciting flower choice. I'm totally kidding about that. really.)

Transforming

So Midge thinks I'm undergoing a transformation. The tattoo, new drastic hair colour, dating again. I don't know if she had reasons other than that.

I think we're kind of officially dating. We've been talking every day. Some serious, some joking, some suggestive. We went out last night. He bought me dinner and then we headed down to the beach. We walked and sat on a bench and talked for at least a good hour. It was really cold though or I'm sure we would have stayed later.

We laughed and asked questions. Looked at stars and clouds. And touched. No kissing but lots of slightly more than friendly touching as we were figuring out boundaries. It was comfortable. He walked me to the skytrain after midnight. We said goodbye, and hugged. He kissed me on the cheek as he has been doing. It feels good and doesn't leave me feeling like an idiot for not actually kissing him. And the more I talk to and see him the more I actually do want to kiss him.

And my sex drive has ramped right back up. Completely. Which makes me feel great even though I think sex is still well off in the distance. While I know he would be more than happy to just sleep with me, but he's very concerned that I think that's the only reason he's interested. To the point that he didn't come and see me when I was drunk on Sunday night and wanted company.

I think that's it for now. Only other stuff is that I'm trying to make more money at work but it is very hard and my going to the gym is payng off in that my shirts/dresses fit way better but my pants are all too big. Maybe that's another part of the transformation.