revisiting

Excepts from the Diary I started January 15th 1995. I had just turned 13 years old. This starts from the first mention of CRB. Is it totally weird it's like the same month as now?

Also, please note that I can totally see sever depression symptoms all over the place here. Lots of regret and guilt and shit way heavier than I should have felt at 13.

Feb 19th 1995: I actually have a really dark secret! I want CRB to ask me out or tell me he likes me or something like that. It's not a crush, it's more like I really like him as a friend and would really like it if it was more but nobody will know that, not even when we play truth or dare.

March 10th: Fuck did he scare me. He jumped on my back and yelled "piggy back" in the hallway. Like fuck he knows I freak out when people do things like that to me.

March 11th: Mom said she wanted to meet CRB so I argued and argued but she wanted to meet him so she said he should come for dinner one night. I said she would only meet him if I had a party, so she said ok and now I'm having a party. Just a small one.

March 21st: CRB and I talked for a while on Monday and he said he'd call back when he got home but he forgot. Now I'm at Baldies (my step-dad) so he can't call me anyways. Unless he calls my dad and he tells him I'm here. CRB has enough intelligence to figure out what phone number it is because I know he has it.

Mach 31st: I told [two friends] about CRB. I almost regret it. Like I don't want to call him and talk to him cause they'll bug me and that will ruin everything.

April 3rd: I feel better about telling them now. I'm pretty sure they won't say anything. My crush (I'll just call it that) hasn't ruined CRB and mines friendship. That's good because I really don't want it to.


April 22nd: [my best friend at the time] asked CRB why he doesn't ask me out and he said he might but we're too good of friends. After hearing that my crush is pretty much gone but I still feel the best when I'm with him.

April 26th: ...and I'm almost over CRB.

May 21st: I'm so confused about CRB. I like him but I'm not sure if I'd go out with him or not. He likes me (he told [best friend]) but won't tell me or do anything about it. I think I should just get over it but it's hard. He's so sweet and nice so I can't get over it. Besides everybody that knows says we're so good together. I just have to think about it longer.

May 23rd: I said something really mean today but I didn't do it on purpose. I wasn't thinking straight and didn't mean it. CRB was bothering [friend] so she said I wouldn't go out with him if he didn't so. Without thinking I said that I wouldn't go out with him anyways. Now I really regret it. At least I think I do.

July 6th: CRB and I still aren't going out. [best friend] and I are still BFF but not on very good terms. She doesn't want CRB and I together becasue she's jealous of our friendship.

July 17th: I think I like CRB lots.

August 10th: [best friend] and I are so glad I didn't go out with CRB. He's such and asshole and I truly mean it. I'd tell him if he'd every call me. He told her I'm his best friend but he always ignores me. [Insert story about step bothers best friend touching my tits at our cabin.] I don't know if CRB knows or what he thinks. I gave a letter to him about it and I don't know if he's read it. I also asked him out in it... I totally take it back now.

August 15th: CRB was such a waste of love, but it wasn't true love.

(In September I started grade 8 at a new school, a different one than CRB.)

November 29th: I will never be able to...or watch a movie with CRB and feel the same ever again no matter how hard we try and I hate that feeling. [insert depress teen angst] I long to see CRB and do everything we did. If CRB hurt me so much why can't I forget? [more angst] WHy did we split up? It was perfect, we were perfect. I'm not even his friend anymore. Why? Why did he have to not phone me, why did he flirt with [best friend] on the 8th, why didn't I ask him, why did he like me, why did he care, why couldn't I say something, why won't I forget?

November 30th: (This is in response to a note from best friend about why I thought me and CRB weren't friends anymore) You might want to let him know I'll be there tomorrow because if he doesn't want to see me (I miss him and want to see him) I'll leave early so he won't have to.

December 2nd: After seeing CRB the other day I made a very important decision. I have to put him behind me in every way. I want to be his friend but every time we become good friends more happens but not enough does. And as much as I believe what happens does, I know I just can't go out with him and in my mind the only way to keep those feelings away is by staying away from him. It hurts to say this so extremely much because I loved him a lot and miss him so much. I realize I'm trowing away a lot but I don't know what else to do.

on a piece of paper glued in the diary date November 22nd: Only one person has ever been able to make me laugh enough to get me out of this but I can't depend on that anymore. I let him go and now I have to deal with it.

on a piece of paper glued in the diary date November 20th: I'm glad CRB is or at least was happy. I miss his friendship but at least we're still in touch.

January 1st 1996: I miss CRB with all my heart and wonder over and over what went wrong. I can't fix it now though. Only wonder if he still remembers me or for that matter wants to.

January ?: [Best friend] was over this weekend and CRB asked her out knowing I was sitting right there. I'm really mad because that was really disrespectful like after everything he asked her out in front of me? I'm not jealous I'm just mad that he'd do that and still expect me to be his friend. I want to have nothing to do with him.

May 30th:[best friend] says CRB's been asking about me lately. I feel kind of bad but...

June 18th: CRB should be out of my thoughts but [best friend's] party is making me uneasy about everything.

June 19th: (this was personal messages for each of the significant people in my mind) CRB: What can I say? Long time no see? Sigh..is that good or bad. You'll be in my heart forever.

June 23rd: I saw CRB, but we barely talked, 3 or 4 sentences traveled between us. But later I got sad. [miranda!] and CRB like each other...That's not really what I'm sad about though...It's mostly that we aren't friends anymore. We were like BF before and we could tell each other almost anything but now it's all gone and I hate it cause I miss him so much. I'm not mad and I don't want him all for myself but he even said he was better friends with Miranda than me. That made it final and me really sad.

July 2nd: CRB's off my mind, well actually just put into a file in the back of it. (I also mention in this entry that I want to be a make-up artist.)

July 12th:I talked to CRB on the phone but he and Miranda have been talking all week and it was a pretty boring conversation.

July 24th: I finally figured out what I'd do if I could relive last summer: Went as far as I really wanted with [step brothers friend] and asked CRB out before my party and we would have went out.

I'm going to be done this for now. I have actually really enjoyed it. Some things were sad and some were funny. I feel like it has encouraged me to let things go and relax.

There is more in the diary though. The next 3 pages are all about my week that I actually dated him and the best friend stopped talking to me.