Balancing away

So a bunch of very mixed stuff going ont today. I got new jeans with a surprisingly small amount of fuss and they were super affordable. I boughta few more craft things but the big shop in town didn't have the best selection of something I wanted so I'm a bit stuck there. It'll be fine for now though. I got my London map and feel very happy about that. I returned my books this morning but I still need to finish reading one so I'll be going to the library tomorrow morning before I go to catch my train. I have another here that I will work on tonight. Then next week will be all writing the paper.

I've also sorted out my money and have less than I need. I knew I'd have less, but not being given the stuff to do work for HK ltd was unexpected and I overdrew one of my bank accounts by 36 pence (!!!!) and they charged be tons because of it. And it was a studpid mistake on my part, I forgot that my UK credit card minimum payment is automatically taken out of the account I never use, which was 36 p short of the payment. My other account had enough money to clear it. So because of that, my credit card company also charged me a whack. The whole thing has basically cost be over 50.00 pounds, which I really can't afford and makes me miss my wonderful little bank in Canada that would just let me be overdrawn for a few days, or transfer money from one account to other other to cover it.

Not going to fuss over it though as it won't help. This weekend in London will be cheap though because I've got to do museum work and most of them are free. No shopping either. I'll be in a position to shop when my company from Canada comes next weekend, and they will be likely to even buy stuff for me which is brilliant.

I feel like I need to apologize for being boring and just talking about money and crafts and shopping. I'm supposed to be talking about sex and boys but unfortunately my life is completely void of both right now. I was in the gap today looking at jeans even though they don't carry my size here and a hot guy asked if he could help find my size, so I lied about what it was. They still didn't have any of that style in the fake size and I turned down his offer to check in other washes. I felt like a huge loser. Then there was no cute weekend bag at boots, although that's likely for the best.

I might update in the morning but I won't be using the net while in London so expect no action until Sunday night.

Celebration

My taxes return is officially in the canadian bank. I now have to decide how much to put on the canadian credit card, transfer the rest to the uk account, and decide how much to put on the uk credit card. It's not quite as bad of a debt situation as it sounds because both credit cards have fairly low limits. But I do have a loan with my canadian bank and wonderful canadian student loans. Ack. I don't like to think about this.

I also saw a bag in a magazine I want really bad and I might go into town tomorrow to buy it. I have to see how big it is though, because I can only justify it if it's big enough. I think I'd also get anouther 5.00 voucher off fcuk make up at boots if I bought it, so really it's like a bag and nail polish for 20.00. I'm so bad at this. ok. I feel better now. I will go into the city tomorrow but just to look at that bag and buy a map of London if I can find a decent one. I know I can get on there but I'd rather plan out a head of time.

Feeling a bit more relaxed now. ok, back to the reading I was so diligently doing.

I want it to be warm

I wrote a post yesterday afternoon but blogger wasn't letting me post it. I saved it but it was all this: I'm bored and am now behind on working on my paper. I have to plan two weekends in london and have no map and no money and it's not very productive. I want a woll store to go to in lond and can't find one, so if anyone knows please share info.

Last night I finsihed my major craft project that I've been working on. I could never make them to sell because I would have to charge a fortune to make up for the amount of time spent on them. Oh well. I watched Puch-Drunk Love and remembered how much I love that movie. See it, it's great. A quircky a-typical lvoe story with some of the best "sweet" moments between two characters that put in any other contaxt would be retarded and very non-lovey.

I went and spent some very productive hours in the library and have three moe books to read before I can really get into writing. Two of the books have to be back at the library by 10 tomorrow morning so those will get done tonight. The other will wait for tomorrow. I'm not too sure what angle I'm taking on the project, but I've got lots of good and relevant information and once I decide what my main point is I expect it to come together quickly. I have 5 days next week to complete it, save for some light editing. I'll take a final draft with me on the trip so I can re-arrange or clarify things if I want.

Also, I'm not really doing any work for HK Ltd. Basically I would like to but they haven't gotten me the information I need to work with and so no work to do. Ok, because it's going to be boring and tedious work, but I really would like the money.

I've also noticed my sexx-drive is pretty mellow right now. I think it's partly the after-period hormones and partly lack of stimulation. No hot boys or fun conversation in lectures, no 18 year olds playing football outside my flat, no drunken dancing. That all combines to make for boring craft and school related posts.

Oh, yesterday I was also musing about starting a bog just for crafting because it's taking up a lot of my mind and also space here where I don't think it really belongs. Porblems is whether to make it anonymous or not, and if I can maintain 3 online things. We'll see.

Hardly Mid-Day

Well I did go for a walk and boughta few things to craft. Just what I needed to get the gift parcel off really. I have a bunhc of other projects in mind, but I need to go into the city to get that stuff. I'm actually a bit surprised I didn't have to for these projects. I think I might start a craft blog though, because I really have a lot going in my head right now about it and I don't think it all fits here really.

The problem with another blog is that it would mean three to maintain, at least until I get home and my travel journal is done, and I have a problem maintaining them both as it is. I also would like the craft one to be myself, so it wouldn't link up here, but I think that's ok. I'll wait until after my vacation to think about it. Starting tomorrow I'm on total paper writing mode so I don't have to worry about it while I'm off actually on a vacaction.

I'm all screwed about London this weekend and next. Next weekend I'm with someone and I'm supposed to be kind of planning it, but I suck. Well I don't I just can't decide how to do everything with time to actually visit stuff and go shopping. We've only got two days, but lots of stuff to fit into those two days. As for this weekend, I'm trying to create a schedule but I'm getting stuck.

I think my first problem is that I have no money right now really. I'm waiting for some but it's not here and that's stressful. I also want a detailed London street map so I can mark all the things I want to do/see on it and plan that way, it works best for me. But I don't want to go into the city just for that, and the town doesn't have one that's not for cars. I might just have to wait until I"m there on Friday. At least that day I know what I'm doing (Tate Modern, Saatchi and Maybe a quick visit to the portrait gallery) and then that night I can sort Saturday and Sunday. And if anyone out there knows of a good wool shop in central London let me know. I can't find one and it's freaking me out.

I think I have to start keeping food in my room. There's a bunch of people in my kitchen againa dn I have a feeling it won't be free for at least another hour and I'm sure it won't be clean then either. Pasta is the plan tonight. I think. I might watch on of the few film I brought with me tonight. I have seen them all a bunch of times so I can craft while watchning them. Maybe Punch-Drunk Love. Hmm. We'll see.

Rolling Down Hills

So today I'm not feeling quite as good as the last few. I think I'm kind of anxious to get to the library and it sucks that I can't until tomorrow. Also, I want to get craft stuff but my money's not here yet and I can't max out cards or anything because I'm spending the weekend in Lodnon and need money for that. On top of it the weathers crap so it makes just going for a walk not sound so appealing. I'll likely do it anyways just to get myself out of the flat. I do still have a few dollars cash on me for a few craft things so we'll see.

Texted this morning to a friend about weight issues and wrote that "I think I have as many insecurities about losing weight as I do about not losing it" which is very true. Maybe I'll do pilates today. I'd like to say that I'll go for a run, but I'd be totally lying so I'm not going to do that. First some breakfast and a quick phone call home to my mom. Then I'll go for a walk into the town and look at books or something.

Cookie break

I'm hungry but there's all kinds of people in the kitchen and so I'm not going in there. Luckily, there's some sprite left and I have digestive cookies from last night still in my room. The project is going super good, but don't know if I'll get as much done as I thought I would tonight. It might not get finished until tomorrow. That's ok though, because before I mail it to the future owner I want to make something else to go with it and I need to pick stuff up to make that. A wonderful little mixed CD is also going with the two craft items.

All that aside, I am going to spend the rest of this post saying a few things about the new toy. I haven't really said anything about it yet other than the base is a bit suction-y. Not because it's not getting used though. I don't think I talk about my vibe that much either other than "I used it" type stuff.

1. I used it last night. I hadn't used it in about a week though. I find my body does not appreciate ass play during my period.

2. You can't really tell that much by the picture but each section of it gets slightly bigger. This is a good thing.

3. It looks big, but it doesn't feel all that big. It's not that it feels small, but a little bit of lube and the first section is quickly occupied.

4. I don't always put it all the way in. There's just not always need for it. there's also a bit of a nice feeling of "potential" when only the firt two sections are inside me. Hard to explain, but good.

5. It never gets used on it's own. Always fingers, a vibe, or both heavily involved in whatever's going on.

6. I'm quite happy with my choice. It's a bit more dymanic with the ripples than a standard plug would be, but I really feel filled up when it's completely inserted. I also get the bead-llike feeling, which I wanted. I got some feedback about getting one that vibrated, but the slight and only occasional vibrations that go through the silicon when my vibe touches the base is plenty.

I'd ask if anyone has questions, but I don't think I'd answer them. Ok, one last cookie and back to crafting. I hope to make dinner soon. either pasta or soup and sandwich.. Not sure yet.

No work for me

Turns out the library is closed until Wednesday. So I just had a nice walk today and got myself out and dressed, which is good. However, now all I hsve to do for two days is plan more about London, and craft. I quess I could do some vocab work also. I might to into the city if I get my money before Friday. We'll see.

Last night, I didn't go to sleep early at all. I read about crafting for a good two hours and then wanked again. It was differnt though: I put the erotica aside and tried just to fantasize. Totally didn't work well as I kept getting distracted by fake conversations. Even with people I had made it. I even attempted to incorporate class clown which totally backfired. I mean I was aroused but it was going nowhere fast.

I didn't entirly give up though. I thought about wanking while someone was watching me as I was in that moment. So they weren't involved and I didn't have to be concerned about them or their role in my life. I just focused on what I was doing and how it made me feel and it ended in a very long, rippleling orgasm that ushered me quite well into sleep.

I bougth Sprite today which I hardly ever do. Pop is not a big thing for me and have maybe had it about 6 times in the last 10 months or so. I don't even drink it with alcohol usually. And if I do it's often mixed with juice. I do like the fizziness though so I drink carbonated or flavoured water. Still fizzy but minus all the sugar.

moving along

Feeling better about classclown today. Just thinking and caring less about it which is what I was fairly successfully doing until I had the dream. I guess tha facts are that he, for my purposes, has a girlfriend and I'm not attracted to him physically. those two things are enough for me not to crush on him. I have other things my mind should occupy itself with right now. I am going to try to not crush on anyone now and only get preoccupied with people I genuinely like and there's a real possibility they like me, and I'm not going to let it run away from me loike it so often does.

Got the rest of the reading I can do for my paper without hitting the library done today so tonight will be early to bed (especially since I wasn't awake until 1:30 today) so that I can get lots done at the library tomorrow. I work on the gift and saw something I really want to make but need to buy supplies and can't do that for a few days yet. My next trip into the city will kick ass.

Today was the last day of my period and I am super happy with the menstrual cup and totally reccomend it for any women who may be reading. I was anticipating some difficulties for the first few days from other's experiences but I had none which is great. It'll be nice to see if if makes my cramps better next month, which would be like the biggest fucking bonus of a product ever.

I want to craft a bit more tonight and maybe watch a film but I'm pretty tired already. I kind of want a bath but if I wash my hair the wonderful straightnes will be gone and I'm not quite ready to do that. On the same kind of note I found dry shampoo at boots, which I've always wanted but I can't afford the Bumble and Bumble stuff which is the only one I've ever seen. So, with the hair concerns in mind, I think I am going to go off into someone else's sexual fantasy life, because as we have seen I don't have one of my own, and wank for the first time in several days. Might not be long in some peoples books but it is in mine.

Hope everyone's had a stunning easter weekend, or at least a decent one. (AH! I just realized clocks went forward. It's later than I thought. blah. oh well, it's not like I have a schedule I have to keep to or anything.)

Post-thinking

ok, I am very content and settled now and feel really quite hot and sexy (yay!). I look the same as I did 2 hours ago, but I guess two really good orgasms make a girl feel better about everything. I even like how my tummy looks with my low hanging pyjama bottoms and a top that is much too small (but it was only 2.00 Canadian at old navy and it a nice colour). I'm sitting on my bed reading craft related stuff on the computer and eating digestive cookies. This is a good moment.

Mental Block

So another end to another day of loafing around my flat. Surprisingly I haven't been snacking crazily as I usually do when I'm at home all day. I think it's partly because I'm kind of out of money until sometime next week, and partly because crafting really occupies my hands and unlike taking notes, you don't want to eat while you craft because you might dirty whatever item you're working on.

So today I've got a bunch more work done, both school and crafts. I was going to go to the library tomorrow but I decided that wasn't such a good idea because I can't take anything out and I'll just have to go back on Monday because there's two books I need to take out. I still have two very long srticles to read here and can start doing some secondary reading that isn't focused on my topic but will likely help round out my argument and demonstate a deeper understanding of the context I'm writing about.

But what did I come here for? It wasn't just to tell you the boring details above. I've been trying not to think about dreaming about classclown, or about him in general really, and I wasn't as successful as I would like. I guess I'm trying to put it into a way that can help me understand what is stopping me from dating. Because as crap as it is, there's something about me that makes people think I'm not available (whatever that means) or that makes people not care if I am or not.

Admission: I have fake/hypothetical conversations between myself and others. I don't actually talk out loud, but they are fully detailed and elaborate conversations. I even get a sense of body language, facial expressions, physical setting. It's weird but I've been doing it for a long time. It's like a way of day dreaming for me, more verbal than visual though. The other weird thing is that they are often not good conversations, like things I'm anxious about, or don't want to happen, or being angry with a person. Sometimes there good but I've got to explain abit more.

So I was in the bath and thinking about classclown. I was having one of these fake conversations and it started good but it got bad and serious and weird. I even had two completely differnet conversations with him that started good and turned to crap. I did this with young downstairs boy too. I considered tons of potential conversations I could have had back in December to keep someone around after he totally stopped calling. (the ones with downstairs boy and the boy from december didn't happen today while in the bath, I was just giving more examples about how I do this a lot.)

I also mentioned to someone this morning about how my dreams recently never get to sex. It's always just kissing and then something weird happens. It's not like I forget the sex. The situation goes bad and it never goes past kissing. (Better than real life I guess which never even gets there. ha.)

So then this got me thinking about a convo about porn and fantasies I had a few days ago and I realized I never fantasize about myself being in situations (have I ready said this here? It's kind of late here, sorry.) I think I have said this. But the point here is that when I do try to fantasize sexually about someone and myself I screw it up! I literaly can't have fantasy sex. It ends up the same as day dreams - with weird conversations and seriousness.

I haven't quite decided what to do with all this information yet but I think it's all very important. In a way that's not thought out at all, it's like I can't just let go of all the worry and fear and walls, to just enjoy things.

But how does this all tie into classclown? Well, I'm obviously trying not to crush on him. I have many reasons for this. First, I don't think he could possibly be interested in me ever. He goes after the pretty girls, and while I don't think I'm ugly (whatever that means) I know I'm not "the pretty girl". Second, he's so not the relationship type. He has a girl he can sleep with whenever and he still pulls and sleeps with other girls. Yes, she's stupidly going along with it, but I think I'm being more tolerant of his behaviour than I would normally because I want the friend. That sounds pathetic and not like me - I have suspended friendships because I don't agree with peoples behaviour.

I also don't even find him that attractive, mentally or physically. If we hadn't walked home togetherthat one day at the beginning of term I probably still wouldn't be talking to him. But I do really like talking to him and he has his very sincere moments where he's not being obnoxiously outgoing and shallow.

I don't know where to go with all of this. I remeber there was a time and within the last 3 years where I could involve myself in fantasies but somewhere it stopped. And I really think whatever mental stuff is stopping me from doing that is really closely connected with me not dating/relationshipping/whatever. (I'm saying whatever a lot tonight, sorry.) I guess I have to get over the mental stuff and really my progress has been amazing, you have no idea, but every thing with guys that goes nowhere leaves me more fucked than before and in totally the wrong way.

Over a year ago I went back into therapy. It was expensive but I was losing it with stuff about applying to unis and work and all kinds of other obligations and I ended up stopping because I just couldn't afford it. I also stopped because one of the main reasons I started going again was to work thorugh this block I have with getting to know people (it's really fallen away these last few months in terms of friend situations which is fabulous) but I couldn't get into it. I couldn't admit to myself how totally lost I was and how retarded of a place I had got myself into. That lack of being able to say what I really wanted to made me panicky so we just worked on that because I really was a mess most appointments.

This is getting long and rambly now - ah, it was rambly from the start. I'm not feeling hopeless about it though today. I'm just feeling like this is such a waste of my time and energy and I just want to get passed it. I've felt like that for a while though and still nothing. ok, I'm stopping and I'll be around tomorrow. I think I really need a stress-relief wank but I simply don't know if I can get into the headspace without all this shit getting in the way. Who knows.

Edited to add: I was just thinking about new years boy which happened so long ago it's pathetic but that night I did eventually relax enough to just actually kiss him but it seriously took like 6 hours, too much vodka and too much talk. He was just high enough to wait around and persist while I rambled about being neurotic and turned him down all night.