Mental Block

So another end to another day of loafing around my flat. Surprisingly I haven't been snacking crazily as I usually do when I'm at home all day. I think it's partly because I'm kind of out of money until sometime next week, and partly because crafting really occupies my hands and unlike taking notes, you don't want to eat while you craft because you might dirty whatever item you're working on.

So today I've got a bunch more work done, both school and crafts. I was going to go to the library tomorrow but I decided that wasn't such a good idea because I can't take anything out and I'll just have to go back on Monday because there's two books I need to take out. I still have two very long srticles to read here and can start doing some secondary reading that isn't focused on my topic but will likely help round out my argument and demonstate a deeper understanding of the context I'm writing about.

But what did I come here for? It wasn't just to tell you the boring details above. I've been trying not to think about dreaming about classclown, or about him in general really, and I wasn't as successful as I would like. I guess I'm trying to put it into a way that can help me understand what is stopping me from dating. Because as crap as it is, there's something about me that makes people think I'm not available (whatever that means) or that makes people not care if I am or not.

Admission: I have fake/hypothetical conversations between myself and others. I don't actually talk out loud, but they are fully detailed and elaborate conversations. I even get a sense of body language, facial expressions, physical setting. It's weird but I've been doing it for a long time. It's like a way of day dreaming for me, more verbal than visual though. The other weird thing is that they are often not good conversations, like things I'm anxious about, or don't want to happen, or being angry with a person. Sometimes there good but I've got to explain abit more.

So I was in the bath and thinking about classclown. I was having one of these fake conversations and it started good but it got bad and serious and weird. I even had two completely differnet conversations with him that started good and turned to crap. I did this with young downstairs boy too. I considered tons of potential conversations I could have had back in December to keep someone around after he totally stopped calling. (the ones with downstairs boy and the boy from december didn't happen today while in the bath, I was just giving more examples about how I do this a lot.)

I also mentioned to someone this morning about how my dreams recently never get to sex. It's always just kissing and then something weird happens. It's not like I forget the sex. The situation goes bad and it never goes past kissing. (Better than real life I guess which never even gets there. ha.)

So then this got me thinking about a convo about porn and fantasies I had a few days ago and I realized I never fantasize about myself being in situations (have I ready said this here? It's kind of late here, sorry.) I think I have said this. But the point here is that when I do try to fantasize sexually about someone and myself I screw it up! I literaly can't have fantasy sex. It ends up the same as day dreams - with weird conversations and seriousness.

I haven't quite decided what to do with all this information yet but I think it's all very important. In a way that's not thought out at all, it's like I can't just let go of all the worry and fear and walls, to just enjoy things.

But how does this all tie into classclown? Well, I'm obviously trying not to crush on him. I have many reasons for this. First, I don't think he could possibly be interested in me ever. He goes after the pretty girls, and while I don't think I'm ugly (whatever that means) I know I'm not "the pretty girl". Second, he's so not the relationship type. He has a girl he can sleep with whenever and he still pulls and sleeps with other girls. Yes, she's stupidly going along with it, but I think I'm being more tolerant of his behaviour than I would normally because I want the friend. That sounds pathetic and not like me - I have suspended friendships because I don't agree with peoples behaviour.

I also don't even find him that attractive, mentally or physically. If we hadn't walked home togetherthat one day at the beginning of term I probably still wouldn't be talking to him. But I do really like talking to him and he has his very sincere moments where he's not being obnoxiously outgoing and shallow.

I don't know where to go with all of this. I remeber there was a time and within the last 3 years where I could involve myself in fantasies but somewhere it stopped. And I really think whatever mental stuff is stopping me from doing that is really closely connected with me not dating/relationshipping/whatever. (I'm saying whatever a lot tonight, sorry.) I guess I have to get over the mental stuff and really my progress has been amazing, you have no idea, but every thing with guys that goes nowhere leaves me more fucked than before and in totally the wrong way.

Over a year ago I went back into therapy. It was expensive but I was losing it with stuff about applying to unis and work and all kinds of other obligations and I ended up stopping because I just couldn't afford it. I also stopped because one of the main reasons I started going again was to work thorugh this block I have with getting to know people (it's really fallen away these last few months in terms of friend situations which is fabulous) but I couldn't get into it. I couldn't admit to myself how totally lost I was and how retarded of a place I had got myself into. That lack of being able to say what I really wanted to made me panicky so we just worked on that because I really was a mess most appointments.

This is getting long and rambly now - ah, it was rambly from the start. I'm not feeling hopeless about it though today. I'm just feeling like this is such a waste of my time and energy and I just want to get passed it. I've felt like that for a while though and still nothing. ok, I'm stopping and I'll be around tomorrow. I think I really need a stress-relief wank but I simply don't know if I can get into the headspace without all this shit getting in the way. Who knows.

Edited to add: I was just thinking about new years boy which happened so long ago it's pathetic but that night I did eventually relax enough to just actually kiss him but it seriously took like 6 hours, too much vodka and too much talk. He was just high enough to wait around and persist while I rambled about being neurotic and turned him down all night.