A night somewhat alone

It was a werid night. I didn't get to sleep until after 3:00. Let's just say I used lots of lube and at 2:30 I places an order for one of the toys I had previously mentioned (Number 6 on the list - still really want smartballs though) and some lube.

But the real weirdness involved dreams. I'm going to do them as a list because I'm not entirely sure how it all connects.

1. Classclown and I made out a lot. And when we couldn't make out (people talking to us) we were trying to touch each other as much as possible. It was like primal lust or romantic either. It was fun and playful and very natural - like why had we waited so long. I don't know how to descirbe this. It was really nice. Like we weren't worried about having sex, or dating, or what people would think. We just wanted to enjoy the time.

2. At one point we were making out on the top bunk of a bed and one of my friends from home that wasn't in very good favour when I left stormed in. I apparently had borrowed her jacket at some point and got drunk and threw up on it (something I do not actually ever do in real life except for one exception) basically I had asked another friend of ours to hide it and clean it. She tried her best but it left a stain and she broke down and explained to the girl what had really happened. So she came into the room yelling at me and I really calmly said I was relly sorry and that i would pay for a dry cleaner to get it porperly cleaned. She seemed shocked I had taken responsibility for it and was really surprised by how calm I was.

3. I remember trying to make a traditional ancient greek dress out of a bed sheet for a toga party I was going to. Two other people were in the room with me but they were making togas. the room was bright white and yellow, and my plan kept going wrong and for somereason masking take and zippers were involved even though they wouldn't need to be at all.

4. I walked into a big field that had a baseball diamond in it and saw my mom and the Artist hugging and felt very glad. It looked the the Artist but it wasn't actually him. He had just explained something to her so that she would not be upset with something I had done or said or something. I'm not sure. He walked away and just smiled at me.

5. I was sitting at my old desk at my office at home and was pregnant. Not really that visibly though. I remember people asking me how I felt and saying that I didn't think it would be as constantly uncomfortable as it was. I then had to go to this clinic to get a check up and it was so uncomfortable to walk. The nurse was really sweet and either thought I was showing more or less than I should have been. she was taking x-rays of my arm though and there were lots of bright flashing lights. I also remember standing in the room facing a change table that has little jars of cotton balls and q-tips and stuff thinking about how my mom so didn't want me to become pregnant while I wa sin England and I did, but I wasn't concerned about it. Like it could all still work out.
Then the nurse took me to these bookshelves to pick out free books to start reading to the baby. She mentioned a father but I don't know who it was. I grabbed some books and wanted winnie-the-pooh ones. The ones that were the size I wanted had english, french and japanese in them. She was telling me not to get them because I didn't know japanese and it would be a bad idea to take them. I kept saying that I had a friend who would be around that was living in Japan who could read that part for me. I didn't know whether I should have taken them or not.

So that was the parts of the dreams I can remember. I'm going to think about the parts with classclown and being pregnant, because they're important to me. I wanted to make an omlette this morning but I forgot to buy eggs. Plus it's well into the afternoon now. I should really do some reading.

Soft as soft

I ended up having an hour long shower and bath thing. The only thing that it lacked in terms of a complete beautifying bath was a face mask. I also had my very first orgasm in the shower since I've been here. It's weird because I masturbated in the shower tons at home, especially when my flatmate and I were sharing a room in the last few months.

When I was finally done I used 4 different kinds of moisturizer (feet, hands, body and face) and I now feel all nice and soft. Freshly shaved legs and arm pits as well. I even trimmed my pubic hair a bit. Hair on my body is very variable. Because I have been waxing my legs since I was a teenager the hair on them is really sparse and I don't shave too often in the winter. It's nice when I do though. trimming isn't very consistant either and I never go completely bare anymore. I've also let my hair airdry so it's wavy instead of straight.

Paul has been sending me completely uncomprehensible drunk messages online for about the last hour. It got me thinking about some things I've heard about him from classclown and others in the fun lecture. Just that he's always talking about how drunk he was and how he pulled a really fit girl but he waas to drunk to do anything once he got her back to that flat. And now he can hardly type. I mean you all have seen my drunk typing. It's not bad if I may say so. I guess that while I totally support getting smashed, there's a level of coherance that's important to maintain.

I don't want to let people who don't other people curb my view of them, but when I hear things like that I'm not super impressed. Now, I do recall saying a while ago about how I talked to a guy at the film party and felt like I was do drunk to do anything, but not like it sounds like he is. I mean I was too drunk to understand the accent so a fluid conversation among the music was impossible to hold. Plus, I don't go out dancing to hook up, I go to drink and be with friends.

Do I seem like a hypocrite? a bitch? Whatever I guess.

I'm still feeling pretty rambunctious from the evening of constant touching of myself so I am going to make my way into my bed and cozy up to my vibe. As a side note though, I may be all content to cuddle up to myslef and wank repetitively, but I'm leaving in 4 months and I will be disappointed if I get no British action before I leave. But anyways, it is said a girl who is having sex is a girl you want to have sex with so off I go to have me an orgasm or three.

Mid-evening Musings

Back from Sainsbury's and eating some wonderful cheese tortolini salad. I've decided I will do my mani/pedi tonight, but have to decide which of the two new colours I want to use. Black or pink. We'll see. I'm also going to read a few articles for lectures and do some crafting. I have to start another project because I can't work on Lily's gift with her around.

It is actually quite nice outside. Slight breeze, crisp cold and patches of gorgeous blue sky in betweem dark and heavy clouds. I bought a magazine also to read at some point over the weekend. I felt like reading a Martha Stewart Living, but they didn't have it. I don't even know if I can get it in the UK at all. Maybe in London.

I've figured out a bit how much money I have left and I think I will jump up from the ipod shuffle to a mini ipod. It's really only about 40.00 more (I know someone who sells them so I get a discount) for 3 more gigs. I'll decide for sure over the weekend. It's not that I'm not sure if I want one, it's whether I can justify the cost right now.

I have been thinking about my breasts a bunch this afternoon. I am wearing a really lowcut shirt today that provides for generous cleavage viewing. I don't really care if other people notice, but I like it. It makes me feel good about myself everytime I notice it and, when I get to the bottom of it, it makes me want to touch them, which makes me want to touch other places. Luckily, I have time to do much of both this weekend if I so choose.

I'm going to go put some pyjama bottoms on because I'm just in the above mentioned shirt and a thong right now (which makes for easy and liberal self-groping - do I suck for even thinking of that?) and I want to go heat up some soup. I also got some Somerset Brie which I'll probably eat a bit later with crackers.

Edited to Add at 18:36: I just read My Messy Bedroom (see sidebar for link) and it included a question about a guy who would buy used knickers as a fetish object. First, I may gross some of you out by saying that I think this is hot. Second, I would totally wear and sell my knickers if the opportunity arose. Then I could so justify the ipod mini.

certified crazy

The instructor of our fun lecture is now officially crazy because she threw a bottle of water at classclown today. He was pointing out something to another member of the little group we were working in whilke someone else was talking and she lost it. I was sitting right beside them and I didn't hear them talking. It's turning into the stressful lecture. I have another lecture after that one, but I didn't go and went to the pub for a drink with classclown and two other girls.

I'm happy to be home now. I tidied the kitchen and made a snack in my fancy heels (3 1/2 inches) and that put me in a good mood. At the pub we were talking and I felt nice and included, but then they were all talking about what they were doing tonight and I felt disincluded. I am into a different scene than them but if they asked me to go, I totally would. I really want to go out this weekend. I also saw stripedcoat at the pub and we talked for a bit and I was glad he stopped because I wouldn't have seen him otherwise.

I must go to Sainsbury's tonight because I have almost no food and nothing that is more than just empty carbohydrates. I just talked to Victoria and she's working all weekend so there's not chance of convincing her to go out. May just be another weekend in doing school work, which is ok really. It's now raining which really makes me not want to go to Sainsbury's because I have to walk.

Towards the end of the day

Today was good. I'm Just eating dinner now (the closest I get to meat and potatoes) and am feeling good and relaxed.

It turns out we get a Ph.D. student to teach us every Thursday now in the fun lecture. But he's not really that engaging and no one pays attention really and it goes as far as people having conversations (though quiet) or gigling through the entire hour. The guy does nothing but continue like everyone's paying attention and it's weird. FUnny but like a waste of time a bit.

I walked home with classclown and another guy from our lectures. Basically they had spent the whole lecture passing a paper in between them and another guy making fun of the instructor and other people in the class. A girl who usually sits with them on that side of the room was sitting inbetween Eliot and I. It turns out Eliot kept staring at her cleavage. I mentioned that he did that to me as well.

We then got into a discussion about how Eliot was the friend because he's approachable and not the guy you're attracted to. I agreed and I said he was quite nice but the continuing awkwardness and shyness was not good. We talked and laughed a bunch more all the way home. The other guy left after failing to convince classclown to go out tonight.

Me and him talked a bit more about how we had no money and when I was leaving. He said that the class would be differnt without me and I responded that, yes, it would be lacking my not talking and not knowing the answer 90% of the time. He said just my presence would be missed. Flattering but he's one of those guys that are charming and not necessarily that sincere about it.

Again though, they were talking about girls being fit and I kind of quietened. I guess I just don't feel that they would put me in that category and it's weird for me. I'd hate to think I'm in the "friend only" category. But I still feel good. Work to do and gingersnaps to eat tonight.

One last thing, I was thinking how I said I'd post what I'm looking for in a guy and I don't think I will. I think it's becoming clear as I go along. And I really don't have a type. Smart, creative, respectful and clean are really the only universal things and the first two can mean a bunch of different things.

a proper morning

I actually got up at a time that was reasonable to when I have to leave the house. I've showered and am reading an article in a book that I have to return today. I will even maybe get to read an article in a another book so I can return it. I will definately be having an actual breakfast.

I haad dreams last night. Lots of stuff not related to eachother.

A giant party when I was really drunk an a friend was having problems with something.
The waitress at the bar not giving me what I ordered and refusing to give me the right thing.
My flatmate from home almost hooking up with young downstairs boy and it upsetting me.
Repetitively walking through a restaurant that was in a solarium type thing with lots of plants and yellow and blue and white. Italian or Greek food.
Being at my mothers flat the next morning and it's messy as if we've had a party there. My mother is out of town and I have to clean it up before we leave. People from my fun lecture are on the patio eating ice cream for breakfast. And the friend mentioned above is cooking mini hotdogs in a wok full of water and they keep falling out.
Talking with a guy in an expensive black car. I don't now what the topic was or who he was.

Interesting all around.

Upon my return

I am feeling much better now. We didn't actually watch the film because barely anyone showed up and we watch an episode of "Black Books" instead and went down to the pub and talked and stuff like that. Lily and Pink (a friend I have met through Lily) are going to get together and craft on Sunday which will be great fun. I met a new person who seems really cool, but we didn't talk all that much.

I saw stripedcoat for the first time since "the night" and it was a bit awkward at first and I knew it shouldn't be. By the end of the night we left together and he walked me to the bus stop on his way into town. I'd like to ask why he thought I wouldn't kiss him (It's true, but how did he know, because I didn't think anything about me was saying that because I wasn't thinking it) but it's not that important. I'm just glad we're starting to build an actual friendship.

I'm glad I walked there too. It took an hour and it was cold but Hawksley made me feel good and I did feel refreshed when I arrived. I ran into classclown as I was leaving and talked a bit, but I was being wierd because I was just in general feeling a bit off. I think it would be fun to go out with some of the people from that lecture. I know they sometimes hang out together, but because it's my only lecture with them, I'm a bit of an outsider.

I have tons of stuff to do tomorrow before heading into campus around 1:00 so I'm going to go to bed now so I can get up reasonably early. I feel like going out dancing but have no plans to until the 12th. Maybe I can convince Lily to go out next week after the film. Two bars have good nights on Wednesdays, but she's broke so we'll see. I want to go though.

On my way

Well, I am going to walk to the film tonight. It's kind of far, but I need the air I think. I'm taking my diskmac which I hardly ever do. (I want an ipod shuffle sooooo bad!) Hawksley Workman is in it. I have my hair tied up in a pony tail and my long bangs are kind of swept to the side, but mostly in my face. I'm wearing jeans and my new runners, with a blue shirt that's got a deep v-neck and is cut the same way in the back. I'm got a pink and blue arm warmer made by a wonderful woman on my arm. Almost completely jewerly free except the black plugs I always wear in my lobes (2ga).

I'm going to put a pink hoodie on under my black winter coat because it's cold out. I'm taking a small purse that I last used at campus 14 so it is covered in mud, but works best with the diskman. As for make-up, I've just got the standard light pink lip gloss and heavy matt black eyeshadow. It's my "I'm frustrated but want to have fun" look.

I've got to run if I'm going to make it on time.

Things change quickly

So I come home from doing research on a project I'm really enjoying and make some lunch and start looking for some images for the presentation. I'm doing good, am going to start doing vocabulary soon, am waiting to hear from Victoria when she's done work to decide if we'll walk or bus to the film. I'm eating the delicious Gingersnaps and throughly relaxed.

Then Victoria calls and says she's not coming tonight. Not a big deal because they're be a bunch of other poeple there I know (lily, scotsman and others) but it sours me. Then I get down on myself about boys and suddenly a good mood is less than present. It's all just stupid.

I'm irritated for myself for feeling this way.

Keeping it short

I'm not ready for the meeting I have today and I should have done work last night rather than waste the night away with whatever I did. When I get home I will work until I am leaving for the film.

Why is it that crap people get good partners? I know a few situations personally. How does this happen?

I need to shower and I have to leave in 30 minutes. I am so going to be late.