Defeated

Half way through the craft meet the following sentence comes out of the Knitters mouth: "In septemeber I ended a really bad relationship with my boyfriend and moved suddenly." So that's the end of that. I think he'll become a friend though because we do get along well.

I just feel like rubbish though. It's like all these good things I was doing mean nothing and I'm still where I was and I suck. I feel like an idiot and all that other stuff.

I thought I was going to come here and bitch but I can't. I feel bad and I feel some sort of pain that extends so far beyond this and it just feels bad and deep and empty. I'm kind of crying which I know has nothing to actually do with the knitter but I feel stupid all the same. Cryings hard for me now. Crying isn't just an emotional release for me anymore. It's serious sadness - sadness that physically hurts even if it has nothing to do with my dad and england. It just brings it all forward and I feel broken. I couldn't even care about The Knitter right now.

I just rubbed my eyes and now have black all over them from the stunning eye make-up a guy at MAC did for me today. I'm sure it's all over my cheeks too.

I'll probably give more substance tomorrow and not feel as bad. At least I have councelling on thursday.

Added at 11:16:
I'm a bit more sorted now. I guess I just have so much going on emotionally it just gets all caught up. I wasn't upset until I got alone while walking home. I'm still going to go into his work and chat and all that stuff. He'll still get the occasional party invite and all that stuff. I'm jut feeling a bit frustrated by it is all. In time I will find a new guy I am interested in and be just as flirty and such with him. And I will take the confidence I deveolped somehow over the last few weeks to make dealing with that guy easier.

Tomorrow is a new day and I have tons to do in the next two weeks with the move and such. I guess I just feel full of baggage and have an assumption that no one will want to deal with that. Plus I'm weird and not gorgeous and that all adds up to a lot of concessions on another persons part. I know that's negative but it's something present for me and times like this just make it feel more of a focus of who I am.