Finding something

Last night was very nice. Very intimate. Orange was around first and we talked and relaxed. Then Lil boat, who brought me an awesome deck of tarot cards. Then Miranda and her man came (I need a name for him). Then a girl from my craft group came which is super awesome. That was all. We talked and looked at books and ate pandoro.

It was entirely different than Wednesday, but neither was better than the other. This morning a girl in my class (one who didn't come on Wednesday) sent me a message all about how awful her relationship is. And it's part becasue of her self-esteem issues, and part because he's not as sympathetic as she needs. But there's a kid involved and it's not bad enough to just throw away. I have no idea.

Last night Miranda and Orange kept asking where the Filmmaker was and stuff. I was not uncomfortable with it, but didn't want to talk about it too much. They wanted pictures and there was no way that was happening. I wouldn't tell them why. I'm still not really secure about it all. I'm not sure if I'm that attracted to him, looks or personality. I need to keep him out of my friends group for a little while.

After everyone left I answered a text of his from earlier in the evening and we ended up on the phone for a bit. I also got a text from CRB saying Merry Christmas. That pretty much means he was drunk or lonely or both. I didn't really know what to think about that. I don't trust that he has good motives at all.

Back to the Filmmaker. I do want to see him more. But I don't want to show him off. I don't want to gush. I'm just in really unfamiliar territory. I know everyone is excited for me and I'm trying really hard (kind of sucessfully) to relax about it. Maybe I want it to be ideal. I mean it's been along time. Maybe I want to be excited and just jump into it. That isn't this situation though.

He's not who I saw myself with. But then I don't know him super well yet. And some things about him are. The things that aren't though really aren't. I need to reconcile that. I'll be honest and say that not only is it new, it's scary. And I don't really want to involve other people in that fear. (Is it true that to get over it I need to?)

I want to go shopping but I'm not sure where. I really just want to buy myself stuff. Plus I have no work until Thursday and I don't want to get everything done this weekend and be bored all week.