My own little world

Having my ipod has made me remember that when I am the only one that can hear the music I become way more introverted. Like I'm in a sparkly little bubble that no one else can be a part of. I am very there at the moment with the aid of Crash Vegas (Canadian band from the 90's that I love).

Classclown hasn't been coming to lectures today and

sorry. I took a break because just as I was writing that he walked passed me in the computer lab and we talked a bit. He has to finsih the assignment for our fun lecture that was due on Monday. I don't know why I commented on not seeing him in a bit but hmmm. I thought about the boy I had the confusing relationship with several years ago. I told the young downstairs boy that I wish I had never met him, but in a way I feel like I've lost him. I guess it depends on how I'm feeling about relationships and boys in general how I feel about this one.

Sometimes I do wonder, in a genuine way, not a pathetic one, when I'll next find myself in a love relationship. Like I half-blame my state of temporary-ness for not dating people (half-blame becasue that's kind of an excuse of other deeper things) but my life is temporary now. A year at home, a year back here for my MA and then who knows what.

The moving thing is like starting a relationship you know will end. And not because you're pessimistic or whatever but be cause you're moving really far away. something real and certain. I do think that makes me hesitant but it wouldn't stop me from dating someone. I don't think.

The truth is that I can only hypothesize about how I would react and feel about dating some one (and have only been able to hypothesize for over a year now) because I haven't even come close to actually dealing with it. That's not entirely true. The boy from december was a possibility in my head and I was going to go for it even though I knew it would be short lived, and when I kind of did he disappeared.

I'm not one to dwell about him, as I had no huge attachement to him. It sucked to lose the friendship but oh well. It's the situation I dwell on. He was sweet to me. Taking me to see things I wouldn't be able to on my own. Sharing his thoughts with me in an open way. Tolerating and even liking my crazy friends. It was those things rather than him I dwell on.

It's almost nostalgic. Like I only faintly rememeber it, but know it was good. That's kind of a sad way to see it, but I'm not that sad about it for whatever reason. When you don't date for a while (or a long time) you're told to just relax and things will happen when they happen, and take care of your self and love yourself, blah blah blah.

I know that stuff is true but I'm doing it. I have a good life in both Vancouver and England. I have great friends, a decent social life, I have tons of interests. But in the end the ralationship thing just isn't happening. I know I tend to like people who aren't proper for me or whatever, but I'm open to people who are. At least I think I am. Maybe I'm not though. Maybe it goes bacj to the night with striped coat knowing I wouldn't kiss him.

Have I made myself too independant? Am I not worrying about it so much that I appear not to want it? Becasue I obviously worry and I obviously want it.

At the end of this I have no answers at all but I'm smiling. Maybe that's the key. This sparkly little bubble. BUt my ipod is off now becasue I was talking to classclown. I guess I want movement and action and answers. I'm getting lots of them in other areas of my life but this one is just so static. Completely where it was an embarrasing long time ago when I finally felt over the Artist. ANd I know for a while after that I didn't want to date anyone but that has not been the case for maybe two years.

I'm open to thoughts and suggestions here. Classclown has the hair that does it for me. Maybe that's the way in which he is hot. Did I just say he was hot after denying it for weeks (months?)? Bloody hell. And he wears FCUK on a regular basis. OK. now my body is reacting and I must leave the room. Good shoes too. I want to look but he's behind me and it's obvious when I do so. ok. sorry, this is seriously stopping now.

I was just killing time here before I go to return two CD's to the cd library and hope that they don't fine me tons for bring them back really late but I guess you all got something much deeper than that. They're only that late because of break but I don't know what they'll do. It's supposed to be 40p a day fine but I couldn't return them while they were closed over break. I'm nervous to go so hopefully it'll be a smooth experience.

I'm wearing my hair down and wavy today and my fringe all pulled to the side with a bobby pin. I think it looks good but it's probably a frizzy disaster. This was quite the late-morning post. feedback always welcome unless it's that you want to date/fuck/meet me. I never said I didnt have problems. Always remember that.

Edited: I'm home now and it's an hour later but I just wanted to say three things:
1. I have a bit of a skewed sense of where my "home" is right now but there's a few songs I can hear that make any space feel like home. i just want to close my eyes and absorb everything.
2. I can't wait until I live on my own again (or with someone I like) so I can walk into the kitchen with no pants on.
3. No more talking about classclown in a sexual way unless I'm acutally sleeping with him- which so won't happen.