Excuses, Part 1

I am lying in bed as I type this. I am trying to go to sleep early. I should be out tonight, considering it's my birthday, but exams have made me lead a life of boredom this week so the party will occur in two weeks after exams. Well there might be some drunkeness before that. We'll see.

I want to start talking about why I don't do casual sex. I'm sure the reasons are kind of all intertwined and I'm still working with them. Honestly, there is a part of me that loves the idea of it. Just doing it for physical release. I have this image of being pinned against a wall, right inside a doorway, with my purse and coat dropped at his feet, and my legs around his waist. Urgent, intense. That part of it is all very attractive to me.

However, for me to be that free with myself, and really let go with someone, I have to be comfortable. There in lies the problem I guess; People don't make me comfortable quickly. I need to feel safe. I need to know he is not going to trash me as soon as I leave the room. I need to know that he cares that I get home safely. If I feel that comfortable with someone it is automatically not casual anymore because that person must at least enjoy my company, have a bunch of respect for me and understand and acknowledge these needs.

I'm one of those people who takes a while to loosen up. Or a few shots of liquor, but even then I hold back a bit. But once you're someone I'm comfortable with, I become an open book. I will say and do anything I want. It's like some people see me as conservative and boring when they meet me. I'm really just shy. And if someone wants to work at breaking through that, and I don't think it's too hard, because I have been trying really hard to be less shy, there's this silly, open, sexual, happy person.

I've veered from my original point I think. In a way. Also, this isn't just about dating type relationships, but friendships too. I also sometimes think, that if people do see the sexual side of me too early, that...ummm. I don't really know. But it concerns me. I was playing "I never" one night, which for those who don't know, it's basically where one person says something they've never done, and anyone who has done it has to drink. It's fun, you find out good things and you can embaress your friends. It always quickly gets sexual. So I was playing with some guys I had met that night at a party who live in my block and another girl who I was at the party with. I ended up being the only one who had done something and everyone was kind of shocked. Now I didn't hesitate to tell the truth, because I don't care that I did it, but now when I see any of these guys, it's something they know about me and I worry that it affects how they see me.

Maybe this is getting into virgin/slut territory. But I saw two of those guys on the way home from the party I mentioned in my first post. Just to clarify, I had a bra and zip-up hoodie on, but it was unzipped so my bra and lots of cleavage were visible. And now...I don't know. Maybe it's all in my head, but I wonder how they perceive me, because they don't really know me on any other level than this drunk girl who never has boys over, but always seems to be...well...I don't know. Maybe it's all in my own head.

I don't know what got me to this point. I guess it's about how I am sexual and I want that to be out there and I want someone to experience it with me, but it can't be the only part of me they know. In a way it's as if, if someone doesn't like one part of me, I don't really want them to like any part of me. I need to be seen as a complete person. I can't separate me sexuality from my intellect so why should I let someone else do so? Woah, I've actually never seen it that way until now.

So there it is. I think this touches on way more of my personality than I initially intended it to. Either you're now bored to death, or you wish you really knew me. Kidding.