Secrets

I received a big confessional email this morning from a friend. We live in countries that are far apart now, but when we did live closer together we were close. Now we're closer. The email really had nothing to do with me until I asked about a name reference she made, so she explained in more detail than she had told to people previously.

(This is a self-indlugent, rambling, circular post. I came to no conclusions and there is still much to be said and clarified. I'm working on it.)

So it got me thinking about what we tell other people and what we tell ourselves. This blog, this is something only the above mentioned friend knows about and no one else I actually know. Well they might know through her, but not that it's me. And I wanted it that way. Because, in a way, this is all about things I can't say because I don't know how people will see me. Part of me doesn't care who likes me or what people think, but then there's part of me that does care and just wants to feel included. The people in my life do know the real me, I can not be anyone other than myself, but they don't necesasrily know all of me. Is that how it's supposed to be?

Then there's the things, the personal truths, that you are too scared to tell to others because it means that they are truths to you, and they are things you don't want to say about yourself, or fears and concerns you don't want to admit. I think I'm admitting a lot of these things to myself finally, but still saying them aloud is another thing. Like we all have moments of doubt and insecurity. But they are more real if other people know about them. But if other people know them will that make them not like me?

It's not like I have this big shallow group of friends. A few close friends and lots acquaintances is how I'd say it. But I'm always on the perifery of the groups. Always the person people can confide in because I'm not too involved, but I know the players. Sometimes that's nice and other times it's sad. I know it's my fault I stay at this distance. I have issues, which is I'm sure obvious by now. But it's all stuff that I have needed to develop over the years to protect myself from what I see as my natural being. Being involved is scary. It means you rely on others and you have to put parts of you on display. I'm not good at that. I am good at being self-contained and protected.

I wish I was more even. I wish that things were simpler in my head. I wish I was more relaxed. I wish that I didn't see everything and have to decide what it means. But I do. I am getting a lot better at not doing this. But part of that has been admitting the things you actually do. The storm before the calm maybe?

For quite a while, because it's way easier in a way than what I'm doing now, I didn't care about being in a replationship and I just stayed away from them. But it's kinda of lonely and not very productive. It got me into the big pit where I don't trust my instincts, I doubt my worth, I don't know what I'm doing at all. And that's not who I am in every other area of my life. I am confident, realistic, optimistic. And that's what I project. So when I'm anything other than that, it's weakness and not how I want to be. But sometimes, it's really who I am.