It just took me like 6 tries to type the title so bear (?) with me here. I'm drunk and I probably shouldn't be typing anything but that's part of what I want to type about.
1. it shouldn't be a game, this boy meets girl thing. there's always a loser is games. even if the game is a draw, someone just wants to kick someone elses arse next time more.
2. The only time I am comfortable enough si when I am drunk, but then I don't know what any one is saying with their accents. Despite the accents being part of the allure in the first place.
3. I'm not ready to go to bed, and I want to knock on the downstairs boys' flat. I can hear people up, but I don't know if it's appropriate.
4. I was so drunk tonight (and still am) that a boy may have been interested but I was too drunk to communicate.
5. This whole meeting someone thing is awful. half of me just wants to be pushed up against a wall, fucked and called dirty names, but the other half wants someone to walk home with at the end of the day. SO I guess I really want both, but I am concerned that's too much to ask.
6. The downstairs boy, I don;t think he could shove me up against a wall and it's too much risk. Last time I even considered taking that risk, I ended up not hearing from the guy.
7. Sometimes I think it's because I'm not thin. I don't think I'm fat either, that is a word whose deifinition varies. If I was thin the downstairs boy might not intimidate me as much by him being so thin, and I might be more willing to risk something. Or if I was thin, maybe guys would approach me easier. But then, I wouldn't want the attention because of that. I would just think all those guys are arses.
8. I had lots of fun tonight, but I feel lacking. I was kind of talking to a boy but see number 4 for why that may not have worked.
9. I just feel like I'm old enough to be done with all the shit, but then my experience is that I'm not, but I just don't have the patience or the energy to wade through it all.
I don't know what all this is. I have this concept in my head that it should be simple, but ti's so not. And I wish it was. I just don't know what to say toher than that. Even if I wasn't half interested in downstairs boy I'd still feel awkward about knocking on their door. I still feel awkward about my whole life sometimes and I so don't want to. I want to be done with it all and I just wish it were easy. Maybe there'll be a more clear post when I wake up tomorrow (around 3 or 4 pm) or maybe I'll just let this be as it is. Becasu this is really what it is. I am confused, kind of irrationally insecure and I don't know how to behave. I don't know how to get what I want. Just being myself and going about my life isn't working. I've been doing that for a long time.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Party environment
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2 comments:
From a guys point of view, I'd like...if I may, to take each of your points in turn.
Firstly, let me say that it's commendable leaving your words here when you know what kind of state of mind you were in when you wrote them. The easiest thing to have done is delete it all, or even worse, edit it somewhat. So yeah, good for you for keeping it here.
Anyway, I digress.
1) It is a game unfortunately, such is how life unfolds. Maybe the secret is to 'end' the game in a stalemate when you're happily with somebody. That way there would be no losers, only winners. But like you say, it is a game and it's shit...just shit when you end up the loser.
The people who just wanna kick someone's arse next time are just bad players.
Oh...I'll shut the fuck up about games, cos I've confused myself now. Quick, move on....
2) Drinking lots makes everyone feel much more themselves. You say it happens to you, I'd agree it happens to me and I don't know a single person who wouldn't agree in some way, shape or form. You allow yourself to lower your defenses slightly and if you're the kind of person who hies your true emotions behind a mask, then that also slips a little.
The thing that confuses me though is...when you're drunk...do you speak more truthfully,more from the heart...or do you just say things (true or false) because you don't have very good control over your immediate thoughts. Yeah...that one I'm still thinking about.
3) How much did you have to drink, or rather, how much was your mind drunk, because had I have been in your position I would have been down there without experiencing the 'maybe not appropriate' thoughts. He could have heard you moving around upstairs and been secretly hoping his door would knock.
4) So, you were very drunk then? It does beg the question "was he genuinely interested in you, or did he see how drunk you were and hope that was his green light"?
5) It's in no way too much to ask. Obviously I can't speak for all guys, but from my own point of view just those two simple things you mentioned are nothing short of a must. How can I not want to walk home with someone and do all the other romantic and caring things. Couple that with the thought of both liking being spontanious, doing such things as a quickie in some poorly lit doorway...and surely you have just two of the many things couples want with each other.
So to answer your question, admitedly in a long winded way...No, it's not too much to ask. Otherwise, surely that would mean you're lowering you're standards.
6) I don't feel qualified to comment on this one. I've had a spliff as well, so I'll skip this one if you don't mind.
7) You sound confused about this thin/fat thing. In fact, you've also confused me. I don't understand you saying if you were thinner, you wouldn't be intimated by the boy as much??? I don't understand that at all.
Guys worry about their weight and size as well, you know, we're just not as vocal as girls are. People get too wound up over 'what is acceptable in society this week'.
The size of a girl wouldn't be a big factor in a decent guys eyes. It's the tossers who comment on girls being fat, or the wrong shape or no tits or whatever that give guy's expectations a warped view.
8) See my answer number 6.
9) You'll get through, somehow we all will. Maybe we don't feel happy with ourselves until we've experienced almost every kind of emotion..from euphoria to heart break no'3...and when we've waded through all of that, maybe that's when we find somebody who's almost deserved of us.
A friend of mine said to me recently, that she couldn't stay with her boyfriend because she'd experienced so much in her emotional life, and she was his first real love. They weren't getting on anymore and after thinking long and hard about him, she realised that he was nowhere near emotionally educated as she was, and she saw that as almost a weakness in their relationship.
I'm still pondering about this one, I'll let you know if something mind-blowing appears.
Outro...I can understand what you've said, even from the opposite side of the sex tree.
I dunno, maybe look at it this way....if it was so easy to get with somebody/be with somebody, then relationships would be even shorter than they are nowadays, because people wouldn't make the effort for long, knowing that if it failed, they would 'easily' be with/get somebody else.
Get me?
No?
I'll get my coat...
First off, I am shocked in a way by the extent of the comment but how good.
Second, a lot of what I was thinking last night is feeling more distant today.
2. Personally, when I'm drunk I definitely say what's on my mind. I still think about it though, I just have more courage and don't feel like i have to protect myself so much. I am a very stable drunk if one can be. Like if something bad happens, I'm the first one to get my shit together and figure out what to do. I usually don't forgot conversations or events either.
3. This goes to the above of always thinking. Plus by the time I got home I had a walk outside on my own to sober up a bit and hadn't had a drink in about an hour. On another note, the downstairs boy with the girlfriend came up to my flat today to borrow something and I asked if thye wanted to go to the bar tonight and they said maybe depending on how good their magical brownies were. He also said that sometimes they don't hear the door and if no one answers when I knock, but I can hear they're home, I can just walk in. So that's good.
4. Today I don't even care. He was, upon reflection, being kind of an arse so whatever. But ya, I always consider that when it comes to drunk uni boys.
6. I have no new thoughts on the downstairs boy but they'll be here if and when I do.
7. I'm going to do a whole post on this another time because it deserves it.
9. My potential response for this one also gets it's own post. I've been though a lot emotionally and that's lead to a lot of the self-preservation habits I've developed. Emotional risks are really scary for me. They are to most, but I have special considerations.
I get you, but that doesn't make it the least bit easier. However, I feel much better today and consider that a good thing.
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