Deserving the truth

I'm am wrtitng this before reading the comment on the last post because I can't handle comments right now. So I was writing that last post and realized I was holding back. I then went to my other blog where the people who read it know me in real life and consists of my family and friends. There I broke down in tears and explained what was really at the heart of my mood this evening. The tears have stopped now but I'm still a little shaken. You see, the thing is, there is something about me that you don't know. Considering all the things you do know that no one in my life has any idea about, it's weird. But it's something that's hard to understand for some people and it's something that is scary for me because I think sometimes that I'm over it and I can leave it behind me and not have it be a part of myslef now.

Basically, when I was about 16 I was diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder, which is basically chronic depression that comes and goes with the seasons because of the particular chemical my body lacks. With several different kinds of therapy I got control of it by the time I was 19. But those years were insanely hard. I felt disconnected from the world, I couldn't leave my house for days at a time, I would hardly eat, I lost friends. I did get control of it though and things got better. However, from that I developed a generalized panic disorder. This basically means that randomly I have major panic attacks. I have fainted in public, I have heart palpitations, my vision goes blurry, I can't breath, I feel nauseous. I have it pretty under control and in 2004 only had two attacks, but the possibility of one is a constant thing in my life.

This is why I analyse everything and I'm so scared to just leave things to go how they're supposed to. This is why when I get into a bad mood it quickly spirals: it's awful to think I'm going back to that place. This is why I have such a hard time letting people get close to me. I have to work my arse of every single day to not let this past get to me and I can't afford someone else coming into my life and fucking with that. I have worked too fucking hard to get where I am. I am a bit more calm now, but it's scary. I don't want to go to Birmingham now, because the last trip I took, though wonderful ended 3 days early because of the panic attacks. I don't want to go through that again. I know it's foolish. I know it's irrational. Despite all that it's still terrifying to think that could ever be my life again and to remember how bad I felt for so long.

This is the other side of me. Not the girl who is obsessive about guys, or who goes out drinking and dancing, or who wants to go shopping for new make-up and cute bras. I'd rather be that girl all the time, and since I moved here I have been that girl 96% of the time - it is who I am. But days like this I lose it and I get frustrated and upset. I don't really have any one here I can go to either. My good friends know about the panic in case we're out and I have an attack, they know where my medication is, but I don't feel like I can call them up in tears. That makes the friend and boyfriend finding daunting for me. I know that anyone close to me is also going to have to deal with it. I can hardly cope sometimes, so why would someone rightly choose to by being around me? I know that the answer is that the good me is worth dealing with the occasional mess of emotions and the good people will know it. That's hard to always believe though.

This whole evening has turned into this giant self-absobed mess. Normal stuff shall return tomorrow I hope. I'm going to go see if I can read that comment now without crying or something. Maybe I'll go make some tea too. I bought Somekind of berry tea with vanilla at sainsburys and it smeels good. Maybe a credit card and the lingerie department at M&S is the answer.