Methods of Measurement

So. Weight. Blah. I hate that it's an issue. I ahte to admit that I care because I know that I shouldn't. See there's no way for you out there to know what I look like, so you all get to create your own ideas about this. That's kind of weird becasue thin/fat is so based on the individual and the words mean so little on their own. That said here I go.

I don't consider myself fat, but I know that some people have. I am not thin. I used to be a dancer, and even at the most intense time of dancing I was always the most un-thin everywhere. But there were always so many girls that were so tiny I found it odd. I eat fairly well and pay attention to eating properly. I could be more active, but I do what I can and do more at times than others. I am really comfortable and at ease with my body. I know what parts I like most, and I show them off. I dress to work with my body. I'll never squeeze into something too small or try to cover myself with things that are too big. I know that even if I lost weight I will never be model thin, or even thin to any real definition - it's more about shape than weight.

First of all, and this is weird but I know of a very few other people who feel the same way, skinny guys freak me out. It's not that I don't find them attractive, or wouldn't date them, but I'm more insecure around them. I really don't know why, but I'm working on it. I think it has to do with a fear of them making jugdements quicker on my own weight. Or that they're going to be settling for something less than they could have. I know those both reflect on my own insecurities. I may be comfortable with myself, but I never said I was comfortable with others. People come from different backgrounds and you don't know what someone thinks. Plus, these days there's so much diet-garbage constantly around and popular conceptions of body size is getting so screwed up that what we see is often not matched in reality so you never know what someones image of overweight is. I also have a prefernce for guys that make me feel physically surrounded. This usually has way more to do with height but there's something about a guy standing or laying behind you and making you feel wrapped up. I don't know if that sounds like what I want it to but there you go.

Second thing is that...umm, I kind of covered it up there. That like people are going to feel like they're settling and I don't want to be a consolation prize to someone. Like the hotter girl turned them down so over they come. Or that there's this thing about me that is not quite what they imagined their partner being like. I know that there are tons of guys out there who don't give a shit. I've dated them. I've never actually had comments about my weight either so I don't know where it comes from but it's there.

I don't know what about last night made me think about it. There were girls there who were bigger than me and I looked great. I think I kind of got into complain mode and everything just came out. Usually I couldn't care less and don't want to even be friends with people who do. There it is I guess. Over and Out.