to be touched

I was just lying on my bed trying to get the energy together to go to Sainsbury's for some groceries. There was good music in the back ground and only fairy lights illuminate the room. Tonight I feel far away from the world.

I miss being touched lovingly. In all honestly, I can handle the lack of orgasms induced by another person. It would be nicer to have some but it's not like I'm constantly sexually frustrated. This feeling is not about sex. I want someone to hug, or who will rest their hand on my thigh. To feel someone breathing on your neck while you lie in bed, and feel their breathing slow and deepen and they get more and more relaxed. Sometimes it's that I miss most.

That phsycical intimacy is not replaceable. You can't give it to yourself. You're friends can't give it. A one night stand can't give it. It's got to be someone you like and enjoy spending time with and who makes you feel as relaxed as you do in the bath just because their skin on yours is warm and soft.

There's this one guy that has been in and out of my life for years. I am not physically attracted to him, and there are so many parts of his personality I really dislike. We never dated, or even kissed. Through much of our friendship he was dating someone else. But in these times, I think of him and a night where he came to my flat. We watched a film that we mostly talked through. He didn't leave till 8:00 am. Most of that night was me with my head resting in his lap and his hand rubbing my stomach. I drifted to sleep occasionally. We talked a bit. He touched my hair. That feeling of closeness is what I miss. That tenderness and that contentment.