evening out

This could be read one of two ways. That I spend the evening out, or that I am evening myself out. Well glance at the time of this post quickly and it is not the first. I talked with an old friend for the first time in around 2 years today, as well as another friend who might be visiting me for a few days in the spring. Also a bit of chant with the Artist, scotsman and Victoria.

I also did laundry, made a good and healthy dinner and returned my books. I didn't do any school work or go for a run. I read My Messy Bedroom today and it spoke to me. I have an inward and private sexual confidence, but it rarely is seen by others and is easily broken. I'm working on it.

It's weird because I flip from feeling like I have no friends to felling like I have a life more amazing than any I could have expected and I realized walking back from the library only the positive one is true. I have to keep working on my confidence and openness and all the good things that have been coming to me will continue to to to me.

I think this might mean I have to seriousy commit to running again and getting in better shape. I was watching Queer as Folk last night and Michael and Ben were making out and their backs were so muscular (without being gross and bulky though) and it was really hot. I am happy with my body as mine, but I am not happy about how I think it is seen. It really gives me a reason to feel badly about myself and it's something I can change. I can't change that I have emotional issues. I can't change that I am a bit perverse. But I can change how I feel about my body.

I know it sounds easy but I have these things holding me back that I know aren't rational and I have to get over them. First is that I kind of feel that by losing wieght I'm somehow caving into some crap beauty startard that I don't believe in and will never really fit into. I also have this worry that what if I lose weight and I'm still not "good enough". But all these things are just excuses and I have to move past them. I have changed a lot of things aboutmyself this year for the better and I must be able to do this. Of all the things I can do, this really should be one of the easier ones.