It's my fault.

well I'm feeling more depressed and more sick as the day wears on. I would like to go to SAinsbury's but I don't really feel comfortable going out on my own right now (hence no lectures). I called Victoria to see if she would like to walk with me but she's not home and I left a voicemail.

When the Artist broke up with me I was a mess. I spent a good several days crying. It happened while my mother who liked him a lot was on Holidays and right at the end of summer break. I went back to school and friends were asking about him and I just couldn't talk about it. I told a few people and they took care of making sure people knew so I wouldn't have to talk about it. I slowly got sloser with a few people as I didn't spend lots of time with my friends outside of schhol becasue I was either dancing, working or spending time with the artist, who lived about 1 hour away from me and was also working and going to school.

As a large part of my sexuality developed with him I faced a very real problem of not feeling that it was mine. It took me a good several months to get over him, get my own life re-established, get my sexuality revived and figure out who I was on my own. Through out all this I was still working through depression and anxiety. I almost quit school six months before graduating. I was having problems at dance/work becasue of my injury and conflict with my choreographer. I ended up only in classes every second day and helping plan our graduation on the other day. By the end of the year I had way more friends than I ever had before and was doing quite well. I really didn't want to date anyone becasue I was really enjoying my life as it was.

This continued for a long time. I dated a tiny bit when someone else showed interest but nothing that went anywhere and I never expected it to. I changed jobs, I moved out of my moms, I shifted friends a bit, hosted some great parties, but had continuing problems with my anxiety. It was New Years eve of 2001 that made me decided I that I was actually ready to be looking for people. I made out with a boy who continually persisted all night and he wanted to come home with me but I had a friend sleeping at mine and It wasn't appropriate. I gave him my number and then never heard from him. About three weeks later I found out he had told his sister (who was friends with my friends) we had slept together. His hands never even went below my fucking waist. I was flattered that he wanted to sleep with me but everyone believed me more than him.

The reason they believed me is that it didn't sound like me. Many of them were surprised I had even made out with him. None of my friends had ever seen me even really interested in someone because I hadn't been in so long. I also started to realize I didn't know how to do any of it. The flirting, the dating. It was like I was 14 years old, and even then I didn't really care about boys.

Also, as the anxiety progressed it made me worrid about being in a relationship. Would someone want someone with so many issues? I have a chronic mental disability. That's putting in it drastic terms because it's very controlled now, but in essence it's true.

The core of it is I'm scared. I'm scared that someone is going to decide it's too much for them and I'll have to start again. I also have this great life and someone would have to fit in it. I'm moving to another continent in 6 months and then in two years want to move back here. They have to like my friends. They have to not be jealous that all of them have touched and/or seen my tits. The only people I ever really like are people I don't really know or know that there's nothing that will ahppen. It's low risk.

There was map boy. I met him and he lived in my living room in Canada for two weeks. I never thought I'd see him again and I liked him a lot. I could fantacize all I wanted because I'd never see him again. Then I get an email once I'm here and he has returned early and lives a 30 minute train ride from me. We saw each other several times and got along great and I liked him. He even got along well with some of my friends. I tried to get over it, but couldn't. There was the problem that he would be leaving again, but I have been a bit of new person since being here and decided I would go for it anyways. We had plans to see each other for drinks and a film before I went to the continent for 3 weeks. He said he'd call me the night before to confirm what time he'd be picking me up.

I left him a drunk email over the wekend that included me saying I was going to miss spending time with him once he left and what film I wanted to see that week. I never heard from him again. I left two voicemails on spearate days asking him to call and let me know what, if anything, was going on becasue I knew he was busy with a new job and I didn't hear a thing. This was hard on me. It really undermined the little boy-confidence I had developed.

I'm going to stop now becasue this is long and depressing. Today is a day where I want to cry and be held and there's no one to do any holding. And the idea of finding someone who would be willing to do it, when I really have no reason to be crying, it's just sort of involuntary seems impossible. And this isn't an aspect of my personality I can change. Ya, it's not as bad as today as you have witnessed, but it happens and I can't just avoid it. Everytime I tell someone and then that person leaves my life, doesn't matter what capacity they were in it, I have a really hard time. And I really need to keep myself as happy as I can and they conflict.