call me what you will

Well it's early but I'm exhausted. I'm currently eating vanilla ice cream and will be on my way into the bath as soon as this is done. I was reading but I kept being distracted by my own breasts, which is really a hint that I should be doing something else. I also just couldn't keep focused on the book and was pretty bored.

I have been thinking a lot today about different things. First, I wish my life were more exciting. I know I have to make it so and if I'm not going to make it happen it's not going to. I kind of need a plan or something. I do tend to not turn down invitations at all though. I would have to have a really good reason to do so. But here, where I still don't know many people the invites are less frequent. I'll have to think more about this.

I won't be doing that thinking today or tomorrow though. Today after my bath, I am going to try to sleep early (with an interlude of self-gratification, of course). I need to get my sleeping schedule back on track or I'm just going to be tired and stressed all term. Tomorrow I really have to focus on getting some reading and studying done. And I need to make a morning trip to Sainsbury's.

Another thing I've been thinking about is some of my early thoughts of sex. MonMouth (of Rentboy Diaries) has made some posts recently about classes to improve the sexual talents of British males (which I unfortunately am unable to comment on yet). These have reminded me of dreams I used to have before I was sexually active in any way, and even before I cared about boys really. They basically revolved around sexual instruction in various settings. Now I think about how I don't even understand where that knowledge to think that came from.

I was one of the last people in my group of friends growing up to care about guys, but I was one of the earliest to actually be sexually active. I did have a couple of quasi-sexual experiences with girls when I was 10-13 years old, but It wasn't out of lust so much as curiosity. I also remember being 13 and having two of my friends ask me what an orgasm felt like. I hadn't even kissed anyone at that point so I have no idea why they asked me, but they thought if anyone would know it would be me.

Do you ever feel like sometimes you're different than those around you? Like your brain works different. Or you've seen things that some people will never understand. Or your experiences distance you from people. Sometimes I feel that way. It's not a superiority thing, just a differnce thing. I often wonder if the fact I think this way is why I'm home for most of the weekend. Like I have made these things into something that I have to conceal and that people are going to not like or not understand and so they won't like me. Sometimes I'll meet people who I feel fine with, but it's less often than I'd hope.

But what do you do? You can't just reveal everything and hope for the best. Well, I can't at least. I want people around me who get this. I have those people in my life, they're just very far away from me geographically right now. I guess that's all part of life. That search for comfort. With yourself and with others. I've got the comfort with myself part pretty well sorted, but the comfort with others is so lacking. I want it, I really do.

I'm going no where with this. As you can tell by now, I'm now about conclusions so much as ideas. I've obviously had too much time on my hands today. time to bathe and then sleep. I hope everyone's weekends are being eventful.