events of the past

I'm warning you all now that this is going to be long, really long (4 pages in word). crap loads of stuff to ponder. Get a drink and some snacks. I recommend Sainsbury's Sweet Thai Chili crisps, but you're free to make up your own mind.

Where to start. You know it's probably not all that exciting, and not the kind of excitement I hoped to be able to report. First, off I'm going to start giving people descriptive names as it's easier. I'll leave the ones so far as is but new people will get descriptive ones. And I'm going to keep track of the songs that are playing while I write.

THURSDAY

6:30: I get to Lily's house early. She has been having a stressful time lately and starting to have panic attacks. I know what that's like so we were going to talk. We ended up meeting some people at a bar about the Uni film club Lily runs and I'm in.

(currently on iTunes: Sweet Euphoria by Chris Cornell)

7:30: We start drinking. Three bottles of wine will be empty by the time we leave her house. We're watching news about Charles and Camilla and looking a magazine. We head downstairs and make me some pasta because I came straight to hers from lectures.

9:00: Lily's scotsman and two of his friends arrive, cheapdrunk (girl) and stripedcoat (boy). Lily and I put make-up one while talking about music and Tarot cards and such. Cheapdrunk has a crush on scotsman and from what I've heard is pretty irritating and has very little personality that is actually her's. I know nothing of stripedcoat, but first impressions are good.

10:00: We arrive at the bar and go in. Another one of their friends, Dakota (girl), is already there. I get a drink immediately (vodka and orange). It will be the first of maybe 8 in the next few hours. I really only need two or three on top of all the wine, but others are buying them for me so I don't turn them down. The guest DJ is a girl and really good so we're just hanging out until the band starts. cheapdrunk proves to me little more than what I was warned and I am not impressed at all.

(currently on iTunes: Ilfracombe by Hawksley Workman)

Later: Bartender knocks over my freshly poured drink and it gets all over my shirt.

Later: First band starts and it pretty good. Lead singer was pretty cute. stripedcoat and I are talking more. I find out he is gay and also thinks the lead singer is good. I find out he's hoping this guy he selpt with a while ago will show up.

Later: I tell scotsman that I am glad we're getting along because the first time we met (before they were dating) I left him unimpressed because I didn't flatter his hometown but said it was "too far north and struck me as dark" the next time I saw him I ran into him and Lily on the road and we talked for a bit, but I just talked to Lily and felt rude. Things are good now and I guess because we're both pretty shy it took some time.

Later: Stripedcoat and I start talking about gender identity and stuff but it's really loud (band is over but DJ is back on) so we go to the stairwell and start talking. We're totally getting along and it's fun. Our conversation is all about having to define sexuality and how fluid it really is and anyone can be attracted to both genders in different ways and amounts, but it doesn't mean they want to sleep with, or have relationships with both genders. we totally agree on stuff. I'm not sure where dakota is at this point, but we were also getting along well.

(currently on iTunes: Music when the lights go out by The Libertines)

Later: The second band has started and Lily has found us. We go back into the main room and watch the band they are good. Female lead singer which I think is super cool. Stripedcoat gets me to try his bourbon and I am not impressed and I chase it with my vodka and orange. They are taking me about 5 minutes each to drink. He goes to buy me another and comes back with two, one is gin because he forgot what I asked for. I can't tell the difference between them, but I love gin too, so I drink them both.

(currently on iTunes: You've been Flirting Again, remixed by Bjork)

Later: we're dancing and striped coat comes up to me. Full of sex in his actions he puts his arm around my waist and leans into my ear and says "I really want to kiss you right now, but I have a feeling you wouldn't let me." I don't really know what I did but Lily later told me that she saw us move apart from each other oddly and stripedcoat walk away, and she wonder what had happened. I remember then leaning against the wall, with my hands in my head and saying that I fucked up and embarrassed myself. Lily want to know what happened, but I just said I needed another drink. She said to look for cheapdrunk who we hadn't seen in a while.

(currently on iTunes: Apologies to Insect Life by British Sea Power)

Later: I am looking for cheapdrunk and I eventually find her by the said of the bar ordering a drink. I leave her there and then some time passes. I go back to the bar to get a drink and she's still there but she looks like she's not in good shape. She has a drink in her hand, and I ask what it is. She says something I can't understand so I have some and it's thankfully just water. I tell her to keep drinking it and I get another glass of it with my own drink. I eventually sit her down and tell her to drink all the water. I'm kind of irritated with her, so I'm swearing a lot - "drink that fucking water and don't stop until that glass is fucking empty" and that sort of thing.

(currently on iTunes: Maggie's Farm by Rage Against the Machine)

Next: I want to have more fun and the DJ is back on and I find dakota on the dance floor and we dance for a bit. I go back with a new glass of water to cheapdrunk and Lily and the scotsman are worried because she's starting to pass out and not drinking the water. She also can't really talk and can't at all keep her head up. I'm pissed at this point because I want to be having fun and not taking care of some girl who doesn't know her drinking abilities. I'm also getting worried because I can't find stripedcoat and I feel awful about it. I drag cheap drunk to the toilets where I proceed to put her head in the sink and make her drink and pour cold water on her head when she refuses. I'm swearing even more now and telling her I'm going to kick her ass if she doesn't keep drinking the water. People in the toilets are a bit freaked out but are supportive of what I'm doing. I also somehow broke a wine glass in one of the skins through out this.

(currently on iTunes: No, Not Now by Hot Hot Heat)

Meanwhile: Dakota has phoned stripedcoat and found out he's left and I think it's my fault when I find out.

Next: I've sobered cheap drunk up and we find Lily and the scotsman who want to leave, so we all leave to find striped coat. We get the the main square of the city and Stripedcoat tells us via mobile he'll get home on his own. I talk to him and he has no idea where he is, other than by a church. I find out he left not because of me but because this other guy didn't show up. I feel better and I hear him get in a taxi so we end the phone call.

(currently on iTunes: Walking in my Shoes by Depeche Mode)

Meanwhile: Lily has started to have a panic attack and is scared and understandably wants to get to her home. Dakota leaves to get back to hers. Lily is freaked out and her scotsman was worried. I did something which I probably shouldn't have and I gave her one of my tranquilizers. It's a quick active under-the-tongue sedative. She calms down and I talk her though the rest of the attack. We get in a taxi and go back to hers.

2:00: She's settled by the time we get there but the sedative is working and she's tired and other associated things. Cheapdrunk gets a taxi to go back to hers. I give lily and the scotsman some info, the name and dose of the pill I gave her and some parting panic related tidbits and leave them be. I go sleep in one of her flatmates rooms because she's out of town and said it was ok. I feel asleep feeling dizzy and my ears experiencing all kinds of crazy noises that weren't really happening.

(currently on iTunes: Onliest by Feist)

FRIDAY

9:00: I wake up with a killer headache. I lay in bed for a while before getting up. when I finally do get up I almost fall over and realize I'm still drunk. I get some water from the kitchen and look in the mirror. The beautiful black and turquoise make up that looked great the night before has smudged considerably and I decide I can't go to lectures without going home first.

10:00: I get on the wrong fucking bus to get home because I was stupid and drunk and headachy. I get as close to I can to where I'm going and walk for 20 minutes to get to my flat. The sun was bright and I wasn't really going in a straight line. The air was probably god for me though.

(currently on iTunes: Margaret by Jill Sobule)

1:00: My fun lecture was a disaster. I couldn't do anything, and we were doing technical stuff about poetry and meter (not in english either!). I was put in a group with the classclown and I had to explain modern piercing and we barely got anything of what we were supposed to be doing done. Another girl in our group had drank too much the night before too. We were also being loud and I kept swearing at the clown and being very unlike who I usually am in lectures.

2:00: I walked down the hill instead of up it to get to my next lecture because I'm totally out of it. I was 10 minutes late.

(currently on iTunes: Last Night by The Strokes)

3:00: I run into the class clown walking home and we walk together cause we live right near to each other. I apologize for swearing at him and he says he liked it. He asks why I always sit where I do in the room and it's because I like being near the door. He says it's because I like Elliot. I say that's not the case because he's too young and he doesn't drink. He didn't know he didn't drink but says he heard a rumour that Elliot met his girlfriend on the internet. He says it like it's a bad thing and I say gently that it's not that bad but chose not to reveal that I met an ex (the Artist) online. Then he says how people in chat rooms who look for sex are perverted and how he will pretend to be a girl. Then he says that he'll tell them they were wanking of to a guy. I say that's mean and he says they deserve it for being perverts and I said they are only really perverts if he's pretending to be a 12 year old girl. He says he'll do that next time. We talk about our plans for the weekend and he has a date on Saturday. He doesn't want to relationship with this girl, but hopes he'll get some action for the night. I say that good every once in a while and he says it's good as often as possible. We part.

(currently on iTunes: Starla by Smashing Pumpkins)

Later: I eat for the first time since yesterday. A veggie dog with hot English mustard, bbq sauce and mayo.

So there was the stuff. I guess there's two things really that are still rolling around in my head. The first is easier to deal with.

Conversation with class clown shows me that there are people who are totally out of sync with my life and it's realities. Meeting someone online is not that weird or bad. Wanking with someone online is not weird or bad. Maybe I'm more perverted and defective than I think. I don't think that's the case though. I know I have tons of things that I like sexually that would be considered weird but I'm not hurting anyone, or even acting on a lot of it. It makes me feel old, when really I'm just open and experienced.

(currently on iTunes: Stop! In the name of Love by Diana Ross and the Supremes)

Second thing bother me. That's what stripedcoat said. First I can't get a fucking straight guy to hit on me that directly, but a guy one does it after knowing me for 3 hours? What the fucking fuck? Second thing is what the fuck did "but I have a feeling you won't let me" mean? really? What the fuck? do I need to ask again?

I thought about it and you know what, I wouldn't have. If he was straight, I still wouldn't have. I don't know why. That's a big problem for me. And then, how did he know? What about me gave that impression? I'm kind of upset about it mostly because I don't know what it is or how to fix it. I have some work to do.

(currently on iTunes: I can't catch you by Sixpence None The Richer)

That's it for all of you who stuck through this. See not exciting in the way I hoped. I feel good today mostly though. I am glad for the night out and when I wasn't dealing with crisis I had fun. A bit of the release I needed.