Prettiness

Today I feel like everyone around me is coupled. Well not quite true but whatever. I was walking into campus and I saw Elliot halding hands with a girl. As I was walking down some stairs to leave my lecture I saw a guy in my lecture kissing a girl. That's really all the evidence I have and it make a shitty case but there it is. I don't even remember what it's like and I can't see myself in it. Not much more to say there.

In my fun lecture I was in a small discussion group with class clown. The same one as last week actually when I was swearing at him. While the prof basically had something else to do so wasn't in the room while we were in our groups and we got crap done as usually and just chatted with each other about all kinds of stuff. I noticed class clown looking at me several times but he could have just been looking past me becasue he was sitting opposite me at the table.

We also had a discussion about how girls will never say another girl is ugly when asked but will say something like "Well I think she's pretty". Comapre this to boys who will say a friend of theirs is ugly when asked about it. So my position that girls will only do this if the girl in question is their friend because we have a hard time seeing our friends as ugly. We will only say a girl is pretty if she is stunnin g and what I would call "magazine pretty" which isn't as bad as it sounds at all.

But the thing I kept thinking while this was happening was whether I was the girl who is only pretty to her friends. It was kind of depressing. There's another girl in my group who is really pretty and the other girl is also pretty but less womanly about it, you could say. So ya, classclown was possibly looking at me and I was trying to decide if he thought I was ugly or not. That's awful.

I'm feeling better than yesterday but I've got to spend much of tomorrow in the library and I am not feeling particularly sociable. That's not ture, I'm would go out but don't fell that anyone wants me too. I've got to get over this whole "I suck" phase. It's really not good for me at all.