Thinking about time

I was thinking about how quickly the day had gone but then I realized it really hadn't. An d then I was thinking about how my year here is almost over and how it's gone so quick but then I feel like I've been here, in this city, this flat, forever. My Vancouver life seems distant.

Today I did all my usual internet reading, talked to midge and some others, crafted, studied for a little bit, read transcripts, chatted to the flatmates, danced a bit, made a really good dinner. It's not very exciting but it's mine and it's ending. I am happy that I have 6 weeks left of this. Just hanging out and thinking and playing and talking.

The knowledge that I have the ability to make my life in Vancouver into whatever I want it to be is huge. It's not just about redecorating my flat. It's about chainging schools and doing so with the intentions of actually participating in more than just an academic way and wanting to meet new people. It's wondering which friend I'm going to call first - or who's going to call me first. It's wanting to do things in that city that is so very much a part of me that I never considered before. It's wanting to sit in parks and just watch people. Be a regular at the poetry slam night. Find a cool indie gallery in which to find inspiration.

For my last few months in Vancouver my flatmate (now officially titled Titania) and I were sharing the single bedroom. A queen bed and a double left very little space. I was sitting in bed one night with the bedside lamp on. Titania was also in bed but may have been sleeping. I was typing one my laptop and I started to cry, sob might be a better word. I don't know if this was an aloud thing or just what I wrote, but I was so worried that I would love it here that I wouldn't want to come home. In a way I'm worried about the same thing happeneing now.

I have this grand plan to come back here and get my MA and then who knows what but what if I have a renewed love for Vancouver. What if I have a hard time thinking that my nephew who's 4 now will spend some really important years not knowing me. Or my neice who's 9 will get into a hard preteen stage and not have me, potentially her most stable influence (hard to believe I know) around to show her she doesn't have to be like her mom and she doesn't have to always fit in.

Maybe I've spent too much time alone recently or my dad being sick is just weighing on me today (which I always mis-type as toady and it makes me laugh). Part of me has everything sorted but a year is so life-chainging for me at this point. I mean I'm not thinking of not coming back but these emotions are just all over the place and heavy and full of ambiguous possibilites.

I've been thinking about saying goodbye to people here and I think so many more people have had an impact on me more than I have on them. Don't get me wrong, I've made lots of friends and lots of people mention me to Lily or whatever but it's something else. Like it's no big deal to everyone that the years over becasue they're all coming back and everyones so close together geographically but it's so much bigger than that.

Like Politics boy. He was with us on the first night I went out drinking here. I danced, I took pictures, I flirted with hot indie boys. He said hello to me in halls and we talked about music and films and he's the reason I got to giggle through Alien vs. Predator. But it's not like we're that close. I can't even get in touch with him without Lily's help. But there's people like him that really had a profound part in me seeing a whole bunch of stuff about myself that just doesn't make sense to them. I just want to hug everyone I met and was nice to me made me realize I was fun to hang out with and rememberable or were with me when I was happier and more at ease than I've been in years.

It really sucks leaving a life behind. I know I'll like the one in Vancouver but it's still really sucks to leave the one here. It's getting late though and I'm going back and forth in between tears and laughter and I just have six weeks to be here. And Vancouver's going to be different; people have moved, made new relationships, friendships, changed jobs, shops have opened, shops have probably closed. My cat might be bigger. I'm going to have to find my place in it and part of me doesn't know where to start other than with where my place was before but I know that's not where I want to be really.

P.S. I am in love with the H&M strawberry facemask and want to bring piles of it home with me.