Evolving Self-Image

I finished watching the film I was watching earlier. It's wonderful. I'm still feeling really sore and a long bath might be warranted in the morning. The flat downstairs (not the one with the downstairs boys) it having a party and being really loud. Normally I'm not too fussy about noise but there lots of banging on tables and lots of horrible house music. I hope they go out but it's getting a bit late and every minute that passes means there is less chance that they will go out. Oh, actually it looks like they might be moving to the block across the yard. Perfect.

So I hope I didn't offend with the last post. I fear from a comment that I may have and I certainly had no intention to at all. I did put a long response there but it does have me thinking. Although, I'm not really sure what I'm thinking about and so it's foggy.

I guess I've been getting told recently through this that I'm sexy and I'm reacting oddly. I thank everyone who has done so, but I have undefined feelings towards it and I'm not sure why. I'm going to list some random points regarding this and some will certainly be clearer than others, and some will relate more than others.

1. I'm not used to people seeing me as a sexual object. My friends don't do it and I haven't be involved with anyone on a sexual level in a long time. It's unfamiliar.

2. On an intellectual level I know I'm sexy both in a physical and mental way. But everyday I'll see myself in the mirror or something and I lose all perspective that I'm even attractive. And it's not just in the way that everyone is a bit insecure sometimes. I have two pairs of pants/trousers right now. They were both bought before I moved here. RIght now they are both starting to need to be replaced just becasue I wear them a lot and they are getting worn. However, it is really hard to find jeans that fit. I have been wearing the exact size and cut of GAP jeans for two years now pretty much. But here, they don't sell them in sizes big enough for me. I'm currently in an internal panic because I don't know if I'll find jeans that fit me. I've considered asking the person who is visiting me next month to bring me a new pair from home. I'm also going to check in London GAP's and see if they have a wider size range. So I guess the point of all that is that it's not all in my head.

3. I fear that when people say I'm sexy they're ignoring other parts of me and it makes me uncomfortable. I get messages telling me how sexy I am, but none when I feel like shit. And the last few days I have felt like shit. Describing myself as hopeless and pathetic don't strike me as sexy.

4. I really want to be validated but not for one thing, but everything. I don't that's what I want people who read to do, but that's one of the things I want in someone to date. "You're sexy, but I want to have a conversation with you." Maybe that's why I feel weird about one line emails that just say I'm sexy. I appreciate it, but it makes me feel objectified in a way (not necessarily in a bad way either) I have never been before and I don't know how to react to it.

5. I don't see lots of the little sexual details as sexy when I probably should because they are. I just see them as details of my life. Like I went to sainsburys, I did some homework, I wanked, I crafted and I talked to Lily. All everyday things with equal value in a way. I guess in my real life I know this is not the case because my friends certainly don't know all these things about me unless they've asked or it's come up in a drinking game. I wish these things weren't things I have to keep guarded from my life and that is partly why they come out here.

I'm going to leave it there for now. I hope I haven't offended anyone or made you less likely to comment or email. I'm working through this as I go and sometimes I don't know how I am going to take something and my reaction is also changing and evolving. I also know I tend to take things really personally when they shouldn't be so and analyze everything. Both of these things are also things I'm trying to change. If I'm going to say whatever I want here, I have to be prepared and open for how others are going to react to it.

Last thing. Last night Dakota and her friend Wavy were with stripedcoat and I. I like them both a lot. They are both prettier than me and thinner, but very normal bodies and stuff. Dakota looks like Audrey Hepburn a bit though and I'd do her. Anyways, I was kind of eying this boy all night sitting at the table across from us. A red shirt, blond, tall, plastic framed glasses. So late in the night where things have started to emplty a bit there's a bunch of guys sitting at their table and we're at ours. Dakota and Wavy have run out of smokes and want to ask the guys, but I say I want to. I don't smoke (EVER!) but I wanted to gjust go and ask and start the conversation just to see if I can do it.

I am really drunk but still very conversation-able. So I ask a guy at the table (not redshirt - I was not that daring and he was sitting on a side of the table I wouldn't have been able to get to easily) and he gives us one and we talk a bit and then I lean behind him to pass the smoke back to my friends, while we're still talking. But he notices Wavy and totally stops talking to me and starts talking to her. Pretty much mid-sentence. I didn't care too much because I had zero interest in him. While I was happy I started the conversation and was flirty and such with a stranger who was pretty much out of my league, as soon as he saw someone prettier I was ignored. If I had approached the guy I did like and he did that same thing it would have probably bothered me more.

Well I'm surprisingly feeling a bit better in general after writing all that isnstead of just like I suck more. I guess I need to learn that I am sexy and just to take the compliment and keep going. I do have a significant amount of faith that eventually someone in my real life will be intereted enough in me to stick around to see all this stuff unfold.


Wavy, redshirt, and guy I asked for a smoke.