More Secrets

Go here.

I'm still kind of on and off crying just becasue I think my body needs to. I know as well as, if not better than, anyone that everything will happen in time. The thing I am constantly saying to meself is "Everything is going to be good" and I completely believe it will.

But for the rest of my life I'm going to have this part of me that unless I can grab things and say "look! Look! Everything's ok. Everything is good" is always going to be thinking otherwise. And I can't expect anyone to know that feeling. It's not becasue of a situation, or anything you can pinpoint, it's just something that's there. I feel it when I do less than great in school too, which is possibly one of the best parts of my life right now.

There's something intensely painful in the fact that even though all logic says your life is great, you don't get it. I've been doing this for years. There's nothing anyone can say that I haven't heard to make me feel like it's easier. I know I'll feel better in a few days, or even a few hours. I know it's irrational. But even so I'm always kind of on the defensive but towards myself.

When I get like this and I can't actually see anything wrong it sucks. It sucks that even when my life is great I feel like this. So I guess it's part of coping to pick one the one part of my life that's not great, and that happens to be love. It's easier to be upset over something than nothing and I can't get upset over other things because they're fine.

I don't know how to explain more, or if I can, or if it matters. I have to stop crying because there is no way I can sit looking at my unmake-uped self while my hair is being cut and make-up on puffy and red eyes looks retarded.