Reading Lists

I've cried today. That's two days in a row. Yesterday was sobbing and painful crying. Today was slow, gentle and sad. I was making lunch and thought about forgetting about the prospect of ever meeting anyone. I've done it before when I needed to concentrate on other things more. No crushes, very little wanking. Just me, my friends, and moving forward. But you know it's not like I'm really looking for someone, I mean I go about my life and if someone comes into it I find interesting...well I'd like to say I get to know them and see what happens, but obviously I don't, I get neurotic and nothing happens.

I don't know what's going on with me. It's may just be hormone included emotions, but it's making me feel like I'm lacking. Like I only fool myslef into believing this life I have is a fabulous one. That maybe all those moments where I'm delightfully happy are completely manufactured. rose coloured glasses? wool over my eyes? It's all very dreary. When I look seriously, like an outsider at my life, it's good. I have some of the most amazing family and friends one could have, I know the general direction I want my career to take and it's actually going that way, I have a cat, an apartment, an amazingly flexible paying job, but I feel lacking.

And these are depression tears now. They're the scary ones I hate to have. They're so natural and smooth. They aren't out of panic or fear, or pain or anything like that. They come with deep relaxed breathing. I can smile through them becasue I know somehow I'll be fine but they continue because they are so innate to my very being it doesn't matter how much I smile or how ok I am, they're here.

I didn't even come here to write all this. But the Artist is dating, cheapdrunk is dating, my most judgemental and picky friends from home is dating (living with the boy even), a darling friends loser boyfriend is dating (yes, he's dating her but I don't understand it) and someone not even in Britain might get to hook-up with a brit (don't take offense to this love, we'll talk). And I'm here. With friends that are no where near me and a dream carer in front of me if I can get my shit together to do research.

What I wanted to write is about two books. When I was 15 or 16 I read two reviews in my local city entertainment weekly. I bought both books. I read them. I still own them both. I don't remember what I had to say about them. One of the books was short stories, rather than a novel and I only remember two of them but both really vaguely. One was about a demon of sorts and the other was about menstrual blood. I also used to read a lot of SHirley Jackson who is an amazing short story writer. I had an anthology of hers and lent it to someone and I'm not sure who. One of three people really.

I have two hours before I have to go and mail a parcel and get my hair cut. I'd like to say I'm going to do my school reading but I don't know if I will. It's my inspiring lecture but I'm not feeling to insipirable today. yes, I know that;s not a word and I'm fine with it. Sorry for being so crap today. I will get better at some point. I need to be aorund people and there's no one here. I have over two more weeks of this to go to. I;d be fine if I could shop but I'm lonely and broke. No wonder I'm sad.